Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (e ink epub reader TXT) 📕

life and death, pleasure and pain. I seem to have no feeling.

The soul seems to me like a little ass, which feeds and thrives,

because it accepts the food which is given it, and eats it

without reflection. The soul in this state must be feeding on

some great mercies of God, seeing that its miserable life is no

burden to it, and that it bears it patiently but it is conscious

of no sensible movements or results, whereby it may ascertain the

state it is in.

23. It seems to me now like sailing with a very gentle wind, when

one makes much way without knowing how; for in the other states,

so great are the effects, that the soul sees almost at once an

improvement in itself, because the desires instantly are on fire,

and the soul is never satisfied. This comes from those great

impetuosities of love, spoken of before, [16] in those to whom

God grants them. It is like those little wells I have seen

flowing, wherein the upheaving of the sand never ceases.

This illustration and comparison seem to me to be a true

description of those souls who attain to this state; their love

is ever active, thinking what it may do; it cannot contain

itself, as the water remains not in the earth, but is continually

welling upwards. So is the soul, in general; it is not at rest,

nor can it contain itself, because of the love it has: it is so

saturated therewith, that it would have others drink of it,

because there is more than enough for itself, in order that they

might help it to praise God.

24. I call to remembrance—oh, how often!—that living water of

which our Lord spoke to the Samaritan woman. That Gospel [17]

has a great attraction for me; and, indeed, so it had even when I

was a little child, though I did not understand it then as I do

now. I used to pray much to our Lord for that living water; and I

had always a picture of it, representing our Lord at the well,

with this inscription, “Domine, da mihi aquam.” [18]

25. This love is also like a great fire, which requires fuel

continually, in order that it may not burn out. So those souls I

am speaking of, however much it may cost them, will always bring

fuel, in order that the fire may not be quenched. As for me, I

should be glad, considering what I am, if I had but straw even to

throw upon it. And so it is with me occasionally—and, indeed,

very often. At one time, I laugh at myself; and at another, I am

very much distressed. The inward stirring of my love urges me to

do something for the service of God; and I am not able to do more

than adorn images with boughs and flowers, clean or arrange an

oratory, or some such trifling acts, so that I am ashamed of

myself. If I undertook any penitential practice, the whole was

so slight, and was done in such a way, that if our Lord did not

accept my good will, I saw it was all worthless, and so I laughed

at myself. The failure of bodily strength, sufficient to do

something for God, is no light affliction for those souls to whom

He, in His goodness, has communicated this fire of His love in

its fulness. It is a very good penance; for when souls are not

strong enough to heap fuel on this fire, and die of fear that the

fire may go out, it seems to me that they become fuel themselves,

are reduced to ashes, or dissolved in tears, and burn away: and

this is suffering enough, though it be sweet.

26. Let him, then, praise our Lord exceedingly, who has attained

to this state; who has received the bodily strength requisite for

penance; who has learning, ability, and power to preach, to hear

confessions, and to draw souls unto God. Such a one neither

knows nor comprehends the blessing he possesses, unless he knows

by experience what it is to be powerless to serve God in

anything, and at the same time to be receiving much from Him.

May He be blessed for ever, and may the angels glorify

Him! Amen.

27. I know not if I do well to write so much in detail. But as

you, my father, bade me again not to be troubled by the

minuteness of my account, nor to omit anything, I go on

recounting clearly and truly all I can call to mind. But I must

omit much; for if I did not, I should have to spend more

time—and, as I said before, [19] I have so little to spend, and

perhaps, after all, nothing will be gained.

1. Ch. xxvii. §§ 17, 18, 19.

2. Hoja de lata, “cierta hoja de hierro muy delgada”

(Cobarruvias, Tesoro, in voce).

3. Ch. xxiv. § 5. Doña Guiomar de Ulloa.

4. Ch. xxvi. § 5.

5. Ch. vii. § 12.

6. See ch. xxviii. § 24.

7. Ch. xxiii. § 7.

8. A “custody” is a division of the province, in the Order of

St. Francis, comprising a certain number of convents.

9. § 10.

10. Job i.

11. See ch. xxxii. § 1, &c.

12. See ch. xxviii. § 6.

13. See Way of Perfection, ch. lxi. § 2; but ch. xxxiv. § 8 of

the earlier editions.

14. Ch. xx. § 21, ch. xxv. § 22, ch. xxvi. § 3.

15. “Un Credo.”

