Life Matters by E.C.Nemeth (read aloud TXT) 📕

to my trying to form words around the images, trying to put trains of thought together to explain what I was seeing. Of course, as soon as I tried to form thoughts the images faded, so I would focus back on the images being relayed to my mind, then again try to form explanations only to loose the image so I would shift back to receptiveness, in a cyclical fashion. The correction came as a reminder that this language did not rely on words or on thought but on light, or love or knowingness, and certainty.
Then I was shown how my crown chakra was where the problem existed. It is here that the conflicting thought systems clash. Rational thought seeks to contain reality in its precepts, as if it were the source of reality, or somehow beyond it. This belief in personal authority effectively severs the universal connection, and imposes limits on reality.
As I realized the truth of this illumination the revelation continued. I was suddenly transferred across the gap, the self-imposed black-out of incoming universal information. I saw it vividly as whirling energy in a spiral, extending beyond the seventh chakra up toward the heavens. Then I saw it merge with the whirling energy of the solar system. It seemed so right that tears welled in my eyes. I was told to breath. And I breathed deeply, watching the light pouring into my body like water, filling me. I was directed to turn my gaze back where I had come from. So I did.
From here the earth was but a little whirling ball of immense beauty. And as I looked back I saw that the whirling energy from this level was intimately connected to all the worlds under its domain, including earth. She was female! Earth was a beautiful, abundantly fertile expression of femininity. She possessed all the familiar traits of motherhood: fierce loyalty to her children, softly nurturing, forever patient and trusting, proud and protective, conveyer of local wisdom and intuitive knowledge, unendingly loving. Tears streamed down my face. I was told to breath again. I did.
Then I was shown how my seventh chakra connected to the earth’s energy field some distance above the surface of our planet. I was made to understand that it was this connection that was vital to restore at this time. It was the source of most of our present problems, primarily because the severed connection disallowed the solutions to enter our awareness. I recall thinking that I should remember this part for later but from my perspective at that moment, earth and its problems were far away and almost insignificant. I remember a feeling of reluctance to turn back and look at earth at all, from way up there. It was as if I didn’t want to see the problem so clearly...
I was again prompted to breath deeply of the light. I did.
I was whisked away again, extending outward, along the whirl of the solar system’s energy as it spiraled outward and connected to the galactic energy field. I was made aware of the heart of the galaxy. And I saw all the bodies of energy whirling around it. For the first time ever, I saw this magnificently massive monster as the pure expression of masculinity. He was reaching toward his lovers, the female bodies whirling around him. He thrust his essence forward, spewing his seed in violent, mindless eruptions of pure ecstasy. His destructive nature was poignant, but not impotent. His ministrations were sincere and single-mindedly focused. He was monogamous for eons. Taking another mate only when the first was spent and no longer fertile. His drive was the inspiration of the entire galaxy!
As I grasped this I was made to understand that all of this was not even part of the real world, being only a symbol of separation, even infused as it was with the truth. Then the galaxy separated from a diffuse purple cloud. Compared to the galaxy, the cloud was immense, dwarfing the matter it contained.
Then in a blink, the same vision took on a far larger context. The galaxy became the entire universe and the cloud became - GOD! I understood that I was this universe but I could not expand myself enough to take on that very personal perspective. I think it was because I feared being that close to the Creator.
I was made to understand that the light of the universe was actually the darkness and the dark purple cloud was actually the light. It was only that we dreamed a dream that we could misperceive such a stark contrast.
Then God played a song for me. It’s one of my favorites, by Nickleback, called, “Far Away”. Except now, the words were God’s - and He was singing to me. It was clear, He dreams too - of me reunited with Him once again. His greatest hope is for me to forgive him and tell Him that I love Him.
Imagine! God’s biggest dream is to hear me say I love Him. My thoughts flashed to my own father, and how he must also dream of my love, my approval, my respect. Overwhelmed I wholeheartedly declared my love for God. And as the song came to the end, about being so far away that I had better remember to breath in His blessings often, my heart filled with a longing pang that I can only say was very familiar. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sustain this level for much longer. I cried because I knew I was going to leave again.
Don’t let me forget you. I love you God.
But the connection was gone.
And I was small again and back at my computer in my little apartment.
See what I mean about synchronicity? The right experience is always there, it just requires our attention to see it.
