Agent to the Stars by John Scalzi (read me like a book .TXT) 📕

normal conversation, reverberated through the set like the aftershock of a particularly nasty quake. From the corners and the rafters, members of the crew glared down at her. Something was telling me this was not going to be a frictionless set.

“Shouldn’t someone come and pick this up?” I asked.

“Hell, no,” Barbara said. “It’s staying where it is until the Union president gets here. I want him to see what sort of job his IDIOT UNION BROOM PUSHERS” — once again Barbara pitched her voice to the cheap seats — “have been doing around here. No one here is going to do a DAMN THING until he gets here.”

That much was true. There were forty people on the set, mostly crew, ambling around aimlessly. The cast seemed to be missing, with the exception of Chuck White, who played Rashaad Creek’s best friend on the show. Chuck was working out on one of the set decorations.

“How long have you been waiting?” I asked.

“Six long, unproductive hours,” Barbara said. “And I’m going to keep waiting, and everyone here is going to keep waiting, until the Union president gets here. Anyone who leaves before he gets here is fired, UNION OR NOT.”

Directly behind Barbara, one of the cameramen gave her the finger.

“But I didn’t ask you here to talk about the lights, Tom,” Barbara said, strolling over to the audience seats. “I want to talk to you about the future of Rashaad’s representation.”

I followed Barbara. “Has there been a problem, Barbara?” I asked.

Barbara took a seat on a bleacher. “Not as such, Tom — here, sit down a minute,” she patted the seat next to her, “but I have to tell you, I’m hearing some very disturbing things.”

I took a seat. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with that article in The Biz,” I said.

“It might,” Barbara said. “You know, that reporter Van Doren gave Rashaad and me a call. Asked us if we’ve been noticing if you’ve been acting strangely lately. And then he told us that you had dropped so many of your clients. As you might imagine, we found this very disturbing. I found it very disturbing.”

“Barbara,” I said, “you really have nothing to worry about. Yes, I transitioned a number of my less-important clients, but I certainly have no intention of doing that with Rashaad. He’s on his way up, and I intend to keep him going there.”

“Tom,” Barbara said, “are you on drugs?”

“Excuse me?”

“Are you on drugs,” she repeated. “That reporter mentioned something about a health spa and sulfur treatments. To my ear, that sounds like detox. You know how I feel about those drugs. I won’t have them anywhere near my boy. You know I had everyone here on the set take a urine test before they could work here. If they had the slightest hint of anything in their system, they’re gone.”

After Workin’ Out! was greenlighted, Rashaad threw a little party for himself and 30 of his most geographically immediate friends at the Four Seasons hotel in Beverly Hills. One of Rashaad’s “pals” arrived with more cocaine than was in the final scene of Scarface. But then, Rashaad wasn’t the one having to pee in a cup.

“I’m clean, Barbara,” I said. “The last time I smoked anything illegal was my junior year in college. You don’t have to worry about it.”

“Then what is wrong, Tom? I —” she stopped as someone approached us. It was the assistant producer of the show. “What do you want, Jay?” she asked.

“Barbara, we really have to get a move on. Another forty-five minutes and we have to start paying overtime. And we still haven’t shot half of the episode. We’re going to be here all night if we don’t start now.”

“Then we’ll be here all night,” she said. “Nothing’s happening until that damned Union man gets his lazy ass over from Burbank.”

“Barbara, we have to get this show in the can. We’re already two days behind schedule.”

“I don’t give a damn about the schedule,” Barbara said, building up a head of steam. “What I give a DAMN about is that my son’s show is being held hostage by MORONS WHO CAN’T SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB. And if these boys think they’re getting overtime, they are seriously mistaken, Jay. It’s their fault we had to stop. If anything, at this point, they ought to pay me.”

Jay the assistant producer threw up his hands. “You’re the boss, Barbara.”

“That’s RIGHT,” Barbara said, looking around. “I AM the BOSS. You’d all do VERY VERY WELL to remember who’s signing your DAMN PAYCHECKS. Now leave me alone, Jay, I’ve got to talk business.”

Jay split. Barbara turned back to me. “Do you see what I have to put up with around here? Now I know why Roseanne was so hard on her crew. You have to be. These folks are nothing but a bunch of lazy assed slackers. Do you know, that light almost killed me. Another two feet and it would have landed right on my head.”

I strongly began to suspect it wasn’t an accident.

“Now, enough about this,” she said. “What’s your problem, Tom? Something’s up with you, and it has us worried. How can you be my son’s agent if you’re falling apart over there?”

“I’m not falling apart, Barbara,” I said. “The Biz piece had nothing to it. Everything is fine. Really.”

“Is it?” Barbara said. “I wonder. I’ve been thinking about where my son is at, and I truly wonder if this is where he should be at this juncture of his career.”

“Well, hell, Barbara,” I said, “He’s got his own show on a national network. I say that’s pretty good for a 23-year old.”

“At 23, Eddie Murphy had made 48 Hours, Trading Places and Beverly Hills Cop,” Barbara said. “and his show was on a real network.”

