Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (e ink epub reader TXT) 📕

hatred of whom I made so public. Was there ever blindness so

great as mine? Where could I think I should find help but in

Thee? What folly to run away from the light, to be for ever

stumbling! What a proud humility was that which Satan devised

for me, when I ceased to lean upon the pillar, and threw the

staff away which supported me, in order that my fall might not

be great! [6]

16. I make the sign of the cross this moment. I do not think I

ever escaped so great a danger as this device of Satan, which he

would have imposed upon me in the disguise of humility. [7]

He filled me with such thoughts as these: How could I make my

prayer, who was so wicked, and yet had received so many mercies?

It was enough for me to recite the Office, as all others did; but

as I did not that much well, how could I desire to do more?

I was not reverential enough, and made too little of the mercies

of God. There was no harm in these thoughts and feelings in

themselves; but to act upon them, that was an exceedingly great

wickedness. Blessed be Thou, O Lord; for Thou camest to my help.

This seems to me to be in principle the temptation of Judas, only

that Satan did not dare to tempt me so openly. But he might have

led me by little and little, as he led Judas, to the same pit

of destruction.

17. Let all those who give themselves to prayer, for the love of

God, look well to this. They should know that when I was

neglecting it, my life was much worse than it had ever been; let

them reflect on the excellent help and the pleasant humility

which Satan provided for me: it was a grave interior disquietude.

But how could my spirit be quiet? It was going away in its

misery from its true rest. I remembered the graces and mercies I

had received, and felt that the joys of this world were

loathsome. I am astonished that I was able to bear it. It must

have been the hope I had; for, as well as I can remember now, it

is more than twenty-one years ago. I do not think I ever gave up

my purpose of resuming my prayer; but I was waiting to be very

free from sin first.

18. Oh, how deluded I was in this expectation! The devil would

have held it out before me till the day of judgment, that he

might then take me with him to hell. Then, when I applied myself

to prayer and to spiritual reading,—whereby I might perceive

these truths, and the evil nature of the way I was walking in,

and was often importunate with our Lord in tears,—I was so

wicked, that it availed me nothing; when I gave that up, and

wasted my time in amusing myself, in great danger of falling into

sin, and with scanty helps,—and I may venture to say no help at

all, unless it was a help to my ruin,—what could I expect but

that of which I have spoken?

19. I believe that a certain Dominican friar, a most learned man,

has greatly merited in the eyes of God; for it was he who roused

me from this slumber. He made me—I think I said so

before [8]—go to Communion once a fortnight, and be less given

to evil; I began to be converted, though I did not cease to

offend our Lord all at once: however, as I had not lost my way, I

walked on in it, though slowly, falling and rising again; and he

who does not cease to walk and press onwards, arrives at last,

even if late. To lose one’s way is—so it seems to me—nothing

else but the giving up of prayer. God, of His mercy, keeps us

from this!

20. It is clear from this,—and, for the love of God, consider it

well,—that a soul, though it may receive great graces from God

in prayer, must never rely on itself, because it may fall, nor

expose itself in any way whatever to any risks of sin. This

should be well considered because much depends on it; for the

delusion here, wherein Satan is able to entangle us afterwards,

though the grace be really from God, lies in the traitor’s making

use of that very grace, so far as he can, for his own purpose,

and particularly against persons not grown strong in virtues, who

are neither mortified nor detached; for these are not at present

strong enough—as I shall explain hereafter [9]—to expose

themselves to dangerous occasions, notwithstanding the noble

desires and resolutions they may have.

21. This doctrine is excellent, and not mine, but the teaching of

God, and accordingly I wish ignorant people like myself knew it;

for even if a soul were in this state, it must not rely so much

upon itself as to go forth to the battle, because it will have

enough to do in defending itself. Defensive armour is the

present necessity; the soul is not yet strong enough to assail

Satan, and to trample him under foot, as those are who are in the

state of which I shall speak further on. [10]

22. This is the delusion by which Satan prevails: when a soul

sees itself so near unto God, when it sees the difference there

is between the things of heaven and those of earth, and when it

sees the love which our Lord bears it, there grows out of that

love a certain trust and confidence that there is to be no

falling away from that the fruition of which it then possesses.

It seems to see the reward distinctly, as if it were impossible

for it to abandon that which, even in this life, is so delicious

and sweet, for anything so mean and impure as worldly joy.

