The Diary of Isabelle Adams by Megan Crants (ebook reader for pc TXT) 📕

the turmoil and threat he faces if he flees though, he still seems willing to risk the journey. Of course, I cannot even begin to prevent him from leaving. Seeing him dying slowly here…it would be completely inappropriate for me to beg him to stay. His happiness means the world to me. However…I can’t help but feel a growing sense of desperation and fear well up inside, begging resolution to a question which I feel shamed to even ask myself-what about me?
Isaac is my other half. He is the reason I wake in the morning and the last thought that flows through my mind before I drift off to sleep at night. The thought of him not being there hurts too much to even think about. Tears sting at the corners of my eyes, the unfairness of it all is incomprehensible. Can I bring myself to let him go? It seems impossible.
He senses my distress-I don’t have to say a word. He holds me as he hums a soothing melody, his arms wrapped around me tightly. He tells me that the brightest star in the sky will be his guide to eternity. All I need to do to feel close to him is to look at the North Star and know that he’s somewhere looking at that very same one. I can hardly take comfort in this statement as he will be risking his life to follow that star through the night, running from men on patrol and braving the wilderness. Cold…lonely…hungry…frightened…I softly shed my tears into his ragged shirt, burying my face into the warmth of his body. There has to be a way for us, not this nightmare which we face.
All of these years of hiding, I suppose I knew that Isaac was unhappy…but I couldn’t help holding onto the hope that maybe I might be enough to make him stay. But he has reached the point, as I had always known he would, in which he just can’t take it anymore. I understand, and yet I am jealous of the freedom he has to seek opportunity. I feel trapped inside my life, like I can’t risk anything without being ostracized. He can only move up in life-I am stuck in a reverberation.
Love has a funny way of clinging on forever and breaking your heart even when you’re still together. I never thought I could miss a person so much as I did in those late hours of the night, just dreaming and loving and knowing who we wanted to be was who we were in those moments. As I turned to walk away tonight, he grabbed my hand and slipped something into my outstretched palm. As he closed my fingers over the gift, his eyes danced and smiled, as if he had a secret. Then, he dashed silently away to go back to his quarters, leaving me alone to my thoughts. I slowly opened my hand and inside lay a small note and a dried rose bud. The note reads “You are so beautiful. Don’t let anyone hold you captive inside yourself. Show the world the gorgeous petals that you keep dried and stowed away. I love you my rose bud.” I never did quite appreciate the significance of my name. I understand now.
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October 30, 1840

Isaac is gone.
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November 23, 1840

Dear God,

Please, help Isaac to be strong. Help him to survive whatever injustice throws at him. I pray that he is warm, fed, and above all, satisfied. I pray that one day, we will be able to be together again. I sometimes like to believe that he’s already in the north, safe and happy, and will be coming back for me soon. I know that it is just wishful thinking…but oh how I wish it were true. Please give me the strength to move past these painful memories of fidelity and allow me to move on with my life. I feel so weak, so tired. Every day is a struggle to find motivation and I can hardly look out the window without my heart failing me. I can’t stand the pain of not knowing. A dull ache lies in the pit of my stomach and chest at every moment. I find myself spending sleepless nights, gazing at the North Star and imagining that he is looking upon it too, thinking of me. Is he thinking of me? Is he really safe and still following the stars towards freedom? Keep him, oh Lord, in your thoughts. Isaac is a good man and I pray you allow him favorable conditions for achieving his destiny. I want all of the happiness in the world to fall upon him. Thank you oh Merciful One.