“Not everyone can have Eddie Murphy’s career,” I said.

“See, this is what I’m worried about,” Barbara said. “I think Rashaad can have Eddie’s career. You think he can’t.”

“I didn’t say that,” I said. “But now that you mention it, I don’t want Rashaad to have Eddie Murphy’s career. It includes Harlem Nights and A Vampire in Brooklyn, too, you know.”

“But this is all academic, isn’t it?” Barbara said. “Because the fact is, Rashaad’s not even in film at all. All he has for himself is one little show on one little network.”

I started to reply, but there was a rap on the railing. We both turned to see Rashaad, in a hooded sweatshirt, surrounded by his lackeys. Someone had apparently forgotten to tell Rashaad that gangsta went out when Notorious BIG got perforated in Los Angeles.

“Say, yo, ma,” Rashaad said. “the boys and I are going to get something to eat. You want we should, you know, bring you something or something?”

Rashaad finished in the top fifth of his private boarding school, with a verbal SAT of 650. He majored in English at University of California, Berkeley, before dropping out in his second year to become a standup comedian. Back then, his name was Paul.

“Rashaad, honey, where are your manners,” Barbara said. “Say hello to Tom.”

“Hey, yo, Tom,” Rashaad said. “What’s the word?”

“The word is ‘abrogate,’ Rashaad.” This was an inside joke between us, my reminder to him that I remembered his GPA. He’d ask me what the word is, and I’d give him the most obscure one I could think of at the moment. Then he’d give me the definition back in street talk.

Except this time he looked surprised and shot his mother a quick look. Barbara gave him an almost imperceptible slightest shake of her head. He turned back to me. “Good to see you, Tom. I’ll catch you later.” He and his stooges slunk out, followed enviously by the eyes of the trapped crew. I watched him until he slipped out of the studio.

“So, Barbara,” I said. “Who did you get to replace me?”

“What?” Barbara said.

“After you decided that you were going to can me,” I said. “You must have had someone in mind to get your son’s career into high gear. I can’t imagine you’d fire me without having someone else already lined up.”

“I didn’t say you were fired, Tom,” Barbara said.

“‘Abrogate — to annul, or repeal,’” I said. “Your son knows what it means, of course. That’s why he looked so surprised when I used it. It’s sort of funny, because I didn’t use it to mean anything — it was just the first word that came into my head. But his reaction says to me that you didn’t really call me over here to express your concerns about your son’s career. You had me come over here to fire me. Right?”

“I’m looking out for the best interests of my son,” Barbara said. “I don’t know what it is you’re going through at the moment, Tom, but you need to work out those issues, and my son can’t wait for you to do that.”

“Really?” I said. “Did you actually ask Rashaad if he wanted to drop me? Or did you just tell him after the fact? For that matter, did you ask him if he wanted to wait for the Union boss, or if he wanted to just get someone to sweep up with a broom? It is his show, after all.”

Barbara bristled. “I’m the producer. And I’m his manager. These things are my job — to look after this show and to look after him. I don’t make any apologies for that, Tom, not to you or to anybody.”

“One day, you might have to make an apology to him, Barbara. But I bet you didn’t think about it that way.”

Barbara glared at me but said nothing.

“So,” I said, “who did you get to replace me?”

“David Nolan at ACR.”

“He’s not bad,” I said.

“I know that, Tom.” Barbara said. She got up and walked back towards the set. She began yelling at the assistant producer before she even got off the bleachers.

I sat there for a few moments, watching her go. One of the crew came over.

“Hi,” he said. “You wouldn’t have been talking to her about when we could leave, right?”

“Nope, sorry,” I said. “I just came to get fired.”

“Wow,” he said. “Some guys have all the luck.” He started off.

“Hey,” I said. The guy turned. “Next time, don’t miss.”

He grinned, gave me a salute, and went backstage.

*****

The next day, on the way to the Pacific Rim set, I got a phone call on my cellular. It was Joshua.

“Ralph and I are going on a hike,” he said. “Ralph smells something interesting out back of your house, and I’m worried about him if he goes alone. He’s pretty old.”

“Joshua,” I said, “Think about what you’re saying, here. If Ralph has a little doggie stroke, it’s not like you’re going to be able to rush to the nearest street and flag down a passing motorist. Why don’t you guys wait until I get home? Then we can all go together.”

“Because I’m bored, and so is Ralph, and you’re no fun anymore,” Joshua said. “Ever since that article came out. It’s like living with a cardboard cutout of a formerly interesting person. Remember the good old days, when we’d have fun? It was just three days ago. Boy, those were times. Let me tell you.”

“I’m sorry, Joshua,” I said. “But I need these guys.”

“Tom, I respect and admire you greatly, but I think you may have your priorities slightly out of order,” Joshua said. “You’re representing an entire alien culture. I think you shouldn’t sweat the occasional television actor.”

I pulled into the set and waved at the security guard, who let me through. “Thanks