Through this confidence, Satan robs it of that distrust which it

ought to have in itself; and so, as I have just said, [11] the

soul exposes itself to dangers, and begins, in the fulness of its

zeal, to give away without discretion the fruit of its garden,

thinking that now it has no reason to be afraid for itself.

Yet this does not come out of pride; for the soul clearly

understands that of itself it can do no good thing; but rather

out of an excessive confidence in God, without discretion:

because the soul does not see itself to be unfledged. It can go

forth out of its nest, and God Himself may take it out, but still

it cannot fly, because the virtues are not strong, and itself has

no experience wherewith to discern the dangers; nor is it aware

of the evil which trusting to itself may do it.

23. This it was that ruined me. Now, to understand this, and

everything else in the spiritual life, we have great need of a

director, and of conference with spiritual persons. I fully

believe, with respect to that soul which God raises to this

state, that He will not cease to be gracious to it, nor suffer it

to be lost, if it does not utterly forsake His Majesty. But when

that soul—as I said—falls, let it look to it again and again,

for the love of our Lord, that Satan deceive it not by tempting

it to give up prayer, as he tempted me, through that false

humility of which I have spoken before, [12] and would gladly

speak of again and again. Let it rely on the goodness of God,

which is greater than all the evil we can do. When we,

acknowledging our own vileness, desire to return into His grace,

He remembers our ingratitude no more,—no, not even the graces He

has given us, for the purpose of chastising us, because of our

misuse of them; yea, rather, they help to procure our pardon the

sooner, as of persons who have been members of His household, and

who, as they say, have eaten of His bread.

24. Let them remember His words, and behold what He hath done

unto me, who grew weary of sinning before He grew weary of

forgiving. He is never weary of giving, nor can His compassion

be exhausted. Let us not grow weary ourselves of receiving.

May He be blessed for ever, Amen; and may all created things

praise Him!

1. See ch. xx. § 2.

2. See ch. xvii. § 3.

3. Ch. vii. § 17, and ch. viii. § 5.

4. Psalm cxviii. 137: “Thou art just, O Lord, and Thy judgment

is right.”

5. See ch. xxv.

6. See ch. viii. § 1.

7. Ch. vii. § 17.

8. Ch. vii. § 27.

9. Ch. xxxi. § 21.

10. Ch. xx. § 33, and ch. xxv. § 24.

11. Ch. xix. § 4.

12. See § 16.

Chapter XX.

The Difference Between Union and Rapture. What Rapture Is.

The Blessing It Is to the Soul. The Effects of It.

1. I wish I could explain, with the help of God, wherein union

differs from rapture, or from transport, or from flight of the

spirit, as they speak, or from a trance, which are all one. [1]

I mean, that all these are only different names for that one and

the same thing, which is also called ecstasy. [2] It is more

excellent than union, the fruits of it are much greater, and its

other operations more manifold; for union is uniform in the

beginning, the middle, and the end, and is so also interiorly.

But as raptures have ends of a much higher kind, they produce

effects both within and without. [3] As our Lord has explained

the other matters, so also may He explain this; for certainly, if

He had not shown me in what way and by what means this

explanation was in some measure possible, I should never have

been able to do it.

2. Consider we now that this last water, of which I am speaking,

is so abundant that, were it not that the ground refuses to

receive it, we might suppose that the cloud of His great Majesty

is here raining down upon us on earth. And when we are giving

Him thanks for this great mercy, drawing near to Him in earnest,

with all our might, then it is our Lord draws up the soul, as the

clouds, so to speak, gather the mists from the face of the earth,

and carries it away out of itself,—I have heard it said that the

clouds, or the sun, draw the mists together, [4]—and as a cloud,

rising up to heaven, takes the soul with Him, and begins to show

it the treasures of the kingdom which He has prepared for it.

I know not whether the comparison be accurate or not; but the

fact is, that is the way in which it is brought about.

During rapture, the soul does not seem to animate the body, the

natural heat of which is perceptibly lessened; the coldness

increases, though accompanied with exceeding joy

and sweetness. [5]

3. A rapture is absolutely irresistible; whilst union, inasmuch

as we are then on our own ground, may be hindered, though that

resistance be painful and violent; it is, however, almost always

impossible. But rapture, for the most part, is irresistible.

It comes, in general, as a shock, quick and sharp, before you can

collect your thoughts, or help yourself in any way, and you see

and feel it as a cloud, or a strong eagle rising upwards, and

carrying you