Loss, Limbo, Life and Love by Derek Haines (the lemonade war series .txt) 📕

LOSS, LIMBO, LIFE and LOVE.

By Derek Haines


PUBLISHED BY:
Derek Haines on Createspace

Loss, Limbo, Life and Love
Copyright © 2010 by Derek Haines


Second Edition


Table Of Poems

FORWARD
FORETHOUGHT
Day One
LOSS
Nineteen Roses
The Beautiful Bird
Glimmer of Hope
It’s Over
Heart and Mind
Blackout
Betwixt and Between
The Death of a Dreamer
LIMBO
Fear
Without You….
Wait
Two AM
To Dream
The Sun And The Moon
The Intensity of Flux
The Clown
Searching
Restless
Oh Smurtleclop
Off
Just a Happy Normal Life
Hope
LIFE
A Time To Be Me
Hello Friend
Life On A Moonbeam
Angel Of The Storm
Banks!
A Moment
Epi
Cycles
The Journey
Show Me
Flying
South
Captured
Net Knotting
LOVE
The Dreamer And The Siren
The Fading of the Siren
Forevermore
The Broken Coin
Morning
Colours of You
A Stolen Night
Seed of Love
Freedom
Nymph of the Woods
Just One Word
Jenny
Je t’aime
Brown Eyes
AFTERTHOUGHT
One Year on
About the Author

FORWARD

Life is not always fair.
Although most of us enjoy our daily lives in relative routine and harmony, there are times when we are turned upside down and are presented with unpleasant realities.
Whether it be the loss of a job, a death in the family, a financial downturn or stock market crash, a business closure or separation and divorce. There are many episodes in our lives that we cannot control but must face as a new reality.
Of course we can present the world with a brave face and stiff upper lip, and appear hardened to the reality, but within we feel weak and although not wanting to admit it, we know the process will be long and hard.
As much as we all can present an outward image of being in control, our thoughts, dreams and nightmares are not at all under control during these periods of stress. Even the strongest personalities feel fragile and threatened.
Bouts of sadness, guilt, anger, and depression are normal reactions as are alcohol or drug abuse and emotions that feel like they are being controlled by a roller coaster.
However, in the end we recover. With a new set of realities and often new friends, we re-start our lives.
One such disaster struck my life very early in nineteen nighty-eight. I succumbed to all the normal symptoms of shock, anger, bitterness, grief, loss, dejection, desolation, fear, anxiety and woe. For twelve months or more, I was certainly not my normal self, and for want of a better word, I went a bit crazy.
During this time, I found that writing down my thoughts helped me in trying to understand what I was feeling or being confused about and while not offering any magic cure, it did at least give me something to occupy my mind and time.
In the early weeks, I found that putting these thoughts into rhyme took longer and therefore occupied me for a longer period of time each day. So began this journal.
Whenever I felt confused, annoyed, angry, sad, happy, stupid or miserable, I would take my note book and pencil and start exorcising my thoughts onto paper. And it helped.
While reflecting now, some ten years later, I would say that it took a little more than a year to fully recover to what I would call normality, I am sure it would have taken longer had I not kept this journal.
After recently reviewing all the notes and scraps of paper that combined to make my journal, I tried to reassemble them in chronological order. This was an impossible task, as many over lapped themselves and re-appeared at strange times. It was then that I started to categorise them by emotion. That was much easier, and as a bonus it ended up giving me the title for this book.
So it will be up to you if you wish to decide in what chronological order there verses were written and how the characters, locations and emotions intertwine.
For me, I am happy and normal again for yet another time in my life. Time to go forward. Until next time?

DH 2009

FORETHOUGHT

forethought |ˈfôrˌθôt|
noun
careful consideration of what will be necessary or may happen in the future : Jim had the forethought to book in advance.

Day One

The End……..

I do not keep a diary, so I will fashion by ode,
The events and the feelings of my difficult load.
This rhyming journal will remind me in years,
Of what I was feeling when I was so prone to tears.

This is a note book of loss, and of finding my way,
Back to a life, in a year and a day.
I will let it all out on day three sixty six,
For all eyes to see, What I felt, found and missed.

My journey to freedom, from hurting to bliss,
Is far from complete, I’m not healed with a kiss.
My torture and torment, and feelings of guilt,
Will abate as time passes and new foundations are built.

So read if you wish, I have no shame or remorse,
Of you seeing my soul, my heart and trod course.
But please don’t pass judgement on what you will read,
Just close the book gently when you’ve finished with me.