16. Ch. xxix. § 11.

17. St. John iv. 5-42: the Gospel of Friday after the Third

Sunday in Lent, where the words are, “hanc aquam.”

18. “Lord, give me this water” (St. John iv. 15). See ch. i. §

6; and Way of Perfection, ch. xxix. § 5; ch. xix. § 5 of the

earlier editions.

19. Ch. xiv. § 12.

Chapter XXXI.

Of Certain Outward Temptations and Appearances of Satan. Of the

Sufferings Thereby Occasioned. Counsels for Those Who Go on

Unto Perfection.

1. Now that I have described certain temptations and troubles,

interior and secret, of which Satan was the cause, I will speak

of others which he wrought almost in public, and in which his

presence could not be ignored. [1]

2. I was once in an oratory, when Satan, in an abominable shape,

appeared on my left hand. I looked at his mouth in particular,

because he spoke, and it was horrible. A huge flame seemed to

issue out of his body, perfectly bright, without any shadow.

He spoke in a fearful way, and said to me that, though I had

escaped out of his hands, he would yet lay hold of me again.

I was in great terror, made the sign of the cross as well as I

could, and then the form vanished—but it reappeared instantly.

This occurred twice; I did not know what to do; there was some

holy water at hand; I took some, and threw it in the direction of

the figure, and then Satan never returned.

3. On another occasion, I was tortured for five hours with such

terrible pains, such inward and outward sufferings, that it

seemed to me as if I could not bear them. Those who were with me

were frightened; they knew not what to do, and I could not help

myself. I am in the habit, when these pains and my bodily

suffering are most unendurable, to make interior acts as well as

I can, imploring our Lord, if it be His will, to give me

patience, and then to let me suffer on, even to the end of the

world. So, when I found myself suffering so cruelly, I relieved

myself by making those acts and resolutions, in order that I

might be able to endure the pain. It pleased our Lord to let me

understand that it was the work of Satan; for I saw close beside

me a most frightful little negro, gnashing his teeth in despair

at losing what he attempted to seize. When I saw him, I laughed,

and had no fear; for there were some then present who were

helpless, and knew of no means whereby so great a pain could be

relieved. My body, head, and arms were violently shaken; I could

not help myself: but the worst of all was the interior pain, for

I could find no ease in any way. Nor did I dare to ask for holy

water, lest those who were with me should be afraid, and find out

what the matter really was.

4. I know by frequent experience that there is nothing which puts

the devils to flight like holy water. They run away before the

sign of the cross also, but they return immediately: great, then,

must be the power of holy water. As for me, my soul is conscious

of a special and most distinct consolation whenever I take it.

Indeed, I feel almost always a certain refreshing, which I cannot

describe, together with an inward joy, which comforts my whole

soul. This is no fancy, nor a thing which has occurred once

only; for it has happened very often, and I have watched it very

carefully. I may compare what I feel with that which happens to

a person in great heat, and very thirsty, drinking a cup of cold

water—his whole being is refreshed. I consider that everything

ordained by the Church is very important; and I have a joy in

reflecting that the words of the Church are so mighty, that they

endow water with power, so that there shall be so great a

difference between holy water and water that has never been

blessed. Then, as my pains did not cease, I told them, if they

would not laugh, I would ask for some holy water. They brought

me some, and sprinkled me with it; but I was no better. I then

threw some myself in the direction of the negro, when he fled in

a moment. All my sufferings ceased, just as if some one had

taken them from me with his hand; only I was wearied, as if I had

been beaten with many blows. It was of great service to me to

learn that if, by our Lord’s permission, Satan can do so much

evil to a soul and body not in his power, he can do much more

when he has them in his possession. It gave me a renewed desire

to be delivered from a fellowship so dangerous.

5. Another time, and not long ago, the same thing happened to me,

though it did not last so long, and I was alone at the moment.

I asked for holy water; and they who came in after the devil had

gone away,—they were two nuns, worthy of all credit, and would

not tell a lie for anything,—perceived a most offensive smell,

like that of brimstone. I smelt nothing myself; but the odour

lasted long enough to become sensible to them.

6. On another occasion, I was in choir, when, in a moment, I

became profoundly recollected. I went out in order that the

sisters might know nothing of it; yet those who were near heard

the sound of heavy blows where I was, and I heard voices myself,

as of persons in consultation, but I did not hear what they said:

I was so absorbed in prayer that I understood nothing, neither

was I at all afraid. This took place almost always when our Lord

was pleased that some soul or other, persuaded by me, advanced in

the