Trains, Planes and Automobiles by Paul Curtis (no david read aloud .txt) 📕

and render a third inaccessible
Then finally our paths crossed again inside
In the small cafeteria where his wife and he
Sat at one table while filling another one
With bags and coats to add insult onto injury
My feelings towards him were I must confess
Of a very unchristian nature I must concede
Though I feel no guilt for my feelings at all
After all he was a very selfish bastard indeed

THE SQUIRT CUT ME UP

I was driving my wife’s car the other day
And someone cut me up while on my way
The problem is that things are less familiar
Switches are different to my own little car
I went to sound the horn at the car ahead
And then the windscreen washers squirted
With trickling water obscuring my vision
I reflected on the wisdom of my decision
I shouted at him in defiance like you do
“Bastard, now let that be a lesson to you”

YOU !@*$$£! *!&%$£*

Have you ever noticed?
When driving around and about
Or even there and back
Anybody going slower than you
Is an idiot
And anyone going faster is a maniac


PEOPLE WATCHING

What I like to do while I am waiting
Is indulge in some people watching
Young Turks all suited and booted
Business types are pin stripe suited
Old aged women dressed in tweed
And middle aged men going to seed
Or loud teenager’s baseball capped
And naughty kids with hands slapped
A smart young man with shaven face
A pretty young girl in a top of lace
Balding heads show above headrests
Bra less students without their vests
Some read tabloids or broad sheets
While some doze quietly in their seats
Wow a girl bends over in tight jeans
Eyes look above books and magazines
It’s the little things that entertain
It all helps when traveling by train
It’s just a shame we haven’t moved yet
But they’ll have a good excuse I bet
The wrong snow, leaves on the rails
Or frozen points or some other tales
Valid reasons maybe in there own way
Its just that today is a lovely June day

HELLO

On the omnibus or railway train
Sea going vessels or aeroplane
Sat dining with friends in bistros
Or dancing in the dark at discos
No matter where you might be
Just remember this and mark me
Whether peaceful recreations
Or in a theatre for renditions
The mood is suddenly shattered
Silent thoughts are scattered
By a myriad of ringing tones
Of the annoying mobile phones


WHAT CAR?

When I was buying
My very first car
The adverts really
Read quite bizarre
It’s all coming back
It’s fun to reminisce
The adverts read
Something like this
“Only used on Sunday”
“Corners like its on rails”
“One previous owner”
And similar details
“Never raced or rallied”
“Only used for shopping”
“Three months mot”
“Will need taxing”
“Genuine low mileage”
“A good little runner”
“A bargain at fifty quid”
“Or nearest offer”
Two tone blue and rust
Sounded a bit tinny
I bought the car
A sixty five mini

SHIPPING

Why is it when you transport something?
By car it’s called a shipment
But when you transport something
On a ship it’s called a cargo consignment

PAINT POTTERIES

In Staffordshire this morning
There was a major incident
And it happened very close
To the town of Stoke on Trent
The crash involved a tanker
Full of thousands of gallons of paint
As a result of the spillage
The area is now called stroke on paint


HACKNEY CARRIAGE’S

There is something really special
About riding in black London cabs
Perhaps it is something reassuring
Like the sound of the door slamming
The philosophies varied and many
Of the quiet shy and retiring cabby
Or maybe the unique driving style
The becomes apparent in a short while
The knowledge of every road or lane
Oh look there’s the London eye again
The best thing about them I would say
Is that I don’t use them every day

CARS (CINQUAIN)

Cars
Shiny, Purring
Racing, Rushing, Crashing
Still Better Than Trains
Cars

ROAD RAGE # 1

On the road someone cut me up today
So he’d know that he was in my way
I hit the horn long and hard but alas
It was not working damn and blast
So I flashed the lights at him instead
Then realization came into my head
I was in my wife’s car, which is Japanese
And the controls differ by degrees
But the action that my wipers displayed
Showed that my point was well made
It may have appeared to be quite funny
But it showed I was not a happy bunny

BUDGET

They take you here
They take you there
To do it cheap
Just fly Chav air


JOYS OF THE OPEN ROAD

I used to love to drive but not anymore
I used to look forward to it
Any excuse but not these days
Driving is so joyless
Road rage abounds
Aggressive gestures are commonplace
Hand signals not found in the Highway Code
Two fingered gesticulations
Or one fingered like the Americans do
Called flipping the bird I believe
Or the one that looks like they’re shaking coffee beans
Then there’s tail gating or undertaking
A complete lack of lane discipline
You get blinded by flashing lights
Or deafened by sounding horns
Or you’re subjected to a tirade of verbal abuse
Language to make a fish wife blush
And the men are just as bad


LE TRAIN LATRINE

The new trains are really smart
A bit wobbly and I had to stand
As there is less room to sit
Because the toilets are so huge
For wheel chair access supposedly
Just in case a disabled person
Ever manages to get on to a train
By negotiating all the other obstacles
The train companies put in there way
But the toilets are so vast
I’m sure they’re big enough to fit in
The Dagenham girl pipers

