Trains, Planes and Automobiles by Paul Curtis (no david read aloud .txt) 📕

NIGHTMARE FLIGHT

The nightmare that keeps me up at nights
Is about oxygen masks on airline flights
They don’t contain any oxygen it seems
They're only there to muffle the screams

A PEACEFUL END

I want to die peacefully in my sleep
Like my grandfather did without a fuss
I don’t want to die screaming in terror
Like all the passengers did on his Bus

BOX

I have often wondered I don’t know why
When a plane has fallen from the sky
And only the black box has survived
Why have the makers have never tried
To build a plane from the same stuff
As the black box because it’s so tough


GOOD AFTERBULE CONSTERNOON

You were stopped late one Saturday night
Because of a defective breaking light
Through the window “good morning ocifer”
To the constable you just manage to slur
With a shake of his head and a finger wag
“Step out of the car sir and blow into the bag”
“Three times over the limit positive that’s plain
“I’m sorry ocifer pleesh allow me to exshplain”
“I couldn’t call a Taxi coz it was dickipult to talk
So I had to drive coz I was too drunk to walk”

WORLDS END

It is said that if you were to line up end to end
All the cars in the world, if you comprehend
Of this I am sure my reputation I would stake
Some idiot would be stupid enough to overtake


POUND STRETCHER

I remember one of the airlines had once
A promotion that never got off the ground
It was called the pound stretcher and it
Applied no matter where you were bound
I think if I recollect you could go anywhere
In the world on a stretcher for a pound

I SWEAR

You never really learn
To swear or cuss
Until you learn to drive
A car or bus

THOSE WHO CAN, DO

When training kamikaze pilots
The instructor told them firmly
please pay very close attention
I will show you this one time only


SHIP RAGE

The silence of a foggy night in the fall
Was shattered suddenly by a radio call
“Unknown vessel divert your course please
And steer to the north by fifteen degrees
Recommend you make this correction
That we might avoid a head on collision”
The reply came “Divert YOUR course please
And steer to the south by fifteen degrees
Recommend you make this correction
That we might avoid a head on collision”
“This is the Captain of the USS Codfish
I say again, divert YOUR course forthwith”
The Reply came back “No, I say again
You must divert you course you cant remain”
This is the USS Codfish not a garbage scow
We’re a large warship divert your course now!
“I don’t care whether you are large or small”
“This is a lighthouse” Said the reply “your call”


HAZARDOUS HOSIERY

After an accident on the motorway
Involved a number of vehicles today
A trailer jackknifed and shed its load
Of tights and stockings in the road
The spokesperson for the traffic cops
Has announced there may be holdups

WHERE EAGLES DARE

Eagles may soar free and proud
Soaring high among the cloud
And they may look down to view
On more humble creatures who
Can’t soar high among the cloud
And cannot soar free and proud
But these creatures I should begin
Never get sucked into a jet engine


CONCORDE

Made jointly in Britain and France
This thing of beauty and elegance
I was at school when she first flew
It would not be bested that I knew
When a boy it was only a prototype
So unique there was no need to hype
The most beautiful sight I ever saw
Impossible not to be left in awe
I thought it was a fantastic dream
Revolutionary as harnessing steam
An example of the designers art
Shaped like a hi tech paper dart
To see the white lady gracefully soar
And hear the Rolls Royce engines roar
Brian Trubshaw brought her to life
Cutting through the ether like a knife
Its painted livery reflecting bright
While achieving supersonic flight
Apparently not every one is a fan
Not seeing the achievement of man
The have-nots looked on with envy
Was it the craft of the bourgeoisie?
The powers that be in their wisdom
Have grounded this phenomenon
The news brings tears to my eyes
As she’s no longer to grace our skies
So what’s to become of the Concorde?
The graceful lady so much adored
The destiny of the planes is a done deal
Broken for scrap or sale piecemeal
As if taken out of service is not enough
Pieces will be sold on ebay to a buff
Or maybe something even more bizarre
To be used as ornaments or Object d’art
No more chance of traveling deluxe
Were left to the flying cattle trucks
The Lumbering giants defying gravity
With Bigger payloads and longevity


THE PLANE TRUTH

I would like to un-invent the aeroplane
It has shrunken the world too much
You can fly to Sydney the same day
But so can so and so or such and such

Package tours take you far and wide
Everywhere you go you just despair
From Niagara Falls to Chinas great wall
Ryan and Kylie have beaten you there

Exclusive travelling has gone forever
Cheap package tours have ruined it
We all have to go third class together
In the classless society we now inhabit

