SICK HEART by Huss, JA (non fiction books to read .TXT) 📕

Who knows how many of these kids in camp are mine? Just because they don’t have the gray eyes doesn’t mean they didn’t come from the girls I won in the fights. I would never know. Because I don’t know what happened to those girls after they were taken away.

So it feels like a copout to suddenly care about Ainsey because she has my eyes. It feels very fucking dirty.

And I’m starting to understand that the reason I didn’t want to fight for Ainsey wasn’t because I thought I’d lose, and then we would all lose everything. It’s because then I’d have to face reality and admit that I left the others behind by choice. That I picked and chose who would live and who would die. And that all of this was my decision, not Udulf’s or the people who run this sick world I’m a part of.

It was all just me.

I’m not gonna lie, not even to myself. Rainer’s decision to stay and train them was a blow. It was a slap in the face. One of those genuine wake-up calls that ends up being a punch in the gut. Because how do I leave Rainer behind?

Two knocks on the doorjamb make me look over and find Maart standing there. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

His eyebrows go up. “So you’re talking now?”

I sigh and shrug. “Seems like a more efficient way to communicate now that everything is falling to shit.”

Maart’s eyes migrate over to Anya. He squints at her. “Is she awake or not? I can’t tell.”

He can’t tell because her eyes are practically swollen shut. “She’s awake. I’m just about to help her to the bathroom.”

I almost ask him to hold Ainsey while I do that, but before I can he says, “Good. I’ve got Irina making dinner.” He nods to Ainsey. “Should we make her something? Or is she gonna sleep?”

I hate the coldness in his voice. I don’t want to admit it’s there. But it is. He resents Anya and he resents Ainsey because these two girls are fucking everything up.

He thinks Rainer is staying behind because of Ainsey. And he thinks Anya is making me question things.

He’s not wrong, so I get it. I understand his judgment. But I don’t like how it’s changing my opinion of him.

Before Anya came, it was me and Maart. For so long, it’s been just me and him. And yeah, Rainer has been here the whole time. And the girls back at camp. But Maart and I were a team. He’s always had my back. And everyone knows you do not get this far into the game the way I have without a Maart at your back.

My success is his.

“I’ll make sure she wakes up to eat,” I say, finally answering his question.

He nods, then disappears down the hallway.

I push everything that just happened during our silent moments away and get to my feet, still clutching Ainsey to my chest.

Anya is looking up at me. “Come on.” I offer her my hand. “I’ll help you to the bathroom.”

It takes several minutes just to get Anya standing. But I’ve been there. That first time you get up after getting the shit beat out of you is the hardest. But once you start moving it gets better. So I don’t let her dwell on her slow pace. Just keep her moving out of the game room and down the hall.

When we get to the bathrooms, I help her sit on the toilet then linger for a moment. I put her in one of my shirts and no shorts just so when she got to this point, it would be easier to pee.

I sigh. The things I know and plan for. Makes me sick.

“I’ll be down the hall, Anya. You get a bath today.” I waggle my eyebrows at her, hoping for a smile. But she just nods and braces herself with one hand on the wall. “Right,” I mutter, then leave to start the tub.

Ainsey is stirring in my arms and she starts signing to me. Begging for a bath too.

“You can talk, Ains. Fuck the rules, right?”

But she doesn’t. Figures.

Everyone’s strong after the weakest link breaks.

And today, I am the weakest link.

Once the water is running, I go back down the hallway and wait for Anya. Irina is busy in the kitchen. She looks over her shoulder at me a few times, wondering if I’m gonna bitch her out.

But I’m not. That’s the first rule of camp. Both here on the Rock and back in our little training village. You do not ever apologize for winning.

Irina knows what she did was wrong, but it’s not her fault. It’s Maart’s.

He’s the one who told her to fight Anya. He’s the one I hold responsible.

Anya appears, struggling to hold the door open. I help her into the hallway and then suddenly Irina is there. Signing to me.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I hold up a hand. “Stop it. We’ve all been Anya, right?”

She is surprised at my voice, but she just nods, nervously looking at Anya, who is not looking back at her. She signs to me, I will bring you guys dinner in the game room.

Maart hasn’t cleared Ainsey for a bath, so after I help Anya in, I take Ainsey back to the game room. She’s crying and this makes her nose run, and that makes her cough, which makes her cry harder. So I settle down on the couch and pick up a book from the pile I’ve been reading to her over the past two days and eventually she settles and falls asleep.

And so do I. Because the next thing I know, Irina is helping Anya sit at one of the tables. Our games from last month are still open and Anya is sitting at the Connect Four table.

Irina moves it to the next table over, then hurries from the room as Ainsey and I take the seat across from Anya.

“Sorry. I fell asleep. Irina should’ve come and gotten me.”

No big, Anya