Agent to the Stars by John Scalzi (read me like a book .TXT) 📕

Joshua. It’s you.”

“Not quite accurate,” Joshua said. “All of Ralph’s memories and feelings are still here. I distinctly remember being a dog and doing doggie things.”

“But you’re not Ralph,” I said.

“No,” Joshua admitted. “But on the other hand, Ralph didn’t die. His personality just…melded into mine. From Ralph’s point of view, he suddenly became a lot more intelligent. He’s the dog with the 180 IQ. On my end, I now know the world from a dog’s eye point of view. I, being Joshua, am obviously going to be dominant. But don’t be surprised when I do something that reminds you of Ralph. It’s all here, in one big package. Which is why I said, ‘Ralphua.’”

“What did Ralph think of this, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“He was good with it,” Joshua said. “Though not in any way you’d understand. I basically let him know not to worry, and he basically let me know that he trusted me. Then he and I became we. Which then became me. And I’m pleased to be alive, so there you have it.”

I leaned back in my chair. “This is making my head hurt.”

“Have some more aspirin,” Joshua suggested.

I looked back down at Joshua. He sat there like a typical retriever. “What did you do with your old body?” I asked. “Did you leave it up there on the hillside? Do we need to go find it and bury it or something?”

“Nope,” Joshua said. “It’s in here. Timesharing, as it were. Right now my old body is in Ralph’s digestive system and in his blood vessels. He’s not eating anything that I’m not eating, obviously, and my cells are doing the role of blood, transferring oxygen to his cells. See, look at my tongue,” Joshua’s doggie tongue rolled out, an albino sort of pink, “not nearly as red as it used to be. Anyway, this is only short term solution.— controlling two bodies is a lot of work, even when I have my old body more or less on autopilot.”

“What’s the long term solution?”

“Well, eventually my cells will take the place of all his cells,” Joshua said. “It’s more efficient, especially since I won’t have all these damned specialized organs to deal with. The only thing I’ll need to be concerned with is maintaining my shape and appearance, which won’t be that difficult. It’ll take about a week.”

“What happens to the old cells?” I asked.

“I digest them.”

“Oh, man,” I said. “You are eating him.”

“Tom,” Joshua said. “It’s not nearly as gross as you think. And anyway, it needs to be done — I can’t keep controlling both bodies, and my Yherajk body is more flexible.”

“And none of this,” — I waved my hands — “conflicts with your ‘don’t take over other life forms’ thinking.”

“Hmmmm, well,” Joshua said. “It’s a borderline case. The limitation is ‘sentient life forms’. We could argue whether or not Ralph, character though he was, truly qualified as sentient. Now, I think he was — a low-grade variety, you know, but that’s a matter of degree, not of kind. But I also feel that he gave me consent. Sort of. It’s something that could be argued. But I don’t feel wrong for having done it. Besides, I like being a dog. I marked every tree on the way here, you know. It’s all my territory now.”

“Good thing my cat’s not still alive,” I said “I think you and he may have had words about that.”

“Hey, that reminds me,” Joshua said. “Was your cat a striped tabby?”

“He was,” I said. “Orange. Big.”

“Don’t know about the orange part, but I’ve got a memory of chasing a big tabby down the road a couple of years back and seeing it get squashed by a big truck.” Joshua squinted, which is a funny look on a dog. “A Ford Explorer, it looks like.”

“Great. Ralph is a cat murderer. Just what I needed.”

“He was just playing around with the cat, Tom,” Joshua said. “He felt really guilty about it afterwards.”

I slapped my hands on my legs and stood up. “On that note, I’m going to get another beer. I think I could use it.”

“Could you bring me another one, too?” Joshua asked. “Can’t open one myself, you know.”

“Now wait a minute,” I said. “If you can’t make tendrils anymore, how did you make the call earlier today?”

“The cel phone has a ‘redial’ button, Tom. And believe me, it was a pain in the ass to try to hit it.”

“Where is the cel phone?” I asked.

“Uh….” Joshua hung his head. “I left it out on the hillside. Sorry. I didn’t want to have to carry it in my mouth for two miles.”

“Joshua, you’re a retriever,” I said. “That’s what you do.”

“That’s what I did,” Joshua said. “I’m in another line of work now.”

*****

The next morning, Joshua and I visited Carl.

“Well, isn’t that just the most adorable puppy!” Carl’s assistant Marcella said, leaning over her desk to look at Joshua.

“Only on the outside,” I said.

“Why, Tom, what a terrible thing to say,” Marcella said. “You know that dogs can pick up on what you’re saying about them.”

“I have no doubt whatsoever about that,” I said. “Is Carl in? I’d like to speak to him, if he has a moment.”

“He’s in,” Marcella said. “Let me see if he can see you.” She motioned us over to the waiting area. As we sat, Joshua put his paw on my foot, our signal for when he had something he wanted to say to me. I leaned down, very close to his mouth. “What?” I whispered.

“I just want you to know, I’m having a rough time of things at the moment,” Joshua said, his voice barely above a whisper itself. “My dog nature is getting the best of me.”

“What do you mean?” I said.

