Songs For Your Mother by Gordon MacMillan (first color ebook reader .TXT) 📕

realised what I felt for Luke was the four-letter word. The one I have always found hard to say. I feel it. Only I have never said it to Luke or anyone else.

‘I love you,’ I said.

At that moment, I held him a little tighter and only let him go when he started to wriggle because he’s five – although soon he will be six.

I had no idea what flying with a five-year-old in tow would be like. I needn’t have worried. The secret appears to be to have a second five-year-old with you. This must be part of the joy of having twins. The airport proved a breeze, and I managed not to lose sight of Luke at any stage. He was perfectly behaved as we made our way through customs and waited in a busy departure lounge to catch our flight to San Francisco.

On the plane, he and Georgia watch movies and sleep. Luke sharply twisting and turning in his seat and kicking his legs out as we make our way over the Atlantic.

I think back to the trip Will and I took and remember the two of us buzzing and drinking beer at the back of the plane on what should have been our road trip of a lifetime. And it was the trip of a lifetime, only not the one either of us could ever have imagined. The ripples of that trip, and the loss of Will, are still powerfully shaping my life, and those of my friends, as we sit here now. And it’s not over yet.

Chapter 22

The five of us take a taxi from the airport and drive into San Francisco, and from the moment we land, I’m anxious. Luke, on the other hand, has been the opposite. He has been happy and excited in the way people are when they have been away for a long time, and they finally return.

I think it’s that I feel threatened by being in America with Luke. It hit me as we walked through the airport, collected our bags, and heard American voices everywhere. They sounded like Luke, and it struck me that he was home, and I wondered how that made him feel? I’m worried I suppose that once he’s here, he might not want to leave again. I don’t know how that might come to pass. All I know is that I don’t want to lose him, not now.

We see a big Hershey chocolate display, and Luke calls out that’s his favourite. I realise this is something that I didn’t know, and I should have known.

Outside in the cool air of a San Francisco afternoon, Luke points excitedly at the long line of taxi cabs. He looks up at me with a smile. He tells me that in America, taxis are yellow.

On the way into the city along Highway 101, we drive along San Francisco Bay and see the sea for the first time together. Luke says he loves the sea.

‘We’ll go to the beach when we get home,’ I tell Luke.

‘But we are home,’ Luke says with a shrug.

I’m not sure what to say to that. I start to formulate something about how Luke has two homes, one here in America and the other in England, but I don’t say this, as I’m not sure it will help.

We arrive at the hotel, the W in downtown San Francisco, that Susan has booked us into. We take the elevator up to the fifth floor and walk down the corridor to our rooms. We have three next to each other, and we all head to the one that Luke and I will be staying in. As soon as the door is open, Luke and Georgia weave past us and run in. When they see the huge bed, they scramble up and stand up in the centre of it. The pair of them shriek and begin to bounce as if it were a trampoline.

‘It’s the biggest bed, I want a bigger bed,’ Luke says as he jumps up and down.

‘You don’t need a big bed, silly,’ says Georgia. She pushes Luke over, causing him to bounce on his bum. He loves this and is straight-up again like a jack-in-the-box.

‘Will you two be okay in here? I thought you might get two single beds, but looks like we all have doubles,’ Susan says.

‘He sneaks out of bed every now and again and I find him next to me fast asleep,’ I say.

‘Oh, that’s so sweet,’ Susan says. ‘Luke, your dad says you have got great sneaking skills. Are you good at sneaking around?’ Susan asks.

Luke crouches down so that he is small on the bed and starts to move around furtively as he gives us surreptitious looks.

‘I’m very quiet,’ he says.

‘I don’t need to sneak, do I Mummy?’ Georgia says.

‘No, you don’t, darling. You march in and tell me you’re awake and that you’re getting in,’ TSP says.

Susan, TSP and Georgia depart after we confirm plans to meet in the lobby to eat later. From there I’m going to the club where Josie is playing, to catch her before she goes on. My hope is that she won’t tell me to get lost as soon as she sees me. I am dreading it because if it doesn’t work out, we are scuppered. Josie has to help us. We have no plan B.

I do a quick bit of unpacking as Luke returns to bouncing on the bed. He does this as he watches Nicktoons until he flops down on his back, stretching himself out and laughing like a monkey. He is smiling and looks so happy to be here. That makes me happy, too, even if it remains a nervous kind of happy.

I only hope that I’ve done the right thing in bringing him to San Francisco. It is all such a gamble. My doubt and stress levels are hammering my heart, which is fluttering wildly like some tattered flag in the breeze.

We leave the hotel and