The Small House at Allington by Anthony Trollope (the kiss of deception read online txt) 📕

She had no doubt as to Crosbie’s engagement with Lilian Dale, but she had as little as to his being ashamed of that engagement. Had he really cared for Miss Dale he would not have left her to come to Courcy Castle. Had he been really resolved to marry her, he would not have warded all questions respecting his engagement with fictitious answers. He had amused himself with Lily Dale, and it was to be hoped that the young lady had not thought very seriously about it. That was the most charitable light in which Lady De Courcy was disposed to regard the question.

It behoved Crosbie to write to Lily Dale before dinner. He had promised to do so immediately on his arrival, and he was aware that he would be regarded as being already one day beyond his promise. Lily had told him that she would live upon his letters, and it was absolutely necessary that he should furnish her with her first meal. So he betook himself to his room in sufficient time before dinner, and got out his pen, ink, and paper.

He got out his pen, ink, and paper, and then he found that his difficulties were beginning. I beg that it may be understood that Crosbie was not altogether a villain. He could not sit down and write a letter as coming from his heart, of which as he wrote it he knew the words to be false. He was an ungenerous, worldly, inconstant man, very prone to think well of himself, and to give himself credit for virtues which he did not possess; but he could not be false with premeditated cruelty to a woman he had sworn to love. He could not write an affectionate, warmhearted letter to Lily, without bringing himself, at any rate for the time, to feel towards her in an affectionate, warmhearted way. Therefore he now sat himself to work, while his pen yet remained dry in his hand, to remodel his thoughts, which had been turned against Lily and Allington by the craft of Lady De Courcy. It takes some time before a man can do this. He has to struggle with himself in a very uncomfortable way, making efforts which are often unsuccessful. It is sometimes easier to lift a couple of hundredweights than to raise a few thoughts in one’s mind which at other moments will come galloping in without a whistle.

He had just written the date of his letter when a little tap came at his door, and it was opened.

“I say, Crosbie,” said the Honourable John, “didn’t you say something yesterday about a cigar before dinner?”

“Not a word,” said Crosbie, in rather an angry tone.

“Then it must have been me,” said John. “But bring your case with you, and come down to the harness-room, if you won’t smoke here. I’ve had a regular little snuggery fitted up there; and we can go in and see the fellows making up the horses.”

Crosbie wished the Honourable John at the mischief.

“I have letters to write,” said he. “Besides, I never smoke before dinner.”

“That’s nonsense. I’ve smoked hundreds of cigars with you before dinner. Are you going to turn curmudgeon, too, like George and the rest of them? I don’t know what’s coming to the world! I suppose the fact is, that little girl at Allington won’t let you smoke.”

“The little girl at Allington⁠—” began Crosbie; and then he reflected that it would not be well for him to say anything to his present companion about that little girl. “I’ll tell you what it is,” said he. “I really have got letters to write which must go by this post. There’s my cigar-case on the dressing-table.”

“I hope it will be long before I’m brought to such a state,” said John, taking up the cigars in his hand.

“Let me have the case back,” said Crosbie.

“A present from the little girl, I suppose?” said John. “All right, old fellow! you shall have it.”

“There would be a nice brother-in-law for a man,” said Crosbie to himself, as the door closed behind the retreating scion of the De Courcy family. And then, again, he took up his pen. The letter must be written, and therefore he threw himself upon the table, resolved that the words should come and the paper be filled.

Courcy Castle, October, 186⁠—.

Dearest Lily⁠—This is the first letter I ever wrote to you, except those little notes when I sent you my compliments discreetly⁠—and it sounds so odd. You will think that this does not come as soon as it should; but the truth is that after all I only got in here just before dinner yesterday. I stayed ever so long in Barchester, and came across such a queer character. For you must know I went to church, and afterwards fraternized with the clergyman who did the service; such a gentle old soul⁠—and, singularly enough, he is the grandfather of Lady Dumbello, who is staying here. I wonder what you’d think of Lady Dumbello, or how you’d like to be shut up in the same house with her for a week?

But with reference to my staying at Barchester, I must tell you the truth now, though I was a gross impostor the day that I went away. I wanted to avoid a parting on that last morning, and therefore I started much sooner than I need have done. I know you will be very angry with me; but open confession is good for the soul. You frustrated all my little plan by your early rising; and as I saw you standing on the terrace, looking after us as we went, I acknowledged that you had been right, and that I was wrong. When the time came, I was very glad to have you with me at the last moment.

My own dearest Lily, you cannot think how different this place is from the two houses at Allington, or how much I