SICK HEART by Huss, JA (non fiction books to read .TXT) 📕

another tactic, that’s all. These provisions. It’s a way to keep me in line. Keep me satisfied. Keep me docile.

And it has worked. It has one hundred percent worked. Because I just made the final payment on our freedom, giving credence to the idea that freedom is something you can pay for.

And it’s not supposed to be that way. It’s just not.

I sigh.

“I’ve been thinking,” Rainer says, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I turn to him, suddenly aware that we’ve been sitting here in silence for a pretty long time.

“I’ve been thinkin’ about…” He looks at me, blows out a breath. “Ya know what? Never mind.”

Say it, I sign.

He doesn’t look at me. But he does spit it out. “I’ve been thinkin’… I might stay behind.”

What?

“Yeah. With the kids. We won’t take on any more, but maybe Udulf will let me train the ones we have and—”

No. I make this sign so clear. No.

Rainer winces, then whispers, “I don’t think I can walk away from them, Cort. I really don’t think I can do it.” He lets out a long, tired breath. “I don’t think I can live with myself.”

We saved the ones we could.

But he’s shaking his head no. “We can—” He pauses. “I think I can do better than that.”

And what will you do? I throw my hands up. You can’t take them all the way, not like Maart can. They’ll all die in the end. Do you really want to hang out and watch that happen?

“Do I want to watch it happen?” He signs his words as he talks. He’s always done this for some reason. “No. I don’t want to watch it happen. But at least they will have someone they trust at the end. And I think…” He pauses and lets the seconds tick off. “How do I put this?” He studies me for a moment. “You, right? You get in that ring and you beat the shit out of people and let people beat the shit out of you, all to save us. This is the literal meaning of going down fighting. But what do I do?”

Don’t be stupid.

“No, really. What do I do, Cort? I keep them happy, mostly. And that has always felt wrong to me. Because I’m a part of their dark, evil world. And I haven’t gone down fighting since we were twelve years old. You have been fighting my battles for me ever since. I’m too big. I’m too slow. I don’t have that killer instinct the way you and Maart do. So you’re right. They are all going to die in the end. And it will probably be over in three years. But I’ll take those three years of fighting hard to the three empty ones I’ll be living on that supply ship wondering… wondering if I could’ve made a difference. And that’s not a dig on you, Cort. Or Maart. You’ve put yourself on the line for me so many times now, I lost count. And Maart too. You guys deserve this happy ending. But I haven’t earned it yet. So I’m staying behind and there’s nothing you can say to talk me out of it. I’ve already explained this to Maart. He’s worried about you, by the way. He thinks Anya was a bad idea.” Rainer sucks in a breath and holds it, then lets it out very slowly. “And Ainsey too.”

I look away at the mention of Ainsey’s name.

“I’ll take care of her. I promise. I think maybe I can even talk Udulf into leaving her alone until she’s older and out of danger.”

I feel sick.

Rainer clamps a hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “I just want you to be prepared for this. I mentioned it to Udulf after you left the fight ship. It’s been bothering me for a long time.”

What’d he say?

“He said we’d work something out when we got back from the Rock.” His green eyes stare into mine for a moment. Then he gives my shoulder another squeeze. “I’m not ungrateful. I hope you don’t think that’s what this is. I just can’t walk away from it, Cort. That world.” He looks over his shoulder, like it’s coming up behind him. “I’m never going to get over what I am. What I’ve done.”

I push him, making him look at me so I can sign, What are you talking about? Because, OK, maybe none of us are innocent, but if you’re going to rank us according to guilt, Rainer would be down there somewhere with Evard. Present, accounted for, but a side note in the grand scheme of things.

“Look, I get it. You don’t understand. You’re never going to understand. And I’m OK with that. I’m just letting you know that I’m staying behind. That’s all. And there’s nothing you can say or do to change my mind about that.” He gets up and points to the bottle of Lectra in my hand. “You can finish it. I’m done.”

Then he turns his back on me and climbs back up the stairs.

I stay down there for hours just passing his words back and forth inside my head. They feel meaningful and deep. They make me sad, and angry, and, if I’m being honest, they scare me a little. Because who am I? What kind of man am I if I walk away from these kids?

And this, I think, is the issue. I’m not angry that Rainer is staying. I’m angry that I’m not. And I feel guilty for wanting out even though I’ve earned it.

I have often wondered about destiny. Like… was I only put on this earth to do Udulf’s bidding? To rail against his world, but never be able to escape it? And let’s face it, just because I will be allowed to walk away from the fights doesn’t mean I’m actually free.

So I allow myself to picture a life of staying behind with Rainer and the camp. I allow myself to consider it. If I stop fighting,