Amen.
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May 4, 1851

The Compromise Act of 1850 was supposed to be a means of making everyone happy. I’ll have you know that, while the states as a majority may have been content with these negotiations, it certainly didn’t make my life any easier. The compromise allowed California to be let in and declared a free state, New Mexico and Utah the decision to choose on the matter of slaves, and for Texas to pay 10 million dollars by the federal government to settle the Texas-New Mexico fight over boundaries. In addition, selling slaves became illegal in DC, however the act of slavery remained legal and the Fugitive Slave Act was passed. The Fugitive Slave Act forced the population of free states to assist in the capture and restoration of runaway slaves. All I could think when I heard the news was of the one who continued to hold my heart: Isaac.
Paul saw this change as wonderful. He understood the compromise and completely agreed with it. I wish he weren’t so outspoken about his opinions though. Sometimes I feel as though he is a bit rash in his decisions. Paul had never fully recovered from the rage of Isaac leaving. With the discovery of the escape, he had left the house in a fit of fury with a shotgun and, though I knew Paul would never kill Isaac, I still was fearful. I had never seen him so full of rage and revenge-seeking fury before. Isaac was long gone by the time Paul realized and Paul didn’t even think to ask me if I knew anything of his whereabouts. What would I know, after all?
I am so confused and afraid now. What if Isaac is captured? Of course, he’d be returned and I could see him again…but I couldn’t wish that on him. I’m sure he’s happy where he is-free and content. Besides, with my husbands compulsive anger attacks, who knows what would happen to him once he came home. I cannot believe that, though I haven’t seen Isaac for years now, his memory burns in my mind as though that night of his departure was yesterday. He is still a part of my life, and I fear for him now.
I have often contemplated telling my husband of the love Isaac and I share…but I can never work up the courage. When I hear him talking of his strongly racist views, I have a sudden urge to throw something at his head. I don’t want to be known as ‘Paul’s wife’. I want to be my own person with my own thoughts. I want the world to understand that slavery is unjust and wrong. I want Paul to know that his own wife fell into interracial love. I want to scream in his ear so he’ll never forget.
All of my life I’ve been suppressed and I can’t take it anymore. Why is it so wrong to be an abolitionist? Why can’t I tell everyone who I really am? Why is it so hard to understand and accept that I’m different? I don’t belong in the South; I can’t belong in the South. Of course, if I did take action and tell the world of my lofty goals for a non-racial community, that would mean facing the consequences. I’m not afraid of flying…it’s the landing that I fear.
What Isaac said, to show my petals to the world, could that really be what I should do? I was closed up too tightly, too dry and out of energy to affect change. I can’t follow in the footsteps of my neighbors forever and I can’t make everyone around me understand and change. I can hardly do anything but be myself.
When will I finally find my own voice? Can it really be this difficult to maintain a sense of self while complying to society’s desire? Will this everlasting conflict ever find resolution? Or will this Compromise tear my life into even tinier shreds?
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September 10, 1851

Today my heart collapsed and healed itself all in the same moment. Today a smile returned to my face and I floated in a cloud of ecstasy and delight. Today, I started to live again. Today, I received a letter from Isaac.
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Isabelle-

I will keep this brief, as I know you are busy brightening the world with your presence. I am safe and well and traveling the Underground Railroad was the adventure of a lifetime. The feeling of fear added to the desperation of missing you kept me awake most nights, but the adrenaline kept me alert for danger so, in a way, you saved my life many a time. Thank you for that. In addition, I have been living in Pennsylvania by myself and I have been doing better than ever. Knowing I don’t belong to anyone is a feeling so liberating, I cannot even find the words to pen them to you. All I know is this now-my life is not complete without you. I have dreamed about you every night and not a moment goes by where I don’t wish that I could see you and be with you. That is why now I must ask for your hand in marriage. I cannot live without you and, if you will have me, I know I can make you happy. I offer you this ring as a promise to love you forever. The ring may not seem like much, but what it represents is bigger than you could possibly imagine. Of course, I understand that you’d be risking everything to come run away with me to the North, but I felt that I must at least know I tried rather than die not knowing your answer. I love you no matter what and I always will, regardless of what anyone else says. I will never let go of you.

Yours Forever,
Isaac
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My response was short and simple:

Isaac-

Yes. Come take me away.


Yours Forever and Ever,
Isabelle
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How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love