My life. by Karina (ebook smartphone txt) 📕

Why can’t they see me??
I am here with two arms waving at them to notice me but they only see the girl outside. They don’t see me. They see a girl laughing at the silliest thing, the girl who annoys and the girl with dark wavy hair but they don’t see me. They see the imposter but not the real person. They don’t see the girl who notices everything, the one with the brains of a grown up, or the girl with the confused thoughts and cries herself to sleep. They see the wall but they won’t dare see behind it.

I wonder
Will they deny it if I tell them I was unhappy? Will they say that I was a little girl and didn’t know what pain is? I will tell them this. I know what depression is, I have been in it so many times that I think it’s normal and it feels like home to me. I feel uncomfortable without it. I have it every other week and I feel venerable and lost after it. I don’t know what happened when I was gone or who I was before it but I managed with no ones help. While every one else is planning for the week I am busy thinking how it feels to be dead, or where you go after and if we have any thoughts when we die? They don’t notice the difference when I am me or when I am someone else because they don’t know me.


Hear me
Where do you think we go when we die? Please answer the question. No one else has. They think I am turning Emo and Goth just because I think this. But please hear me when I say that I have no plans of dying any time soon. They don’t hear me when I tell them I picture myself dying and see all my family and friends grieving over me. Even if I think that I don’t want to die. I picture other people dying too. I picture and dream people dying all the time, does this make me think of becoming suicide?


Free
I want to be free. I want to be free from all these thoughts that I get at night, to be free from all these thoughts I have about life, to be free from being left alone in the dark. To be free will be the best I wick feel in years even if I am young.

Keep out!
I say go away to people like me, to people who are me. I look in the mirror and see no one like the girl who I feel is inside me, maybe that’s the reason I am the one to be friend a person and not them to me, I just look like a freak, but I don’t feel like one.


Future
I count to ten and wait. I want the future to be here now. I need to know who I’ll be and where I’ll go.


Will you wait?
In ten days I’ll be here for you, but I wonder would you wait for me if the days were months.....or if it was years and not months?


Willing
I need to know if I love you. I want to know if I can survive without you, maybe I need trust but I don’t want comfort.


Trust
They tell me not to trust them, they think I am just a child, yea they just assume, but what they really don't want to know is I don't trust them either. Don't cry or deny, you're not the first nor the last that I do not trust.


A Lie
Shhhh...don't say a word. Don't say nothing at all. Don't tell me you're leaving. Don't tell me you don't need me. Don't tell me you hate me, but please...pleeease don't tell me you love me.

Publication Date: 04-17-2010

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
To my family, may you never read this.