Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (e ink epub reader TXT) 📕

that I was not inclined to murmur or to speak ill of anybody;

that I could not—I believe so—wish harm to any one; that I was

not, to the best of my recollection, either avaricious or

envious, so as to be grievously offensive in the sight of God;

and that I was free from many other faults,—for, though so

wicked, I had lived constantly in the fear of God,—I had to look

at the very place which the devils kept ready for me. It is true

that, considering my faults, I had deserved a still heavier

chastisement; but for all that, I repeat it, the torment was

fearful, and we run a great risk whenever we please ourselves.

No soul should take either rest or pleasure that is liable to

fall every moment into mortal sin. Let us, then, for the love of

God, avoid all occasions of sin, and our Lord will help us, as He

has helped me. May it please His Majesty never to let me out of

His hands, lest I should turn back and fall, now that I have seen

the place where I must dwell if I do. I entreat our Lord, for

His Majesty’s sake, never to permit it. Amen.

11. When I had seen this vision, and had learned other great and

hidden things which our Lord, of His goodness, was pleased to

show me,—namely, the joy of the blessed and the torment of the

wicked,—I longed for the way and the means of doing penance for

the great evil I had done, and of meriting in some degree, so

that I might gain so great a good; and therefore I wished to

avoid all society, and to withdraw myself utterly from the world.

I was in spirit restless, yet my restlessness was not harassing,

but rather pleasant. I saw clearly that it was the work of God,

and that His Majesty had furnished my soul with fervour, so that

I might be able to digest other and stronger food than I had been

accustomed to eat. I tried to think what I could do for God, and

thought that the first thing was to follow my vocation to a

religious life, which His Majesty had given me, by keeping my

rule in the greatest perfection possible.

12. Though in that house in which I then lived there were many

servants of God, and God was greatly served therein, yet, because

it was very poor, the nuns left it very often and went to other

places, where, however, we could serve God in all honour and

observances of religion. The rule also was kept, not in its

original exactness, but according to the custom of the whole

Order, authorised by the Bull of Mitigation. There were other

inconveniences also: we had too many comforts, as it seemed to

me; for the house was large and pleasant. But this inconvenience

of going out, though it was I that took most advantage of it, was

a very grievous one for me; for many persons, to whom my

superiors could not say no, were glad to have me with them.

My superiors, thus importuned, commanded me to visit these

persons; and thus it was so arranged that I could not be long

together in the monastery. Satan, too, must have had a share in

this, in order that I might not be in the house, where I was of

great service to those of my sisters to whom I continually

communicated the instructions which I received from

my confessors.

13. It occurred once to a person with whom I was speaking to say

to me and the others that it was possible to find means for the

foundation of a monastery, if we were prepared to become nuns

like those of the Barefooted Orders. [4] I, having this desire,

began to discuss the matter with that widowed lady who was my

companion,—I have spoken of her before, [5]—and she had the

same wish that I had. She began to consider how to provide a

revenue for the home. I see now that this was not the way,—only

the wish we had to do so made us think it was; but I, on the

other hand, seeing that I took the greatest delight in the house

in which I was then living, because it was very pleasant to me,

and, in my own cell, most convenient for my purpose, still held

back. Nevertheless, we agreed to commit the matter with all

earnestness to God.

14. One day, after Communion, our Lord commanded me to labour

with all my might for this end. He made me great promises,—that

the monastery would be certainly built; that He would take great

delight therein; that it should be called St. Joseph’s; that

St. Joseph would keep guard at one door, and our Lady at the

other; that Christ would be in the midst of us; that the

monastery would be a star shining in great splendour; that,

though the religious Orders were then relaxed, I was not to

suppose that He was scantily served in them,—for what would

become of the world, if there were no religious in it?—I was to

tell my confessor what He commanded me, and that He asked him not

to oppose nor thwart me in the matter.

