Missing the Big Picture by Donovan, Luke (great book club books txt) 📕

part of my life now is that, for the first time at almost thirty years old, I don’t have any secrets I have to keep from anybody. When I was younger, I couldn’t tell my friends about my grandmother’s mental illness. Then I began to hear my own voices, as well as feel my same-sex attraction, all of which I kept bottled up for years.

In the beginning of my story, I said that I lived most of my life with no self-respect, little compassion for others, and an extremely negative and judgmental attitude. So what causes all of the things I just mentioned? I blame the letter I, or what I call the “I Factors.” I don’t think just one isolated thing could cause this; I think it’s a combination of many factors, which I’ve listed here.

The first I is Ideology. To me, ideology is a collection of beliefs. Nowhere does it say that you have to go to your prom, get married, have children, go to college, and get a good job. Many people have religious and political ideologies, but the more that people stick to their beliefs and refuse to branch out, the more prejudices and stereotypes will occur.

My second I is Idolization. In high school, I had so many issues with my classmates because Eric had a huge following. Most of the students thought that he walked on water and would believe everything he said. I believe that nurturing people is similar to taking care of a plant. For all the gardeners out there, you know it’s important to water plants and give them attention; well, it’s the same with people. Most gardeners also realize that giving a plant too much water and exposure to the sun can be just as hazardous as giving a plant no water at all and keeping it in the dark. I think people are similar. Everybody needs love and attention, but I also believe that spoiling people too much, allowing them to believe that the sun revolves around them, and letting poor behaviors slide are just as detrimental to people’s growth as abusing or neglecting them. There are countless stories and Lifetime movies out there about people brainwashed by another person to do something horrible because they simply idolized the person too much and just couldn’t say no—especially men. Remember David Graham, who in 1995 killed another girl because his girlfriend, Diane Zamora, was jealous of her? Eric Menendez went along with his brother and killed his parents in 1989. Also in 1989, a group of New Jersey football players were accused of shoving foreign objects into a mentally disabled woman’s vagina. According to Bernard Lefkowitz’s Our Guys, it was years before the boys faced any criminal charges since their status as football players protected them from being arrested.5

In my own life, I have seen time and time again people who put their friends, boyfriends, or girlfriends on pedestals and believed that those people were perfect. Life is nothing without love, but you don’t have to like and agree with every single thing that your parents/friends/boyfriend/girlfriend wants you to. If he or she really loves you, the person won’t put you in situations you don’t need to be in.

The next I is Inappreciative. Before working in healthcare and the human services field, I pitied myself. Nobody is guaranteed anything, and most people can’t make exorbitant amounts of money. It’s sad when people don’t realize what good things they have in their lives. Life is work, and a relationship is work. Everybody needs to put equal amounts of time in and be thankful when there’s a positive outcome.

Another I that kept me from fully enjoying my life was that I was easily Intimidated by everybody I knew. When I was in school, I was intimidated by anybody who had better grades than me, more friends than me, or more self-confidence than me. I definitely was intimidated by the Saint John’s community. The more intimidated that I was, the less I acted like myself and the more I tried to be like them.

Being intimidated led me to think that I was Inferior to everybody else—the next I. The reason why my high school years were miserable was because I thought I was worthless. I was single and a virgin. I wasn’t an athlete. In my mind, nothing else could make up for those flaws. When I worked with the developmentally disabled, I had a resident who actually wrote a note to the members of her congregation, saying, “Why does everyone in this church ignore me? I am just as good as everyone else.” It was sad that even though I was her caretaker, she fully understood this concept and I still had difficulty learning it.

Another huge element that prevented me from obtaining happiness was that I always cared what people thought, very similar to David Elkind’s notion of the Imaginary Audience, in which teenagers have this false notion that others are looking at them and judging their behavior.6 I wish I could say that I just thought about this in high school, but from co-workers to my parents, I always thought everybody was going to notice what I was going to do and judge me based on it. When she was trying to figure out what to wear to a wedding, my mother once said, “Well, the people who are going to judge you by your dress are the people you don’t want to be your friends anyway.”

As I grew older, I began to realize that just comparing myself to other people wouldn’t work. What impact was I supposed to have on people? Why do all these horrible things happen to me and my family? I had an absentee father, a mentally ill grandmother, and mean friends growing up. I also suffered from mental illness, and I’m gay. There has to be a silver lining. Why did all of this have to happen to me? Then I began to think that life isn’t