The End is Where We Begin by Maria Goodin (open ebook .txt) 📕

autopilot, going through the motions of the day without anything registering. I just feel hollow.

But I have to tell Josh. Better to get it over and done with.

I get up from the sofa and head towards his bedroom, when suddenly he comes crashing out into the hallway.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” he snaps.

For a moment I wonder how on earth he knows. Who would have told him? Laura? Michael? But why would they?

“Why would you not tell me that my mum wants to see me?!”

Ah. That’s the other thing I haven’t told him.

“I saw the emails!”

My brain scrambles to catch up, but then I realise with horror that I said he could use my laptop after he somehow managed to drop a can of baked beans on his brand new one and killed it. I was so busy ranting about his carelessness and how much the damn thing had cost me (and so startled that he was actually going to do some work on his music project) that it didn’t even occur to me that the increasing number of emails I’ve been exchanging with Hellie via my phone would be accessible on my laptop.

“Why were you looking at my email account?” I demand, knowing full well this really isn’t the point.

“I wasn’t! I was just trying to log you out so that I could log into my email account!”

I run my hand over my head.

“Look, I was going to talk to you about this—”

“When?”

What am I meant to say to that? When I felt sure that she wasn’t going to lose interest in you again after five minutes? When I felt certain she wasn’t going to break your heart with her selfishness?

“When were you going to tell me she wanted to see me, Dad? When you’d persuaded her not to bother? When you’d put her off the idea completely by telling her how damaging it would be for me?!”

“Hang on, that’s not what I was trying to do—”

“Really? Because from what I read, she wants to build a relationship with me, and you have been trying to convince her not to!”

“You can’t be serious! If that’s how you’ve read it, then you need to read it again because—”

“I have read it!”

“Then you’ll know I was not trying to put her off! I would never do that! I was trying to look after your best interests—”

“How the hell do you know what my best interests are?!”

“Because I’m your father!”

“And she’s my mother!”

I clench my jaw. I want to snap back, No! No, she’s not! She gave you up! She gave up her right to be your mother!

“She got in contact over two weeks ago and you said nothing! Nothing! You should have told me! It should have been my decision what to do next! Instead, you decided it might be best if she gets back in contact after I’ve finished school?!”

I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh.

“Josh, that’s not what I said. I just wanted a bit of time to sort things out with her—”

“Why did you tell her that seeing me would screw up my GCSEs?”

“That’s not what I was saying! I was trying to make her see that now might not be the best time. You’ve got so much going on—”

“That’s literally all you care about, isn’t it? How I do in my precious GCSEs! You are always on my back…”

“Because I want you to fulfil your potential!”

“…pushing and pushing…”

“Because I don’t want you to waste your life!”

“Like you did? Because you had me?”

“What?”

“Oh, come on, Dad! We all know that what you really wanted was to go to university. And then I came along and screwed up your plans. So now you’re pushing all your hopes onto me—”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes, it is! You’re not scared that I’m going to waste my life, you’re just pissed that you wasted yours!”

I stare at him, dumbfounded.

“Josh, I don’t give a crap that I didn’t go to university, and whether you believe it or not, I have only ever wanted what’s best for you, and I have been trying to protect you—”

“I am sick and tired of you trying to protect me, Dad! I don’t need protecting!”

“Of course you do!”

“From what?!”

“From everything!”

“From my own mother?!”

“Yes, from your own mother!”

He stares at me, waiting for an explanation, but what am I meant to tell him? That she only ever used him as a plaything or to get attention, that she dropped him for the first offer that was slightly more interesting, that I suspected she only ever had him to piss her parents off? I have never, and will never, tell him the whole truth.

When he was little, I used to say that Hellie loved him but that she didn’t have the right skills to be a mummy, in the same way that I didn’t have the right skills to be a chef or a teacher. Later, I told him that she simply couldn’t cope with motherhood, but that certainly wasn’t his fault and wasn’t really even hers. It seemed to soften his sense of rejection, but it was only one side of the story. I feared that the other side – his mother’s utter selfishness and her blatant disregard for him – would have hurt him too much.

It’s been years since Josh asked about Hellie and yet here he is, apparently desperate for a reunion with her. Did I really believe he wasn’t bothered about not having a relationship with his own mother? Did I really believe he’d made his peace with the situation and moved on? How stupid have I been?

“Why did she say you gave her an ultimatum?” asks Josh, his cheeks flushed.

I wrack my brain trying to remember the content of our email exchange.

You chose to walk away, Hellie, so I’m sure you will understand that I am cautious to ensure any future contact is made with a sense of commitment…

It’s difficult to think of it as a choice Jay when I was given an ultimatum…

“I didn’t