Personal perspective
I am really resisting this work. I understand it. Without a doubt, I believe it. It has been proven to me experientially many times over. In my heart of hearts I even know that I am already on the other side of that door I wrote about last chapter. But I resist the complete overhaul of my life that genuine knowledge would inevitably bring.
I have been stuck in this place, at this fork in the road, for at least two years, probably more like four or five years now. I seem to vacillate back and forth between the old world view and my new world view. It makes me feel like I am on a never ending roller coaster ride. My intellect has been trying to reconcile these two worlds but they starkly contrast and will not merge. Yet the old world seems so real while the new world seems so illusory.
Try as I may I cannot deny the basic needs that my physical survival depend on. This seems to be what the whole problem crunches down to for me. I need to eat and I need shelter and money to buy things and pay my bills. This is the one that drags me back to this mundane reality, where I see my needs are not being sufficiently met. It is survival itself that seems to be the issue for me. Yet when all's said and done, the bottom line is that I am still here. So how valid is my fear of lack made real?
Then there are the things I feel my heart needs: love, companionship, friends, family, sense of self-worth, peace. And there are the things the soul needs that make me almost ache inside sometimes: truth, God, joy, life, eternity. How do they figure into the equation? Where do they fit? Are they valid criteria for a happy life?
The confusion is like a standing wave of probabilities. There seems to be no way to arrange the relationship of these concepts in any meaningful order. Is it my body I am more worried about protecting? Or am I concerned more about my immortal soul? Or should I listen and follow the advice, guidance and edicts of family, friends and society?
How do I decide what is important to me? What do I want to be when I grow up?
I swear I have yet to answer that question, and I am fast approaching fifty!
From the time I was about eighteen, I decided that I did not believe in death. I decided that the mind predominated over matter. When I reached the age of forty I decided life was the shits and I wanted to die. What happened to me? What changed over the course of twenty years that made me feel like life wasn’t worth living?
I have been working hard at these questions for the last decade. It has been emotional, traumatic work. It’s so hard to sort through the episodes from the past and relive the experiences, then try to shine the truth at the false beliefs formed at that time and heal the pain. But the rewards are great. It is possible to heal. It is possible to unravel the true from the false. It is possible to unmake the self, in light of the truth. The work reveals the innocent child that lies at the core of all selves. And when the freedom of innocence dawns on the mind, the outcome is inevitable.
And I seem to be resisting the inevitable with all I’ve got. Why?
I can no longer blame the ego for the resistance because I realize the ego only represents my own resistance projected outward, away from myself. So I recognize that I resist. But why? What idol do I worship so fervently?
Why can’t I be happy?
Two steps to freedom
With this introduction to my basic life situation I can now pick up the threads of our discussion so far in this chapter. The problem I am facing is due to the implications of the famous philosophical tenet, proposed long ago by the ancient Greeks and formalized a hundred years ago by the Dadaists, that “I think therefore I am”. Although the ancient Greek world, under the guidance of Plato, also relied on this tenet, there was a strong anti-deterministic following lead by the Sophists. The Sophists moderated intellectual dominance by the reminder of the ineffable. The Sophists argued that there was a quality to reality that defied deterministic understanding.
What has that all got to do with my happiness, you ask?
Simple. If I think, and therefore decide what it is that I think, who thinks the thinker? I think therefore I am does not declare my authority to ascribe meaning to what I think. It only means that I exist, and I can be certain of that because I think. That is according to the ancient Greeks. The Dadaist of over one hundred years ago went a step further. They declared that the outside world was the source of truth, simultaneously downplaying the role of internal, subjective reality. In so doing, they declared themselves the only authority for presenting reality in a purely objective and unbiased fashion.
Fashion is exactly the word to use because the reality thus presented changes with the seasons. It must. It relies on building up to a comprehensive picture, therefore it is never comprehensive, only approximate. And approximations include a range of possibilities, so reality is subject to change.
This is not reality. If anything, it is the exact opposite of reality.
What allowed the scientific process to uncover so many marvelous seeming laws of nature? If science is not a representation of truth, why does it make so much seeming sense? If science does not understand truth, what does it understand so well? Because that it understands something is without question.
I have a great deal of trouble in this area. I am becoming aware of the fact that I have avoided this difficult topic my