Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (e ink epub reader TXT) 📕

thou afraid of? What canst thou lose?—only thy life, which thou

hast so often offered to Me. I will help thee.” This was in

prayer, which was of such a nature as to ease my

soul exceedingly.

15. Once, having a desire to render some service to our Lord, I

considered that I could serve Him but poorly, and said to myself:

“Why, O Lord, dost Thou desire my works?” And He answered: “To

see thy good will, My child.”

16. Once our Lord gave me light in a matter that I was very glad

to understand, and I immediately forgot it, so that I was never

able to call it again to mind; and so, when I was trying to

remember it, I heard: “Thou knowest now that I speak to thee from

time to time. Do not omit to write down what I say; for, though

it may not profit thee, it may be that it will profit others.”

As I was thinking whether I, for my sins, had to be of use to

others, and be lost myself, He said to me: “Have no fear.”

17. I was once recollected in that companionship which I ever

have in my soul, and it seemed to me that God was present therein

in such a way that I remembered how St. Peter said: “Thou art

Christ, the Son of the living God;” [10] for the living God was

in my soul. This is not like other visions, for it overpowers

faith; so that it is impossible to doubt of the indwelling of the

Trinity in our souls, by presence, power, and essence. To know

this truth is of the very highest gain; and as I stood amazed to

see His Majesty in a thing so vile as my soul, I heard: “It is

not vile, My child, for it is made in My image.” [11] I also

learnt something of the reason why God delights in souls more

than in any other creatures: it is so subtile that, though the

understanding quickly comprehended it, I cannot tell it.

18. When I was in such distress, because of the troubles of our

father, [12] that I had no rest, and after Communion one day was

making most earnestly my petition to our Lord that, as He had

given him to me, I might not lose him, He said to me: “Have

no fear.”

19. Once, with that presence of the Three Persons which I have in

my soul, I was in light so clear that no doubt of the presence of

the true and living God was possible; and I then came to the

knowledge of things which afterwards I could not speak of. One of

these things was, how the person of the Son only took human

flesh. I cannot, as I have just said, explain it at all; for

some of these things were wrought in the secret recesses of the

soul, and the understanding seems to grasp them only as one who

is in his sleep, or half awake, thinks he comprehends what is

told him. I was thinking how hard it was to remain alive, seeing

that it was living on that robbed us of that marvellous

companionship; and so I said to myself: “O Lord, show me some way

whereby I may bear this life!” He said unto me: “Think, my

child, when life is over, thou canst not serve Me as thou art

serving Me now, and eat for Me, and sleep for Me. Whatsoever

thou doest, let it be done for Me as if thou wert no longer

living, but I; for that is what St. Paul said.” [13]

20. Once, after Communion, I saw how His Father within our soul

accepts the most Holy Body of Christ. I have understood and seen

how the Divine Persons are there, and how pleasing is this

offering of His Son, because He has His joy and delight in Him,

so to speak, here on earth; for it is not the Humanity only that

is with us in our, souls, but the Divinity as well, and thus is

it so pleasing and acceptable unto Him, and gives us graces so

great. I understood also that He accepts the sacrifice, though

the priest be in sin; but then the grace of it is not

communicated to his soul as it is to their souls who are in a

state of grace: not that the inflowings of grace, which proceed

from this Communion wherein the Father accepts the sacrifice,

cease to flow in their strength, but because of his fault who has

to receive them; as it is not the fault of the sun that it does

not illumine a lump of pitch, when its rays strike it as it

illumines a globe of crystal. If I could now describe it, I

should be better understood; it is a great matter to know this,

because there are grand secrets within us when we are at

Communion. It is sad that these bodies of ours do not allow us

to have the fruition thereof.

21. During the Octave of All Saints, [14] I had two or three days

of exceeding anguish, the result of my remembrance of my great

sins, and I was also in great dread of persecutions, which had no

foundation except that great accusations were brought against me,

and all my resolutions to suffer anything for God failed me:

though I sought to encourage myself, and made corresponding acts,

and saw that all would be a great pain for me, it was to little

purpose, for the fear never left me. It was a sharp warfare.

