Always Yours by Amicia Bianchi (best books to read fiction TXT) 📕

“No,” he answered.

“That’s a prime example of what I’m talking about, Bryce told them something and if his words had been misconstrued he should have corrected it but he didn’t because they had it right,” I reasoned aloud.

When Jason continued to wait on me it seemed to fuel my frustration even more. Why wouldn't he say anything? Did he think I was over analyzing it? Ok probably with that one but that wasn't the only thing...

“He wasn’t serious with me, he wasn’t. And it made me wonder sometimes, were we even exclusive? It made me sick to my stomach thinking about it but I had to be realistic.” Jason was shaking his head, shocked.

“Alyssa-” but I wasn’t done. You wanted justification, well here you go.

“It’s not something that just occurred me. I may have been his girlfriend but that didn’t mean I was the one he wanted to be with. Even when we were together I realized that, it was hard not to, with the way he used look at Emy. Then after looking at her like that, he turned to me with a wary expression. You think I can just forget something like that in a moment’s notice because 'oh now Bryce knows we’re mates'? And just like that he gets a clean slate?”

Jason’s eyebrows twitched just slightly. I knew that meant he was probably misunderstanding what I was saying. I don't hate him but I can't pretend as if nothing happened, now can I?

“I’m not trying to do this to punish him, Jason. My brain won’t forget just because Bryce got an epiphany, my scars won’t magically be gone. I need time to readjust and above all I need to have reason to believe things will be different…”

Confused, Jason opened his mouth to comment but I knew what he was going to say. He still didn't get it... not yet anyway. Bryce knew now that we were mates while that was great I wasn't so quick to assume anything would change because before when we were together we had been friends and he still treated me the way he had. What did that say about our friendship if I could so readily assume that he would be a thousand times better?

“It’s a rather poor assumption that everything will be better now that he knows, and you want to know why? I realized that in order to come to that conclusion you’re assuming that Bryce either purposefully treated me like crap…”

He immediately started denying that claim. Now you're starting to understand my dilemma...

“…Or he didn’t realize what he was doing hurt me. If the later is the case, like I said, I need time and a break from all the drama. Also he needs to show me it isn’t the 'same old same old', I don’t want to hear sweet words I want to see action. But if he’s fine acting the way he has since we started dating than, mate or whatever, I don’t need him.” He raised an eyebrow.

“Are you sure you’d be willing to lose him?”

“I started losing him when we started dating,” I snapped. “I didn’t always recognize who that guy was because the idiot thought we couldn’t still be friends and acted like he had to be someone else.” I was fed up with everyone turning a blind eye to the fact that he had started acting different yet wanted me to just deal with it. Either he got his act together or be that strange person without me because, of all things, on this I wasn't compromising.

At this he took to silence again and put on his reflective expression once more. Welcome to my way of thinking.

“When you’re a crackhead, simply admitting that you have a problem doesn’t changed what you are. And if you happen to find your mate, who when you admit to your addiction and she doesn’t leave you, that still doesn’t solve anything because you’re still a crackhead,” I said heatedly. His eyebrow ascended once more.

“Sounds like you know someone in particular with that problem,” he commented. I nodded sadly. At first I said nothing as I went to lean against the porch railing looking out into the distance thinking memories coming to the forefront of my mind like a movie.

“My uncle Sev, and after seeing what my poor aunt Mabel went through, I swore that wouldn’t be me. Before I knew it I was making excuses, rationalizing that I had reason not to give up on us, and ‘turning the other cheek’ every time something hurt me. 'You just ignore the bad as if nothing happened,' she'd say and that was exactly what I did without even realizing it. Just like my aunt,” I admitted bitterly, a single tear escaping. Jason got up and gave me a hug, that I returned.

We just stood on my porch like that as I allowed him to comfort me. “I only have two cheeks and, hypothetically, both have gotten slapped plenty. And I’m tired of it. How many times is each supposed to get slapped before I can finally just sock ’em back,” I whispered into his shoulder and he chuckled.

“Is that why you’ve been avoiding Angie?” he finally broke the silence after we’d sat back down. Thinking about it, I knew she was disappointed and would try to talk me out my decision. It may not be the right one but it was a decision I’d made myself.

