Short Fiction by Aleksandr Kuprin (nonfiction book recommendations .txt) 📕

call up the man who is to be punished, explain to him the extent of his guilt and the degree of his punishment, and he himself⁠—remark, ladies and gentlemen, himself!⁠—takes from the box the corresponding coupon. Of course, it might be arranged that he, there and then, drops the coupon through a slot in the table and lets it fall into the urn; that is a mere detail.

“From that moment the offender is entirely in the hands of the machine. He goes to the dressing-room, he opens the door, stands on the platform, throws the coupon or coupons into the urn, and⁠ ⁠… done! The door shuts mechanically after him, and cannot be reopened. He may stand a moment, hesitating, on the brink, but in the end he simply must throw the coupons in. For, ladies and gentlemen”⁠—exclaimed the pedagogue with a triumphant laugh⁠—“for the machine is so constructed that the longer he hesitates the greater becomes the punishment, the number of strokes increasing in a ratio of from five to thirty per minute according to the weight of the person hesitating.⁠ ⁠… However, once the offender is off, he is caught by the machine at three points, neck, waist and feet, and the chair holds him. All this is accomplished literally in one moment. The next moment sounds the first stroke, and nothing can stop the action of the machine, nor weaken the blows, nor increase or diminish the celerity, until that moment when justice has been accomplished. It would be physically impossible, not having the key.

“Officer! Bring in the mannequin!

“Will the esteemed audience kindly indicate the number of the strokes.⁠ ⁠… Just a number, please⁠ ⁠… three figures if you wish, but not more than 350. Please.⁠ ⁠…”

“Five hundred,” shouted the governor of the fortress.

“Reff,” barked the dog under his chair.

“Five hundred is too many,” gently objected the lecturer, “but to go as far as we can towards meeting his Excellency’s wish let us say 350. We throw into the urn all the coupons.”

Whilst he was speaking, the attendant brought in under his arm a monstrous-looking leathern mannequin, and stood it on the floor, holding it up from behind. There was something suggestive and ridiculous in the crooked legs, outstretched arms, and forward-hanging head of this leathern dummy.

Standing on the platform of the machine, the lecturer continued:

“Ladies and gentlemen, one last word. I do not doubt that my mechanical self-flogger will be most widely used. Slowly but surely it will find its way into all schools, colleges and seminaries. It will be introduced in the army and navy, in the village, in military and civil prisons, in police stations and for fire-brigades, and in all truly Russian families.

“The coupons are inevitably replaced by coins, and in that way not only is the cost of the machine redeemed, but a fund is commenced which can be used for charitable and educative ends. Our eternal financial troubles will pass, for, by the aid of this machine, the peasant will be forced to pay his taxes. Sin will disappear, crime, laziness, slovenliness, and in their stead will flourish industry, temperance, sobriety and thrift.

“It is difficult to probe further the possible future of this machine. Did Gutenberg foresee the contribution which book-printing was going to make to the history of human progress when he made his first naive wooden printing-press? But I am, however, far from airing a foolish self-conceit in your eyes, ladies and gentlemen. The bare idea belongs to me. In the practical details of the invention I have received most material help from Mr. N⁠⸺, the teacher of physics in the Fourth Secondary School of this town, and from Mr. X⁠⸺, the well-known engineer. I take the opportunity of acknowledging my indebtedness.”

The hall thundered with applause. Two men in the front of the stalls stood up timidly and awkwardly, and bowed to the public.

“For me personally,” continued the lecturer, “there has been the greatest satisfaction to consider the good I was doing my beloved fatherland. Here, ladies and gentlemen, is a token which I have lately received from the governor and nobility of Kursk⁠—with the motto: Similia similibus.”

He detached from its chain and held aloft an immense antique chronometer, about half a pound in weight. From the watch dangled also a massive gold medal.

“I have finished, ladies and gentlemen,” added the lecturer in a low and solemn voice, bowing as he spoke.

But the applause had not died down before there happened something incredible, appalling. The chronometer suddenly slipped from the raised hand of the pedagogue, and fell with a metallic clash right into the urn.

At once the machine began to hum and click. The platform inverted, and the lecturer was suddenly hoist with his own petard. His coattails waved in the air; there was a sudden thwack and a wild cry.

2,901, indicated the mechanical reckoner.

It is difficult to describe rapidly and definitely what happened in the meeting. For a few seconds everyone was turned to stone. In the general silence sounded only the cries of the victim, the whistling of the rods, and the clicking of the counting machine. Then suddenly everyone rushed up on to the stage.

“For the love of the Lord!” cried the unfortunate man, “for the love of the Lord!”

But it was impossible to help him. The valorous physics teacher put out a hand to catch one of the rods as they came, but drew it back at once, and the blood on his fingers was visible to all. No efforts could raise the crossbeam.

“The key! Quick, the key!” cried the pedagogue. “In my trouser pocket.”

The devoted attendant dashed in to search his pockets, with difficulty avoiding blows from the machine. But the key was not to be found.

2,950, 2,951, 2,952, 2,953, clicked the counting machine.

“Oh, your honour!” cried the attendant through his tears. “Let me take your trousers off. They are quite new, and they will be ruined.⁠ ⁠… Ladies can turn the other way.”

“Go to blazes, idiot! Oey, o, o!⁠ ⁠… Gentlemen, for God’s sake!⁠ ⁠… Oey, oey!⁠ ⁠… I forgot.⁠ ⁠… The keys