I came across a letter, in which my good father [15] had written

that St. Paul said that our God does not suffer us to be tempted

beyond our power to bear. [16] This was a very great relief to

me, but was not enough; yea, rather, on the next day I was in

great distress at his absence, for I had no one to go to in this

trouble, for I seemed to be living in great loneliness. And it

added to my grief to see that I now find no one but he who can

comfort me, and he must be more than ever away, which is a very

sore trouble.

22. The next night after this, reading in a book, I found another

saying of St. Paul, with which I began to be comforted; and being

slightly recollected, I remained thinking how I had our Lord

before present within me, so that I truly saw Him to be the

living God. While thinking on this He spoke to me, and I saw Him

in my inmost being, as it were beside my heart, in an

intellectual vision; His words were: “I am here, only I will have

thee see how little thou canst do without Me.” I was on the

instant reassured, and my fears left me; and while at Matins that

very night our Lord Himself, in an intellectual vision so clear

as to seem almost imaginary, laid Himself in my arms, as He is

painted in the pictures of our Lady of Anguish. [17] The vision

made me very much afraid, for it was so clear, and so close to

me, that it made me think whether it was an illusion or not.

He said to me, “Be not afraid of it, for the union of My Father

with thy soul is incomparably closer than this.” The vision has

remained with me till now. What I have said of our Lord

continued more than a month: now it has left me.

23. I was one night in great distress, because it was then a long

time since I had heard anything of my father; [18] and, moreover,

he was not well the last time he wrote to me. However, my

distress was not so great as that I felt before, for I had hopes,

and distress like that I never was in since; but still my anxiety

hindered my prayer. He appeared to me on the instant; it could

not have been the effect of imagination, for I saw a light within

me, and himself coming by the way joyous, with a face all fair.

It must have been the light I saw that made his face fair, for

all the saints in heaven seem so; and I considered whether it be

the light and splendour proceeding from our Lord that render them

thus fair. I heard this: “Tell him to begin at once without

fear, for the victory is his.”

24. One day, after he came, when I was at night giving thanks to

our Lord for the many mercies He had given unto me, He said to

me: “O my child, what canst thou ask that I have not done?”

25. Our Lord said to me one day, in the monastery of Veas, that I

was to present my petition to Him, for I was His bride.

He promised to grant whatever I might ask of Him, and, as a

pledge, gave me a very beautiful ring, with a stone set in it

like an amethyst, but of a brilliancy very unlike, which He put

on my finger. I write this to my own confusion, considering the

goodness of God, and my wretched life; for I have deserved hell.

Ah! my daughters, pray to God for me, and be devout to

St. Joseph, who can do much. This folly I write . . . folly

I write. . . .

26. On the eve of St. Laurence, at Communion, I was so distracted

and dissipated in mind, that I had no power over it, and began to

envy those who dwell in desert places; thinking that, as they see

and hear nothing, they are exempt from distractions. I heard

this: “Thou art greatly deceived, My daughter; on the contrary,

the temptations of Satan are more violent there. Have patience

while life lasts, it cannot be helped.” While dwelling on this,

I became suddenly recollected, and I saw a great light within me,

so that I thought I was in another world, and my spirit found

itself interiorly in a forest and in a garden of delights, which

made me remember those words of the Canticle: [19] “Veniat

dilectus meus in hortum suum.” I saw my Eliseus [20] there, not

at all swarthy, but in strange beauty: around his head was a

garland of precious stones; a multitude of damsels went before

him with palms in their hands, all singing hymns of praise unto

God. I did nothing but open my eyes, to see whether I could not

distract myself from the vision, but that failed to divert my

attention; and I thought there was music also,—the singing of

birds and of angels,—which filled my soul with joy, though I did

not hear any. My soul was in joy, and did not consider that

there was nobody else there. I heard these words: “He has

merited to be among you, and all this rejoicing which thou

beholdest will take place on the day he shall set aside for the

honour of My Mother; [21] and do thou make haste, if thou wouldst

reach the place where he is.” This vision lasted more than an

hour and a half. In this respect—differently from my other

visions—I could not turn away from it, and it filled me with

delight. The effect of the vision was a great affection for

Eliseus, and a more frequent thinking of him in that beauty.

I have had a fear of its being a temptation,