Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (e ink epub reader TXT) 📕

and said something of his penance. [1] Among other things, I

have been assured that he wore continually, for twenty years, a

girdle made of iron. [2] He is the author of certain little

books, in Spanish, on prayer, which are now in common use; for,

as he was much exercised therein, his writings are very

profitable to those who are given to prayer. He kept the first

rule of the blessed St. Francis in all its rigour, and did those

things besides of which I spoke before.

3. When that widow, the servant of God and my friend, of whom I

have already spoken, [3] knew that so great a man had come, she

took her measures. She knew the straits I was in, for she was an

eye-witness of my afflictions, and was a great comfort to me.

Her faith was so strong, that she could not help believing that

what others said was the work of the devil was really the work of

the Spirit of God; and as she is a person of great sense and

great caution, and one to whom our Lord is very bountiful in

prayer, it pleased His Majesty to let her see what learned men

failed to discern. My confessors gave me leave to accept relief

in some things from her, because in many ways she was able to

afford it. Some of those graces which our Lord bestowed on me

fell to her lot occasionally, together with instructions most

profitable for her soul. So, then, when she knew that the

blessed man was come, without saying a word to me, she obtained

leave from the Provincial for me to stay eight days in her house,

in order that I might the more easily confer with him. In that

house, and in one church or another, I had many conversations

with him the first time he came here; for, afterwards, I had many

communications with him at diverse times.

4. I gave him an account, as briefly as I could, of my life, and

of my way of prayer, with the utmost clearness in my power.

I have always held to this, to be perfectly frank and exact with

those to whom I make known the state of my soul. [4] Even my

first impulses I wish them to know; and as for doubtful and

suspicious matters, I used to make the most of them by arguing

against myself. Thus, then, without equivocation or concealment,

I laid before him the state of my soul. I saw almost at once

that he understood me, by reason of his own experience. That was

all I required; for at that time I did not know myself as I do

now,so as to give an account of my state. It was at a later time

that God enabled me to understand myself, and describe the graces

which His Majesty bestows upon me. It was necessary, then, that

he who would clearly understand and explain my state should have

had experience of it himself.

5. The light he threw on the matter was of the clearest; for as

to these visions, at least, which were not imaginary, I could not

understand how they could be. And it seemed that I could not

understand, too, how those could be which I saw with the eyes of

the soul; for, as I said before, [5] those visions only seemed to

me to be of consequence which were seen with the bodily eyes: and

of these I had none. The holy man enlightened me on the whole

question, explained it to me, and bade me not to be distressed,

but to praise God, and to abide in the full conviction that this

was the work of the Spirit of God; for, saving the faith, nothing

could be more true, and there was nothing on which I could more

firmly rely. He was greatly comforted in me, was most kind and

serviceable, and ever afterwards took great care of me, and told

me of his own affairs and labours; and when he saw that I had

those very desires which in himself were fulfilled already,—for

our Lord had given me very strong desires,—and also how great my

resolution was, he delighted in conversing with me.

6. To a person whom our Lord has raised to this state, there is

no pleasure or comfort equal to that of meeting with another whom

our Lord has begun to raise in the same way. At that time,

however, it must have been only a beginning with me, as I

believe; and God grant I may not have gone back now. He was

extremely sorry for me. He told me that one of the greatest

trials in this world was that which I had borne,—namely, the

contradiction of good people, [6]—and that more was in reserve

for me: I had need, therefore, of some one—and there was no one

in this city—who understood me; but he would speak to my

confessor, and to that married nobleman, already spoken of, [7]

who was one of those who tormented me most, and who, because of

his great affection for me, was the cause of all these attacks.

He was a holy but timid man, and could not feel safe about me,

because he had seen how wicked I was, and that not long before.

The holy man did so; he spoke to them both, explained the matter,

and gave them reasons why they should reassure themselves, and

disturb me no more. My confessor was easily satisfied,—not so

the nobleman; for though they were not enough to keep him quiet,

yet they kept him in some measure from frightening me so much as

he used to do.

7. We made an agreement that I should write to him and tell him

how it fared with me, for the future, and that we should pray

much for each other. Such was his humility, that he held to the

prayers of a wretch like me. It made me very much ashamed of

myself. He left me in the greatest consolation and joy, bidding

me continue my prayer with confidence, and without any doubt that

it was the work of God. If I should have any doubts, for my

greater security, I was to make them known to my confessor, and,

having done so, be in peace. Nevertheless, I was not able at all

to feel that confidence, for our Lord was leading me by the way

of fear; and so, when they told me that the devil had power over

me, I believed them. Thus, then, not one of them was able to

inspire me with confidence on the one hand, or fear on the other,

in such a way as to make me believe either of them, otherwise

than as our Lord allowed me. Accordingly, though the holy friar

consoled and calmed me, I did not rely so much on him as to be

altogether without fear, particularly when our Lord forsook me in

the afflictions of my soul, of which I will now speak.

Nevertheless, as I have said, I was very much consoled.

8. I could not give thanks enough to God, and to my glorious

father St. Joseph, who seemed to me to have brought him here.

He was the commissary-general of the custody [8] of St. Joseph,

to whom, and to our Lady, I used to pray much.

9. I suffered at times—and even still, though not so often—the

most grievous trials, together with bodily pains and afflictions

arising from violent sicknesses; so much so, that I could

scarcely control myself. At other times, my bodily sickness was

more grievous; and as I had no spiritual pain, I bore it with

great joy: but, when both pains came upon me together, my

distress was so heavy, that I was reduced to sore straits.

10. I forgot all the mercies our Lord had shown me, and

remembered them only as a dream, to my great distress; for my

understanding was so dull, that I had a thousand doubts and

suspicions whether I had ever understood matters aright, thinking

that perhaps all was fancy, and that it was enough for me to have

deceived myself, without also deceiving good men. I looked upon

myself as so wicked as to have been the cause, by my sins, of all

the evils and all the heresies that had sprung up. This is but a

false humility, and Satan invented it for the purpose of

disquieting me, and trying whether he could thereby drive my soul

to despair. I have now had so much experience, that I know this

was his work; so he, seeing that I understand him, does not

torment me in the same way as much as he used to do. That it is

his work is clear from the restlessness and discomfort with which

it begins, and the trouble it causes in the soul while it lasts;

from the obscurity and distress, the aridity and indisposition

for prayer and for every good work, which it produces. It seems

to stifle the soul and trammel the body, so as to make them good

for nothing.

11. Now, though the soul acknowledges itself to be miserable, and

though it is painful to us to see ourselves as we are, and though

we have most deep convictions of our own wickedness,—deep as

those spoken of just now, [9] and really felt,—yet true humility

is not attended with trouble; it does not disturb the soul; it

causes neither obscurity nor aridity: on the contrary, it

consoles. It is altogether different, bringing with it calm,

sweetness, and light. It is no doubt painful; but, on the other

hand, it is consoling, because we see how great is the mercy of

our Lord in allowing the soul to have that pain, and how well the

soul is occupied. On the one hand, the soul grieves over its

offences against God; on the other, His compassion makes it glad.

It has light, which makes it ashamed of itself; and it gives

thanks to His Majesty, who has borne with it so long. That other

humility, which is the work of Satan, furnishes no light for any

good work; it pictures God as bringing upon everything fire and

sword; it dwells upon His justice; and the soul’s faith in the

mercy of God—for the power of the devil does not reach so far as

to destroy faith—is of such a nature as to give me no

consolation: on the contrary, the consideration of mercies so

great helps to increase the pain, because I look upon myself as

bound to render greater service.

12. This invention of Satan is one of the most painful, subtle,

and crafty that I have known him to possess; I should therefore

like to warn you, my father, of it, in order that, if Satan

should tempt you herein, you may have some light, and be aware of

his devices, if your understanding should be left at liberty:

because you must not suppose that learning and knowledge are of

any use here; for though I have none of them myself, yet now that

I have escaped out of his hands I see clearly that this is folly.

What I understood by it is this: that it is our Lord’s pleasure

to give him leave and license, as He gave him of old to tempt

Job; [10] though in my case, because of my wretchedness, the

temptation is not so sharp.

13. It happened to me to be tempted once in this way; and I

remember it was on the day before the vigil