Short Fiction by P. G. Wodehouse (me reader .txt) 📕

You shan’t ever have any more worries, poor old thing.” He looked at her affectionately. “I wonder why it is that large men always fall in love with little women. There are you, a fragile, fairy-like, ethereal wisp of a little creature; and here am I⁠—”

“A great, big, greedy pig!” burst out Eve, “who thinks about nothing but eating and drinking.”

“I wasn’t going to have put it quite like that,” said Peter, thoughtfully.

“I hate a greedy man,” said Eve, between her teeth.

“I have a healthy appetite,” protested Peter. “Nothing more. It runs in the family. At the time of the Civil War the Rayner of the period, who was King Charles’s right-hand man, would frequently eat despatches to prevent them falling into the hands of the enemy. He was noted for it.”

Eve reached the door and turned.

“I despise you,” she said.

“Good night,” said Peter, tenderly. “Tomorrow morning we’ll go for a walk.”

His prediction proved absolutely correct. He was smoking a cigarette after breakfast when Eve came to him. Her face was pink and mutinous, but there was a gleam in her eye.

“Are you ready to come out, Mr. Rayner?” she said. “Mrs. Rastall-Retford says I’m to take you to see the view from the golf links.”

“You’ll like that,” said Peter.

“I shall not like it,” snapped Eve. “But Mrs. Rastall-Retford is paying me a salary to do what she tells me, and I have to earn it.”

Conversation during the walk consisted mainly of a monologue on the part of Peter. It was a crisp and exhilarating morning, and he appeared to be feeling a universal benevolence towards all created things. He even softened slightly on the subject of Mrs. Rastall-Retford, and advanced the theory that her peculiar manner might be due to her having been ill-treated as a child.

Eve listened in silence. It was not till they were nearing home on their return journey that she spoke.

“Mr. Rayner,” she said.

“Yes?” said Peter.

“I was talking to Mrs. Rastall-Retford after breakfast,” said Eve, “and I told her something about you.”

“My conscience is clear.”

“Oh, nothing bad. Some people would say it was very much to your credit.” She looked away across the fields. “I told her you were a vegetarian,” she added, carelessly.

There was a long silence. Then Peter spoke three words, straight from the heart.

“You little devil!”

Eve turned and looked at him, her eyes sparkling wickedly.

“You see!” she said. “Now perhaps you will go.”

“Without you?” said Peter, stoutly. “Never!”

“In London you will be able to eat all day⁠—anything you like. You will be able to creep about your club gnawing cold chicken all night. But if you stay here⁠—”

“You have got a wrong idea of the London clubman’s life,” said Peter. “If I crept about my club gnawing cold chicken I should have the committee after me. No, I shall stay here and look after you. After all, what is food?”

“I’ll tell you what yours will be, if you like. Or would you rather wait and let it be a surprise? Well, for lunch you will have some boiled potatoes and cabbage and a sweet⁠—a sort of light soufflé thing. And for dinner⁠—”

“Yes, but one moment,” said Peter. “If I’m a vegetarian, how did you account for my taking all the chicken I could get at dinner last night, and looking as if I wanted more?”

“Oh, that was your considerateness. You didn’t want to give trouble, even if you had to sacrifice your principles. But it’s all right now. You are going to have your vegetables.”

Peter drew a deep breath⁠—the breath of the man who braces himself up and thanks whatever gods there be for his unconquerable soul.

“I don’t care,” he said. “ ‘A book of verses underneath the bough, a jug of wine, and thou⁠—’ ”

“Oh, and I forgot,” interrupted Eve. “I told her you were a teetotaller as well.”

There was another silence, longer than the first.

“The best train,” said Eve, at last, “is the ten-fifty.”

He looked at her inquiringly.

“The best train?”

“For London.”

“What makes you think that I am interested in trains to London?”

Eve bit her lip.

“Mr. Rayner,” she said, after a pause, “do you remember at lunch one day at Mrs. Elphinstone’s refusing parsnips? You said that, so far as you were concerned, parsnips were first by a mile, and that prussic acid and strychnine also ran.”

“Well?” said Peter.

“Oh, nothing,” said Eve. “Only I made a stupid mistake. I told the cook you were devoted to parsnips. I’m sorry.”

Peter looked at her gravely. “I’m putting up with a lot for your sake,” he said.

“You needn’t. Why don’t you go away?”

“And leave you chained to the rock, Andromeda? Not for Perseus! I’ve only been here one night, but I’ve seen enough to know that I’ve got to take you away from this place. Honestly, it’s killing you. I was watching you last night. You’re scared if that infernal old woman starts to open her mouth. She’s crushing the life out of you. I’m going to stay on here till you say you’ll marry me, or till they throw me out.”

“There are parsnips for dinner tonight,” said Eve, softly.

“I shall get to like them. They are an acquired taste, I expect. Perhaps I am, too. Perhaps I am the human parsnip, and you will have to learn to love me.”

“You are the human burr,” said Eve, shortly. “I shouldn’t have thought it possible for a man to behave as you are doing.”

In spite of herself, there were moments during the next few days when Eve felt twinges of remorse. It was only by telling herself that he had no right to have followed her to this house, and that he was at perfect liberty to leave whenever he wished, that she could harden her heart again. And even this reflection was not entirely satisfactory, for it made her feel how fond he must be of her to endure these evils for her sake.

And there was no doubt about there being evils. It was a dreary house in which to spend winter days. There were no books that one could possibly read. The nearest