Here I Am Again. by Analyin Roselyn (books to read in your 20s .TXT) 📕

Here I am again.

In this room with white quilted walls and a white bed with no windows. The lights flicker every now and then. You can’t even find the door because it blends in with the walls.

This place is a prison. They feed you bland food with no taste. And you have to eat it. If you don’t, they will think that you are starving yourself and keep you even longer. So you have no choice whatsoever.

This is my second time in here.

My first time was when I was 13 and I tried to overdose on some pills that my friend gave me. She told me that if I took the pills that all my troubles will go away and I didn’t have to worry anymore. Well, lets just say that they almost went away. The next day, i pretended to be sick so that I can stay at home and die alone. But my older brother decided to get suspended from school that day and came home early. When he got home, he found me in the bathroom and immediately called the police. I tried to stop him and tell him I was okay because it turns out I didnt take enough to die but it was already too late when the ambulance showed up and had me strapped onto the gurney. When we got to the hospital, my mom and aunt was already there and balling their eyes out.

They sent me to the mental hospital for children but let me tell you...it didnt do anything for me. I came out just as the ame I went in. All that they did was tell me how wrong I was and yell at me for trying to kill myself. And then when it was time to go, they prescribed me anti-depressants.

Still didnt help by the way.

From that day forward, I learned to keep a smile on my face and my feelings on the inside. Every time someone asks me how I am doing, I will give them the same answer:I am Okay. Or I am doing great.

I have kept up this charade for three years now and I have finally broken.

I didnt think I could hold myself up that long.

I am in here today because I…..

Wait. I want to tell you the story, the whole story. With every detail and every word so that you understand.

Once upon a time....

Hi. My name is Emily Roland.

I am 16 years old.

I have one older brother named Jace and he is 18. He is a senior this year in high school but I don't think that he is graduating anytime soon.

And I hate my life.

I know that's probably what you don't want to hear but that's what this whole story is about.

Why do I hate my life you must ask..

Well, let me tell you.

It all started when I was 7 years old. That was the time that my mom decided that she wanted to leave. My dad was a hard working business man but not enough apparently for my mom. She ran off with some younger guy from the office she used to work at. My dad was devastated.

He end up losing his job and his mind while at it. Some days, he will be perfectly fine and then other days, he would sit at the kitchen table with his hand over his mouth and a stern look on his face, staring off into space all day, not moving an inch. I felt bad for my father because he worked so hard to keep our family together. My parents were always arguing no matter what it was about.

Money. Cars. Bills. Who cheated first….

It was a mess.

I remember some nights I would sit in front of my door with a chair under the handle holding my hands to my ears either crying or cuddling up next to my dog,Thunder.
I have always felt safe with Thunder. And I have always felt safe with Jace. But never around my own parents. I always was scared that they were going to blow at some point.

Around the age of 9, my dad got a new job at another office building, met a woman at his office, his intern at that, and he fell in love. They dated for a couple of months and during that couple of months, he was the happiest I have ever seen him. He was smiling. He was laughing. He was playing.

But once again, it didn't last long. She was fired because she had some sex scandal going on, and my father once again, fell into depression.

This time deeper.

He didn't sleep. He didn't eat. He didn't smile. He didn't work. He didn't laugh. He didn't live.

He would lay in his bed all day or be in his office, staring at his computer screen.

Then around the age of 10, he started to drink. He would drink and drink and drink.

He soon lost his memory. He lost his patience. He would physically abuse me and Jace. I remember one time he locked jace in the closet for two days without food because he got in trouble at school. I helped him out and tried to sneak in as much as I could but I couldn't do it often.

He lost all hope. And he lost faith. And soon…

He lost his life.

He was drunk and driving Jace and I to school. He was yelling at us for not doing the dishes right and he turned around only for a second, and we got hit.

I remember waking up to sirens and smoke everywhere. I remember crying out dad’s name as I watch him bleed and die right in front of me.

Jace and I had minor injuries. I had a broken arm and some head injuries and Jace had a broken leg and some internal bleeding from crushed organs.
I remember being in shock while sitting in the hospital waiting room...waiting for my mom.