15. So efficacious was the vision, and such was the nature of the

words our Lord spoke to me, that I could not possibly doubt that

they came from Him. I suffered most keenly, because I saw in

part the great anxieties and troubles that the work would cost

me, and I was also very happy in the house I was in then; and

though I used to speak of this matter in past times, yet it was

not with resolution nor with any confidence that the thing could

ever be done. I saw that I was now in a great strait; and when I

saw that I was entering on a work of great anxiety, I hesitated;

but our Lord spoke of it so often to me, and set before me so

many reasons and motives, which I saw could not be gainsaid,—I

saw, too, that such was His will; so I did not dare do otherwise

than put the whole matter before my confessor, and give him an

account in writing of all that took place.

16. My confessor did not venture definitely to bid me abandon my

purpose; but he saw that naturally there was no way of carrying

it out; because my friend, who was to do it, had very little or

no means available for that end. He told me to lay the matter

before my superior, [6] and do what he might bid me do. I never

spoke of my visions to my superior, but that lady who desired to

found the monastery communicated with him. The Provincial was

very much pleased, for he loves the whole Order, gave her every

help that was necessary, and promised to acknowledge the house.

Then there was a discussion about the revenues of the monastery,

and for many reasons we never would allow more than thirteen

sisters together. Before we began our arrangements, we wrote to

the holy friar, Peter of Alcantara, telling him all that was

taking place; and he advised us not to abandon our work, and gave

us his sanction on all points.

17. As soon as the affair began to be known here, there fell upon

us a violent persecution, which cannot be very easily

described—sharp sayings and keen jests. People said it was

folly in me, who was so well off in my monastery; as to my

friend, the persecution was so continuous, that it wearied her.

I did not know what to do, and I thought that people were partly

in the right. When I was thus heavily afflicted, I commended

myself to God, and His Majesty began to console and encourage me.

He told me that I could then see what the Saints had to go

through who founded the religious Orders: that I had much heavier

persecutions to endure than I could imagine, but I was not to

mind them. He told me also what I was to say to my friend; and

what surprised me most was, that we were consoled at once as to

the past, and resolved to withstand everybody courageously.

And so it came to pass; for among people of prayer, and indeed in

the whole neighbourhood, there was hardly one who was not against

us, and who did not think our work the greatest folly.

18. There was so much talking and confusion in the very monastery

wherein I was, that the Provincial began to think it hard for him

to set himself against everybody; so he changed his mind, and

would not acknowledge the new house. He said that the revenue

was not certain, and too little, while the opposition was great.

On the whole, it seemed that he was right; he gave it up at last,

and would have nothing to do with it. It was a very great pain

to us,—for we seemed now to have received the first blow,—and

in particular to me, to find the Provincial against us; for when

he approved of the plan, I considered myself blameless before

all. They would not give absolution to my friend, if she did not

abandon the project; for they said she was bound to remove

the scandal.

19. She went to a very learned man, and a very great servant of

God, of the Order of St. Dominic, [7] to whom she gave an account

of all this matter. This was even before the Provincial had

withdrawn his consent; for in this place we had no one who would

give us advice; and so they said that it all proceeded solely

from our obstinacy. That lady gave an account of everything, and

told the holy man how much she received from the property of her

husband. Having, a great desire that he would help us,—for he

was the most learned man here, and there are few in his Order

more learned than he,—I told him myself all we intended to do,

and some of my motives. I never said a word of any revelation

whatever, speaking only of the natural reasons which influenced

me; for I would not have him give an opinion otherwise than on

those grounds. He asked us to give him eight days before he

answered, and also if we had made up our minds to abide by what

he might say. I said we had; but though I said so, and though I

thought so, I never lost a certain confidence that the monastery

would be founded. My friend had more faith than I; nothing they

could say could make her give it up. As for myself, though, as I

said, it seemed to me impossible that the work should be finally

abandoned, yet my belief in the truth of the revelation went no

further than in so far as it was not against what is contained in

the sacred writings, nor against the laws of the Church, which we

are bound to keep. Though the revelation seemed to me to have

come really from God, yet, if that learned man had told me that

we could not go on without offending God and going against our

conscience, I believe I should have given it up, and looked out

for some other way; but our Lord showed me no other way

than this.

20. The servant of God told me afterwards that he had made up his

mind to insist