DH 1998

LOSS

loss |lôs; läs|
noun
the fact or process of losing something or someone : avoiding loss of time | funding cuts will lead to job losses | loss-making industries.
• the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value : I feel a terrible sense of loss.
• the detriment or disadvantage resulting from losing : his fall from power was no loss to the world.
• [in sing. ] a person or thing that is badly missed when lost : he will be a great loss to many people.
• Physics a reduction of power within or among circuits, measured as a ratio of power input to power output.

Nineteen Roses

Nineteen roses we planted with care,
To bloom in front of our dream.
We worked as a team, to plant red, yellow and cream,
And nurtured them through their first year.

Daily we checked on their health and their needs,
And sprayed and pruned and fed.
Watered and weeded, and cut blooms as we needed,
To fill our home with colour and scent.

To both of us then, such a short time ago,
They were our pride and our labour of joy.
We would look out each morning, at the river performing,
Its sparkling dance, behind our roses in row.

Do you remember that time? When we smiled.
Oh! I remember, it was such a short time ago.
It was when we cared for each other, every hour of the day,
Just like we cared for our roses.

I have cried all the day, since I heard you say,
That our nineteen roses have died.
All the care love and dreams we shared as a team,
Are now heading the way of our roses.

Our marriage, our roses have suffered the same fate,
And it is easy to see what has gone wrong.
We could both blame the frost, the sun and the drought,
For killing our roses and dreams.

As easy to say the people who preyed on our weaknesses,
Our isolation and care.
Are to blame for us both just forgetting at once,
That we needed to tend our marriage each day.

In the last short few months, in such a short time,
We have both destroyed our roses and dreams.
But through it all, I have known in my heart,
That we are both still in love with each other, and roses.

With the last gasp of breath of our marriage that’s left,
Could I ask you just once to believe,
That if we both wanted to try with a fierce desire,
We could endure overcome and survive.

We will be different of course, from months of remorse,
And much hurt and pain to be healed.
We have both lashed out in pain, and apportioned the blame,
at each other, when we have felt wronged.

But, could we be strong, and right all the wrong?
And survive to rebuild our dream.
To grow old together with a fierce new vigour,
And in time be stronger than ever.

I have suffered hurt and pain, anger and shame,
On my way to this one last gasp.
But, I now know for certain, no doubt, it is sure,
My heart has only room for one love.

And as hard as I might, have tried,
To believe, that the famous “smile” was “right”,
And to allow my wife to be wooed.
I was so very wrong, I played with fire and got burned.

And with it….I killed the roses.

DH 1998

The Beautiful Bird

Many years ago, I set my eyes on the most Beautiful Bird I had ever seen. She was dazzling in her beauty and song. I was entranced, and from that moment on, I was to devote my life to the wonder of this creature. She was wild, but was caged so tightly, and it was almost impossible to go near her, but over patient months and years, the Beautiful Bird began to trust my devotion.

It took so long, but time was of no importance, until the day she would trust my hand in her cage. Her fears, built over many years, were slowing ebbing into a dim memory. She began to trust my devotion.

And, from there, I made her larger cages, to allow her freedom to spread her wings, and prepare, hopefully, for the day she would fly freely, and show me the wonder of her natural beauty. And through these slow progressions, the trust remained, and my devotion strengthened. I was in awe of her beauty as I looked up every day, at my Beautiful Bird.

Daily I worked, at preparing my Beautiful Bird to be able to fly free. I made her cage so big, she could now make her own nest, she was preparing for her freedom. I wanted for my Beautiful Bird to enjoy the wonders of the world, and for the world to enjoy the beauty and wonder of her.

And, so, after many, many years of kindness and caring and patience, the day arrived.

My Beautiful Bird was flying free!!!!!

She was the most wonderful sight Mother Nature could have designed, and I watched in awe, as she soared, glided, swooped and turned…….and my heart sang as she returned to her nest.

Day by day, she flew further, and ventured to discover the wonder of the world, and I was so proud of my Beautiful Bird. I had found a frightened caged creature, and now, she had become what Mother Nature had intended her to be, the most beautiful enchanting creature on this earth!

But, on one fateful day, after years of care and devotion, my Beautiful Bird did not return to her nest. She had found a strangers nest, and I knew not where. I fretted all night for her. I sat by her nest, and waited, and waited, and waited, until later the next day……my Beautiful Bird returned home.
But she swooped, down from a tremendous height, caught my distraught and worried look, and then extended her talons, and tore out my eyes! I would never see my Beautiful Bird again. She soared up