“I finally made a decision and I refuse to let anyone make me feel bad about making it.” He sighed.

“She isn’t trying to make you feel guilty or anything. You know how she is sometimes.”

“I know. Angie’s always nagging about ‘following the natural order of things’ so I know she won’t agree with what I’m doing even if she understands why. Then I end up doubting mysef and thinking I was wrong.”

Angie had the philosophy that in life there was a ‘natural order’ things were supposed to work in. If one went in accordance with the natural order everything would somehow work itself out in time. Therefore she believed that sometimes one simply had to make sacrifices to achieve the natural order but it’d be worth it in the end. So with me and Bryce, for example, since we were mates we are meant to be together. The natural order would be to stay together, let him claim me, and become a mated pair despite everything. My scars and pain were just sacrifices to be endured for the greater end and our issues would resolve in time.

I wasn’t Angie, this was the decision I’d come to, and nobody could change my mind right now. This didn’t mean that no one could make me feel guilty or that I wouldn’t change my mind later. This was simply what I felt that I needed for the time being: space. It was only temperary, I had many reasons not to make it permanant besides Angie's reasoning. Although a small part of my brain believed Angie that with something like mating was inveitible and the more one struggled against the natural order bad things happened making one quickly realized you'd just simply made things worst for yourself.

“It can be hard trying to not just do what other people want. Doing what you want might hurt someone eventually because everyone seems to have an opinion. Especially  when everybody else knows what they want you to do but you don’t know what you want. It’s tempting, at first, to just listen to others but then you get confused not knowing who’s right. Don’t forget that we’ll always be there for you, we only try to assert our opinions because we care. So don’t worry about Angie, she’ll be okay. The important thing to remember is that you don’t have to go through everything alone. Okay?”

“Yeah,” I felt at ease that I’d finally put my scrambled thoughts together into words, made a decision, and he seemed to accept it. With one last hug he left me on the porch swing where I stayed for a while, staring into space, before heading back inside.

After talking to Jason I felt almost as if I had it all figured out but as time passed I wasn't sure anymore. Bryce had quickly deduced that I wouldn't text back and the tone of his messages changed drastically. He started texting me at least three times a day around the same time everyday and I eventually realized that each had a category.

There were the good morning texts which started out with 'good morning', were motivational, and ended with well wishing for my day.

Next, the 'I miss you' texts were usually written in such a way that you'd think he'd stolen it from a hallmark card and came around 2 o'clock. Everyday he'd pick one thing about me that he missed then tell me how much and why he missed it most they were thoughtful, or simply cute, but some made me laugh.

Lastly the good night texts had either snippets of his day that made him think of me or anecdotes of the good times. He would typically ended with something like 'so how was your day? I hope it was better than yesterday and every minute was better than the last. And if it wasn't hopefully you'll find a better reality in your dreams than this one. Good night.'

I almost freaked out, at first, by his uncanny sense of impeccable timing, with good morning texts arriving just as I wake up and good night texts as I was climbing into bed. In addition to texts he called daily, leave messages in my voicemail that he'd grouped into episodes with miscellaneous themes aiming to make me laugh. It made missing him a bit worse because one of my 'best friends' was gone and my boyfriend made me not want to be on break anymore.

In the beginning I considered the sincerity of his distress when everything happened but after talking to Skylar I'd gotten frustrated with myself for sympathizing with him. Although there had been a number of things that I could carp about there were some things that I did miss and it was hard not having him around. Before my talk with Jason, I'd find myself focusing on how things could've been better. Now when I think about it I wonder if it's truly worth staying away. I couldn't single out any one instance that I could say this is what made me lose all faith in you and this is what ruined our relationship, because it'd been an accumulation of things. Separately I would have brushed them off and eventually moved on.

So could I get over his past mistakes? Yes. Was I doing the right thing for right now? I wasn't sure. I was hesitant to talk to him and find out. If I saw him I couldn't predict what my reaction would be but by that reaction I'd know what was. Although I knew I should call him what would I say? I hadn't called back because I didn't know how to verbalize my thoughts exactly.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror,