Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (e ink epub reader TXT) 📕

5. When I was staying with that lady of whom I have been

speaking, [1] it happened to me once when I was suffering from my

heart,—for, as I have said, [2] I suffered greatly at one time,

though not so much now,—that she, being a person of great

charity, brought out her jewels set in gold, and precious stones

of great price, and particularly a diamond, which she valued very

much. She thought this might amuse me; but I laughed to myself,

and was very sorry to see what men made much of; for I thought of

what our Lord had laid up for us, and considered how impossible

it was for me, even if I made the effort, to have any

appreciation whatever of such things, provided our Lord did not

permit me to forget what He was keeping for us.

6. A soul in this state attains to a certain freedom, which is so

complete that none can understand it who does not possess it.

It is a real and true detachment, independent of our efforts; God

effects it all Himself; for His Majesty reveals the truth in such

a way, that it remains so deeply impressed on our souls as to

make it clear that we of ourselves could not thus acquire it in

so short a time.

7. The fear of death, also, was now very slight in me, who had

always been in great dread of it; now it seems to me that death

is a very light thing for one who serves God, because the soul is

in a moment delivered thereby out of its prison, and at rest.

This elevation of the spirit, and the vision of things so high,

in these trances seem to me to have a great likeness to the

flight of the soul from the body, in that it finds itself in a

moment in the possession of these good things. We put aside the

agonies of its dissolution, of which no great account is to be

made; for they who love God in truth, and are utterly detached

from the things of this life, must die with the

greater sweetness.

8. It seems to me, also, that the rapture was a great help to

recognise our true home, and to see that we are pilgrims

here; [3] it is a great thing to see what is going on there and

to know where we have to live; for if a person has to go and

settle in another country, it is a great help to him, in

undergoing the fatigues of his journey, that he has discovered it

to be a country where he may live in the most perfect peace.

Moreover, it makes it easy for us to think of the things of

heaven, and to have our conversation there. [4] It is a great

gain, because the mere looking up to heaven makes the soul

recollected; for as our Lord has been pleased to reveal heaven in

some degree, my soul dwells upon it in thought; and it happens

occasionally that they who are about me, and with whom I find

consolation, are those whom I know to be living in heaven, and

that I look upon them only as really alive; while those who are

on earth are so dead, that the whole world seems unable to

furnish me with companions, particularly when these impetuosities

of love are upon me. Everything seems a dream, and what I see

with the bodily eyes an illusion. What I have seen with the eyes

of the soul is that which my soul desires; and as it finds itself

far away from those things, that is death.

9. In a word, it is a very great mercy which our Lord gives to

that soul to which He grants the like visions, for they help it

in much, and also in carrying a heavy cross, since nothing

satisfies it, and everything is against it; and if our Lord did

not now and then suffer these visions to be forgotten, though

they recur again and again to the memory, I know not how life

could be borne. May He be blessed and praised for ever and ever!

I implore His Majesty by that Blood which His Son shed for me,

now that, of His good pleasure, I know something of these great

blessings, and begin to have the fruition of them, that it may

not be with me as it was with Lucifer, who by his own fault

forfeited it all. I beseech Thee, for Thine own sake, not to

suffer this; for I am at times in great fear, though at others,

and most frequently, the mercy of God reassures me, for He who

has delivered me from so many sins will not withdraw His hand

from under me, and let me be lost. I pray you, my father, to beg

this grace for me always.

10. The mercies, then, hitherto described, are not, in my

opinion, so great as those which I am now going to speak of, on

many accounts, because of the great blessings they have brought

with them, and because of the great fortitude which my soul

derived from them; and yet every one separately considered is so

great, that there is nothing to be compared with them.

11. One day—it was the eve of Pentecost—I went after Mass to a

very lonely spot, where I used to pray very often, and began to

read about the feast in the book of a Carthusian; [5] and reading

of the marks by which beginners, proficients, and the perfect may

know that they have the Holy Ghost, it seemed to me, when I had

read of these three states, that by the goodness of God, so far

as I could understand, the Holy Ghost was with me. I praised God

for it; and calling to mind how on another occasion, when I read

this, I was very deficient,—for I saw most distinctly at that

time how deficient I was then from what I saw I was now,—I

recognised herein the great mercy of our Lord to me, and so began

to consider the place which my sins had earned for me in hell,

and praised God exceedingly, because it seemed as if I did not

know my own soul again, so great a change had come over it.

12. While thinking of these things, my soul was carried away with

extreme violence, and I knew not why. It seemed as if it would

have gone forth out of the body, for it could not contain itself,

nor was it able to hope for so great a good. The impetuosity was

so excessive that I had no power left, and, as I think, different

from what I had been used to. I knew not what ailed my soul, nor

what it desired, for it was so changed. I leaned for support,

for I could not sit, because my natural strength had

utterly failed.

13. Then I saw over my head a dove, very different from those we

usually see, for it had not the same plumage, but wings formed of

small shells shining brightly. It was larger than an ordinary

dove; I thought I heard the rustling of its wings. It hovered

above me during the space of an Ave Maria. But such was the

state of my soul, that in losing itself it lost also the sight of

the dove. My spirit grew calm with such a guest; and yet, as I

think, a grace so wonderful might have disturbed and frightened

it; and as it began to rejoice in the vision, it was delivered

from all fear, and with the joy came peace, my soul continuing

entranced. The joy of this rapture was exceedingly great; and

for the rest of that festal time I was so amazed and bewildered

that I did not know what I was doing, nor how I could have

received so great a grace. I neither heard nor saw anything, so

to speak, because of my great inward joy. From that day forth I

perceived in myself a very great progress in the highest love of

God, together with a great increase in the strength of my

virtues. May He be blessed and praised for ever! Amen.

14. On another occasion I saw that very dove above the head of

one of the Dominican fathers; but it seemed to me that the rays

and brightness of the wings were far greater. I understood by

this that he was to draw souls unto God.

15. At another time I saw our Lady putting a cope of exceeding

whiteness on that Licentiate of the same Order, of whom I have

made mention more than once. [6] She told me that she gave him

that cope in consideration of the service he had rendered her by

helping to found this house, [7] that it was a sign that she

would preserve his soul pure for the future, and that he should

not fall into mortal sin. I hold it for certain that so it came

to pass, for he died within a few years; his death and the rest

of his life were so penitential, his whole life and death so

holy, that, so far as anything can be known, there cannot be a

doubt on the subject. One of the friars present at his death

told me that, before he breathed his last, he said to him that

St. Thomas was with him. [8] He died in great joy, longing to

depart out of this land of exile.

16. Since then he has appeared to me more than once in

exceedingly great glory, and told me certain things. He was so

given to prayer, that when he was dying, and would have

interrupted it if he could because of his great weakness, he was

not able to do so; for he was often in a trance. He wrote to me

not long before he died, and asked me what he was to do; for as

soon as he had said Mass he fell into a trance which lasted a

long time, and which he could not hinder. At last God gave him

the reward of the many services of his whole life.

17. I had certain visions, too, of the great graces which our

Lord bestowed upon that rector of the Society of Jesus, of whom I

have spoken already more than once; [9] but I will not say

anything of them now, lest I should be too tedious. It was his

lot once to be in great trouble, to suffer great persecution and

distress. One day, when I was hearing Mass, I saw Christ on the

Cross at the elevation of the Host. He spoke certain words to

me, which I was to repeat to that father for his comfort,

together with others, which were to warn him beforehand of what

was coming, and to remind him of what He had suffered on his

behalf, and that he must prepare for suffering. This gave him

great consolation and courage; and everything came to pass

afterwards as our Lord had told me.

18. I have seen great things of members of the Order to which

this father belongs, which is the Society of Jesus, and of the

whole Order itself; I have occasionally seen them in heaven with

white banners in their hands, and I have had other most wonderful

visions, as I am saying, about them, and therefore have a great

veneration for this Order; for I have had a great deal to do with

those who are of it, and I see that their lives