When she arrived, she was so different. She had brown hair instead of blonde and it was longer. She was much skinnier. And she was wearing something I would have never thought I would see my mother wear:a sundress.

She came over in tears talking about how she missed her babies. But I didn't care...because she left us. She packed us into the car and told us that we are going to be okay.

She took us by our house to pack stuff up until she could get us a new wardrobe but I didn't want anything. All I wanted was Thunder.
She didn't want to keep him but I cried and cried. She eventually called her new fiance and he said yes.

There was no way I was leaving without Thunder.

I grabbed all of his stuff and packed it in the car.

All I grabbed of mine was my headphones and mp3 player.

The drive there was the longest ride of my life. She lived way off into the country. I fell asleep at some time during the ride so I wasn't awake for the full ride.

I woke up to the car bumping and shaking as we dorve up her 50 yard driveway.
Her house...is beautiful.

There is a big fountain in the front yard with flowers around it and two big palm trees beside is.. The front yard alone is about the size of half a football field.

The driveway goes around in a u-turn out into the street again.

The house alone is so...so big.

Like a mansion. My mother parked in front of the house and her fiance was sitting on the front stairs with a big smile on his face. He helped and all of that.

All of that gibberish.
The house was huge on the inside. It had a ballroom, 7 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms.

Nine. Nine bathrooms.

But anyway….

We finally settled in about two weeks later. We got our own rooms and even had walk in closets.

We should be happy right?

Wrong.

I still have nightmares. I still have memories of my dad. I still have visions.

I have flashbacks of how my dad looked when he was in the front seat dying.

I will never forget that face. I still cry every night.

And I am secretly sad.

When I turned 13, my Thunder died.

My poor...little Thunder died of old age.

I couldn't stand it.

I lost two of the most important things in my life. I hate my mom.

I don't know what to live for anymore. So I tried to kill myself.
It didn't really work out and I was put in a mental hospital for two weeks.

I haven't been in school for two years now and tomorrow is my first day back…

Yay.

Couldn't be happier.

Today is my first day at Cypress Bay High School in Weston, Florida. And I am supposed to be happy because this is my first year back at public school.

For the past couple of years, I have had a private tutor come to my house and keep me up to date with all my schooling. I have also done online schooling but my mom tells me that I have to get back out there in the world and make new friends.

The only person that I have actually talked to is either Jace or a person that goes to that school name Christopher.

He is gay and right now...he is one of my best friends.
Probably my only friend but, he is my best friend. He told me yesterday that he couldn't wait to see me today at school and that he wants to be my tour guide.

I am kind of happy to have someone care so much.

Well my mom cares, but only because she has to; She is our mother.

Over the past couple of years, I have grown pretty close to my mom’s new husband.

His name is Brent. He has become like a father to me. Like a real father…..

Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!

My alarm goes off beside my head, blaring in my ear. I groan and turn over in my bed, slamming my hand down on my snooze button.

“EMILY!....Emily wake up please!”

I groaned and put my pillow over my face. I could hear my mother’s high heels in the hallway, clacking down on the wooden floor.

Knock.Knock.Knock.

“Emily!.....Emily get up….”
I could hear my door open and my mother come in. I lifted my head just a little.

“Moooommm. What are you doing?”

She pulled open my curtains, allowing a big ray of sunshine to hit me right in the face. She looked at me with her hands on her hips.

“Get up. We have to be at your school at 9:30….And it's already 8:45. Now get up…”

I plopped my head back down and sighed.

“Not today….can't I go tomorrow?”

She started grabbing on my blankets and pulling them off of me.

“If you don't get out of this bed...we have been putting this off for two weeks.”

I pulled back, trying to hide a smile.
“Moom.”
A deep husky, country voice came from my doorway.

“Well, what is going down in here?”

It was Brent. Mom straightened up and cleared her throat.

“Your daughter….wont get out of bed. And we have 45 more minutes left…,” She looked at her watch,”Well, 38 now..”

He chuckled and walked over to my bed. He kissed mom’s