Once we could dine with polite company
On the finest cuisine we could imagine
Now we must dine with the hoi palloi
And burgers and chips are quite routine


Once we’d dine with the Cooper-Smythes
Lunching on sandwiches of cured ham
Now we dine with a toothless Geordie
And a tattooed tart from Birmingham

Discerning travelers took ocean liners
Long sea journeys kept away the dross
And if anyone should forget their place
The offender overboard you could toss

The more difficult the journey there was
Made the getting their more worth while
The more luxurious the journey there was
Meant it was done in a little more style

Now we must crowd into third class seats
In our hundreds on these charter flights
To various destinations both near and far
On cheap package tours for fourteen nights


Once when you stepped upon the shore
A native girl placed a lei over your head
Now no welcoming committee meets you all
Just flip flop clad fat blokes there instead

I would like to un-invent the aeroplane
Now you can fly for just a few bucks
Please don’t think that I’m just a snob
But the global village idea really sucks

CLOSE SHAVE

Why is it when?
Two planes almost hit
It’s called a near miss?
That doesn’t fit
It should actually
Be called a near hit?


GAWD’N BENNIT - THE LIFE AND TIMES OF
JAMES GORDON BENNET II, 1841 - 1918
Gordon Bennett, not an exclamation but a real person
Born in New York but enjoying a European education
Named after his father who had been born a Scotsman
An immigrant to America who became a newspaperman
An accomplished New York journalist for many years
Founding the herald instituting many modern ideas

Known as Gordon to distinguish him from his father
A good journalist but he liked the good life rather
But he took over the herald and his fathers throne
He sent Stanley to Africa to seek out Dr Livingstone
He was never afraid to back a dangerous expedition
Even De Long’s ill-fated trip to the arctic region.

Gordon was at one time engaged to miss Caroline may
But he committed a most dreadful faux pas one-day
Arriving at her parents mansion both drunk and late
In front of her he proceeded to urinate in the grate
Bennett was unceremoniously ejected and sent away
Well the engagement was broken off needless to say

He lived mainly in Paris after the fireplace incident
But still running the herald by cable as president
Bennett was fond of sports, especially of yachting
But also of balloon, aeroplane and motor racing
Sponsoring many international events of the day
Some of the many trophies are still raced for today

Gordon Bennett was a bit of a daredevil of his day
He was known to be a playboy in an eccentric way
According to one particular well reported yarn
Bennett flew his aeroplane through an open barn
One surprised onlooker was supposed to have said
'Gordon Bennett' and hence the phrase was spread

Many names are remembered after the individual dies
He’s still better known as an exclamation of surprise
Gordon Bennett is one of the many euphemisms used
In order to prevent the word “god” being misused.
A colorful character whos daring exploits were famed
Would we remember had he been differently named?


GO RYAN

Flying no frills airlines on the cheap
With no food served or space to sleep
Seats crammed in for them to capitalize
The seats only catering for average size
No in flight film or any entertainment
Very cheap but hardly money well spent
Air conditioning switched off to save cash
At best you’re like animals at worst trash
Poor service and your fed Recycled air
And no room in your uncomfortable chair
You must fight your way to have a pee
And you disembark with cramp or DVT
Well done to all of the inverted snobs
Who envied those with cash or better jobs
You have lowered the standards for us all
Bargain airlines now fly long and short haul


WEAR SOMETHING WHITE

Please wear something white at night
That’s what we were told was right
But just you take care when it snows
And take advice from one who knows
I still get the flashbacks even now
From when I got hit by a snowplough


MORE TO BE PITIED THAN SCOLDED

In this world some people are very selfish
Who consider no one else in the world at all
I am thinking of one particular individual
I encountered at the Methodist church hall
I was there to drop my son to beaver scouts
And he his daughter to dance class in the hall
It was the first time our paths had crossed
This is the sequence of events as I can recall
He was blocking the entrance to the car park
His car was sat right in the middle first of all
As there is only one entrance to the church
The local traffic had soon slowed to a crawl
It was a puzzle why he’d stopped it seemed
For no apparent reason as far as I could see
He was oblivious to the sound of car horns
Or ironic cheers as he moved off eventually
He was so arrogant or so stupid that he made
No acknowledgement of his transgression
A tuneless chorus of car horns continued
Noisily expressing our anger and frustration
He then proceeded slowly to the car park
I swear he was driving as slowly as possible
He parked his car in such a way as to occupy
Two spaces