“I mean I have this incredible urge to stick my nose in every crotch that goes by,” Joshua said. “It’s driving me insane.”

“Try to control yourself,” I said. “After this meeting I’ll take you to the park and you can sniff some other dogs’ butts. Good enough?”

“You’re mocking me, aren’t you,” Joshua said.

“Maybe,” I said.

“Tom?” Marcella looked over to us. “Carl will see you now.” She crinkled a smile and wiggled her fingers at Joshua. Joshua surged, as if to make a beeline for her lap. I held him by his collar and dragged him into Carl’s office. Carl was at his desk, glancing at a Hollywood Reporter. He set it down as I closed the door.

“Tom,” Carl said, and then glanced down at Joshua. “Is this Joshua’s friend?”

“Not exactly,” I said, and turned to Joshua. “Say hello, Joshua.”

“Hello, Joshua,” Joshua said.

Carl was momentarily startled but recovered quite a bit quicker than I did. “Cute,” he finally said.

“Thanks. I love that joke,” Joshua said.

“Would one of you mind telling me how Joshua got in there?” Carl said.

“His dog friend was old and had a heart attack, and Joshua decided to inhabit the body,” I said.

“I’ve also melded with the dog’s personality,” Joshua said.

Carl furrowed his brow. “You mean your personality is part dog?”

“If you throw a stick, will I not fetch?” Joshua intoned. “If you scratch my backside, will I not jerk my leg? if you show me a cat, will I not chase? Sorry, Tom.”

“It’s all right,” I said.

“Tom, “Carl said, “I’m hoping this isn’t your idea of how to bring our peoples together. Joshua appears happy to be a dog, but I don’t think that’s the form that we want the Yherajk to take for their grand debut.”

“Believe me, it’s not,” I said. “But I think letting him be a dog for a while has some interesting aspects.”

“Explain,” Carl said.

“Well, for one thing, it finally allows him to interact with humans besides you and me,” I said. “I can take him places now. He’s not going to get the full human experience, to be sure, but he’s going to see more of the place than he would trapped in my house all the time. And maybe the interaction will give us some ideas to go on for how we finally do introduce the Yherajk.”

“Joshua?” Carl said.

“Being a dog isn’t optimal for observation,” Joshua said. “But it’s better than what I was doing, which was watching cable television and going into online chat rooms. And I’m having fun. I am the Alpha Dog of the Universe. It doesn’t get much better than that.”

Carl turned his attention back to me. “What is your plan?”

“I don’t have one at the moment,” I said. “I thought I’d just take him places and let him look around. You know, be a professional dog walker for a while.”

“He’s good at it,” Joshua volunteered, “and he needs the exercise.”

“Quiet, you,” Carl said to Joshua. Joshua immediately looked like a dog who knows he’s taken a dump in the wrong place in the house. I never would have told Joshua to be quiet. But then, I’m not his dad.

“I can’t have you wandering around with a dog,” Carl said. “That Van Doren character is still floating around out there. We have to keep you busy.” Carl thought for a few moments, then turned back to Joshua.

“Can you act?” Carl asked Joshua.

“I’m pretending to be a dog, aren’t I?” Joshua said.

Carl buzzed Marcella. “Get me Albert Bowen, if you please, Marcella,” he said, and clicked her off. He turned to me. “You have anything going on in the next few days?”

“Not really. I got Michelle Beck a reading for Hard Memories, but that’s not until next week. Amanda’s handling all the rest of my clients. I’m free,” I said.

“Good,” Carl said. “Albert Bowen and I went to college together. He’s a vet and a trainer, and handles animal casting for commercials and television. Let’s see what we can do with this.”

Marcella’s came over the speakerphone. “Albert Bowen holding for Carl Lupo,” she said, and clicked off.

“Hey, Al,” Carl said.

“Wolfman!” Bowen said on the other end. Carl twitched slightly at the nickname. College familiarity was probably the only reason Carl let him get away with it. “Haven’t heard from you in a while, my friend. What can I do for you?”

“I got an interesting potential client, Al,” Carl said. “Animal trainer from the Yukon Territory. Trains dogs. One of my agents did a trek up the Pacific coastline about a year ago and found this guy doing a show outside of Whitehorse. Smartest damned dogs you ever saw. The agent managed to convince the guy to ship one of the dogs down for a week, to see if they might have a future in commercials and films. I think they might, and if it works out, we’re going to represent the trainer.”

“The trainer shipped one of the dogs?” Bowen said. “He didn’t come down himself?”

“Said he didn’t need to. Sent the agent a manual with hand signs. Said that’s all he’d need, the dog would understand. I told you these were smart dogs, Al.”

“Hmmph. I’ll have to see it before I believe it,” Bowen said.

“Well, Al, that’s my plan. I’m going to send the agent over with the dog. The agent’s name is Tom Stein, and the dog’s name is Joshua. You want to give the dog a looksee and tell me what you think? And if you can use him in any commercials over the next week or so, that’d be good with us. The trainer has given us free rein for this week only.”

“Who is this guy?” Bowen said.

“Not going to say, Al,” Carl said. “Company secret until we have a deal signed. But