Agent to the Stars by John Scalzi (read me like a book .TXT) 📕

said, as I closed the door behind us. “Though you shouldn’t be so rough on Ben. He’s sort of sweet, in his own lecherous, oafish way.”

“Nonsense,” I said. “I’m not going to let him get away with anything I’m not allowed to get away with.”

“But Tom,” Miranda said. “you’re neither lecherous nor oafish. “

“Thanks, Miranda,” I said, and leaned against my desk. “I’ll put that on my gravestone. ‘Here lies Thomas Stein. He was neither lecherous nor oafish.’”

“Enough chitchat,” Miranda said. “Do you still have a job, or are you just putting on a brave face for your devoted staff?”

“Miranda, did anyone pay attention to where we were going when we went to the meeting?”

Miranda sat in the chair in front of my desk and thought for a moment. “Not that I could tell. You nodded to Drew Roberts as we walked past him, but don’t think he noticed. You’re a junior agent. You don’t rate a nod back.”

“Good,” I said. “Did anyone ask where I was?”

“In the office? No. Michelle called again,” Miranda crossed her eyes slightly at the word Michelle, indicating in her own subtle way that she believed Michelle to be less intelligent than the average protozoan, “but I just told her you were in a meeting. Other than that, my attention was monopolized by Ben, who loathes you and would not ask about you even if he could get a promotion out of it. Why?”

“If anyone asks, I was just out to get a bagel, okay?”

“You’re killing me,” Miranda said. “I don’t normally threaten my bosses, but if you don’t tell me what happened in there, I may have to hurt you.”

“I can’t, Miranda. You know if I could tell anyone, I could tell you.” I gave her my best I’mutterly-helpless look. “I just can’t. Just trust me for now, please, and just forget that meeting ever took place?”

Miranda looked at me for a minute. “Okay, Tom,” she said, finally. “But if we’re not going to talk about the meeting that didn’t take place, why did you call me in here?”

“I need you to get my files on everyone I represent. Also, give me the names of the latest agents up from the mailroom, and their client lists, if you can.”

Miranda jotted on her notepad. “All right,” she said. “Anything in particular I should look for in the new agents?”

“I want someone who is so new that he still could do his mail route with his eyes closed. Someone who doesn’t know anything. Me, about three years ago.”

“Young and naive. Got it, Tom. Actually, I know just the person.”

“Great. Give me about an hour with my files and then have them come for a visit.”

“Fine. Anything else?”

“Yes. I’m going to need one of those watercooler bottles. And a dolly.”

Miranda looked up from her notepad. “A watercooler bottle?”

“Yeah. One of those Arrowhead Water bottles. The five gallon ones.”

“And a dolly.”

“If you can find one. They have them in the mailroom, I think. You can have the new agent retrieve it.”

I could see Miranda debating with herself whether or not she wanted to ask what the water bottle was for. She finally decided against it. What a pro. “Do you want the water bottle empty or full?”

“Doesn’t matter,” I said.

“It does to me,” she said. “I have to lug the damn thing to your office.”

“Empty, please.”

She stopped writing. “Okay,” she said. “You’ll have your files in just a minute.” She stood up and walked over the two steps to where I was. I stopped leaning on the desk and stood up. “Tom,” she said, “You can trust me; I’ll never speak of that meeting in front of anyone. But whatever happened in that meeting, congratulations.” She reached over and tousled my hair. It was an old-fashioned and matronly move from someone who was my assistant, and a year younger than I was. It made me grin like an idiot.

*****

Miranda dropped the files on my desk. It was now time to play everybody’s favorite game: Ditch the clients.

“This thing is going to take up all of your time from now on,” Carl had warned, right after I had signed up for the ride. “You’re going to have to formulate a plan and execute it. You’re going to have to be an aide to Joshua, as well. Which reminds me: he needs to stay at your place.”

“What?” I said. Visions of slug slime coating my upholstery leapt, unbidden, into my mind.

“Tom,” Joshua said, “it’s not exactly an easy commute between here and the ship.”

“We can work out the details later,” Carl said, getting back on track. “But what you need to do now, Tom, is go through your client list and as quietly as possible, offload as many as you can. Joshua is your full-time job now.”

I stared at the files and had a weird tingling in my head. On one hand, this was an agent’s dream — get rid of the truly annoying clients! Cut the dead weight! Unload the ballast! Every agent who was not running an agency had clients they’d rather be without — and here I was being told to eject them. On the other hand, as an agent, you’re only as good as your client list. Better bad clients than none at all. I was understanding intellectually that my new “client” was an opportunity that comes along — well, that’s never come along before, now that I thought of it. Emotionally, however, it still felt like I was taking the ascending 747 that was my agentorial career and aiming it into the Pacific, while all the passengers, my clients, were screaming in the coach seats, their little emergency plastic airmasks waving in the turbulence.

Enough thinking, I decided. I grabbed the first file.

Tony Baltz. Gone. He was on his way down anyway, since he was too proud to take the roles that had made him famous in the first place.