ACCIDENTS HAPPEN

Kids messing about in the backs of cars
Can sometimes cause accidents to happen
While accidents in the backs of cars
Almost always cause kids to happen


BEAMERS (ACROSTICS)

With a look of superiority
And Teutonic arrogance
Numbered instead of named
Known by reputation to be
Engineered to perfection
Replaced the Cortina in popularity
Sodding things are everywhere

OH NO HE ISN’T

My great uncle John was an actor on the stage
Who was best known as a pantomime dame
Famous for his ugly sister and widow twanky
But not anymore which is a great shame

He has gone to that great pantomime in the sky
No longer will he don grease paint and his regalia
I will still see him though from time to time
Because he’s not dead he’s just working for Ryan air


LAY BY

I’m in a busy lay by
On a busy road
Vehicles come and go
Lorries for a rest break
Car drivers stretch legs
Or have a smoke
Maybe use the phone.
There’s one now
He’s walking my way
I hope he doesn’t want directions
He’s closer now
He smiles warmly
Which is a little worrying
A woman appears in my vision
Peripherally
They embrace
In a business like way
And walk towards his car
She isn’t dress for business
Not that kind anyway
Funny business, maybe
In the car they kiss again
With passion this time
Both playing away, obviously
They disengage themselves
And drive away
To continue their passions
Elsewhere, obviously
Her car is behind me somewhere
Left empty and abandoned
Until there passion is spent
Ahead of me somewhere
I can see another car sitting empty
Another story of lust and betrayal
Or mechanical breakdown
As for me
I’m waiting to meet my brother’s wife
It’s a funny business


FROM A TO B

When Going from a to b
It’s amazing what you see
White van man
Going hither and thither
White headed oldies
All of a dither
Driving school students
Holding up the flow
People who cant navigate
Who don’t know where to go
School run mums
Stopping where they may
Lane weaving bikers
Going their own way
Men in lycra on cycles
Breaking all the rules
Boy racers joyriding
Drag racers in duals
Stressed out salesmen
Talking on mobile phones
Able-bodied drivers
Parked in disabled zones
The Arrogant in BMW’s
Driving in bus lanes
Speeding in the sunshine
And again when it rains
Affluent essex girls
Driving four by fours
Its hell getting anywhere
I’d rather stay in doors

AFFORD A BEAMER

Have you ever noticed
How many cars are BMW’s
Every man and his dog it seems
Is driving one. Do you?

There are so many drivers today
Who now drive a Beamer
There are so many in fact
They’ve become today’s Cortina

BOWLED A BMW

I like to take driving holidays abroad
Last year it was Belgium and the lowlands
But the year I went down to Berlin
Wasn’t anywhere as good as Holland
The problem with driving German cars
Is they keep trying to head for Poland

GREAT BODYWORK

My wife caught me looking
At a lovely young woman today
A gorgeous young slip of a thing
And I did get an earful? I’ll say

So I replied to her calm, as you like
“I can admire a shiny car on display
But it doesn’t mean that I intend
To get in it and drive it away”


LET THE TRAIN TAKE THE STRAIN

Railway staff are unhelpful
Generally
Stations are cold and dirty
Typically
At my local station
In Farncombe
When it’s unattended
They lock the waiting room
When it is open
And it’s a winter’s day
The fire switches off
After a ten second time delay
Trains are late
Or worse don’t come at all
Leaves on the track
The wrong kind of snowfall
All these things
Drive commuters mad
Even the plagues of Egypt
Weren’t so bad

BROLLEY POLICY

All the most sensible ladies and fellas
Will always make sure they have four umbrellas
The first of course because they leave it at home always
The second one they leave at the office on rainy days
Then the third one because they leave it on the train
And of course the fourth is to start the cycle again

BUS FUSS

I was at the bus stop today
Waiting for one to go my way
One came which worried me a bit
So I decided not to catch it
Because its destination said “terminus”
And I didn’t want to die on a bus

CAR LESS AND CARELESS
This observation
I have happened to regard
People who don't drive
Slam car doors too damn hard

REALLY ANNOYING DRIVERS

Red light jumpers
Especially those peddling bikes
Articulated Lorries in the outside lane
Lads that show off to impress their mates
Ladies who really ought to know better
Young boy racers who pay more on insurance than they do on a car
And middle aged men driving sports cars
Newly passed show offs
Nutter's that indicate left and then turn right
Old geezers who dither about
Yes, the white van man
Idiots riding motor cycles
Nutter’s who over take on a bend
Gesticulators and abusers
Dogs slobbering out of their window
R risk takers who never give way
I Infuriating drivers who never signal
Very bad drivers who don’t hold their lane
Every bloody Taxi driver
Really dangerous tailgaters
Stupid drivers using mobile phones

REPELLING BOARDERS

She stood at the