Rashaad Creek. Keep. I could work through his mother, who was doing most of the heavy lifting in that partnership, anyway. The unsettling Oedipal overtones to Rashaad’s situation had always disturbed me, but now I could finally use them to my advantage.

Elliot Young. Keep. Elliot, bless his heart, was not the brightest of studs. I could sit down with him one afternoon and convince him that by buckling down on the series for a season, it would make the transition to films much more profitable in the long run. Who, knows, it might even be the truth.

Tea Reader. Gone. Thank the Lord almighty.

Michelle Beck. Keep. Of course. Michelle Beck was my cover: when a client can rake in twelve million per film, an agent can’t be faulted for wanting to spend more time concentrating on that client. Also, flying under the radar or not, dropping Michelle after today’s paycheck would be noticed by someone. Michelle and I were bound together for life, or until she pulled a hissy fit and got new representation. If I didn’t have her, I would be, as my father liked to say, walking through a thick shag carpet of shit. The ambivalence I felt about this fact was staggering in its depth.

The undercard folks were all toast. It didn’t really matter who agented them, anyway.

I was finishing up my client triage when Miranda buzzed me. “Mr. Stein,” she said. I could count the times she called me Mr. Stein on one hand, without having to use my thumb or index finger. “Amanda Hewson is here.”

“Accompany her in, please, Ms. Escalon,” I called Miranda Ms. Escalon even less than she called me Mr. Stein.

Miranda walked in, followed by a gawky blonde who looked like she wasn’t old enough to see “R”-rated films without accompaniment. Amanda Hewson had graduated from the mailroom just over a month before. Her two clients were a former Mexican soap opera star who wanted to make it big in Hollywood, but didn’t want to learn the English language, and an actor who administered first aid to her after she fainted on mile 4 of the LA Marathon. She represented him, apparently, largely out of gratitude.

She was perfect.

“Amanda,” I said, motioning to the chair in front of my desk. “Please sit down.” She did. I regarded her the same way Carl regarded me earlier today. It’s fair; the distance, careerwise, was not dissimilar.

Amanda was looking around. “Nice office,” she said.

My office is a dump.

“It is, isn’t it?” I said. “Amanda, do you know why I asked you here?”

“Not really,” Amanda confessed. “Ms. Escalon ” — Unseen by Amanda, Miranda crossed her eyes; she didn’t appear to cotton to all this formalness — “said that it was important but didn’t say what it was.”

I did some more regarding. It was making Amanda nervous, she looked behind her briefly to see if I was actually looking at something behind her, then turned back, tittered nervously. Her hands, restless in her lap, spasmed lightly.

I looked at Miranda. “You think she’s the one?” I asked.

Now it was Miranda’s turn to regard Amanda. I have to admit, she did a much scarier regarding. Amanda looked about to wet her pants. “I think so,” Miranda said. “At least, she’s much better than the other possibles.”

I had no idea what Miranda was talking about. Then again, she didn’t know what I was talking about either. We were making this up as we went along.

“So, Amanda,” I said. “Where’d you go to school?”

“UCLA,” she said. “In Westwood,” she added. After she said that I could see the thought travel through her head: Moron! We’re in LA! He KNOWS where UCLA is! God! I’m an idiot! Panic can be truly endearing when it’s done right.

“Really,” I said. “I’m a Bruin myself. How’s the high-speed life of an agent treating you these days?”

“Well, really well,” she said, with obvious fervor. “I mean, I’m just getting started, so it’s a little rough. I think it’ll be a few more months before I really get my legs.” She smiled brightly. She was so new that she didn’t realize that admitting weakness was a mortal sin among agents. I wondered how she got past the screening process. Beside me, I could feel waves of pity emanate from Miranda. Now I knew why she had suggested Amanda — she was trying to keep this clearly non-cynical young woman from having the stuffing kicked out of her by her more vicious compatriots.

“Well, I hope your legs are ready now, Amanda,” I said. “The officers of this corporation” — I always thought that phrase sounded dramatic, and I was right — “have instructed me to inaugurate a pilot mentor project for our newest agents, a sort of helping hand to get them up to speed more quickly. Now, I have to emphasize that this is just a pilot program, and highly experimental. In fact, it’s a secret —”

Amanda’s eyes actually widened. If I were just ten percent less jaded, I think I might have fallen in love.

” — so you’ll have to keep it that way. It’s officially unofficial. Understand?”

“Sure, Mr. Stein.”

“Call me Tom,” I said. “Amanda, what do you think of Tea Reader?”

Her eyes got even wider. Make that five percent less jaded.

Two hours and a Starbucks latte each later, the Officially Unofficial Mentor Project was underway. Under my “supervision,” Amanda would take over the day-to-day representation needs of Tea Reader, Tony Baltz, and my undercard clients. For the first month, Amanda would make detailed weekly reports on “our” clients, which I would read and comment on. That would decrease to twice monthly the second month, and monthly thereafter. During this time, any money made from representing these clients