AFTER THE RAIN by Luna Veluti (ebook reader for surface pro txt) 📕

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After the Rain By Luna Veluti
 
Never in her entire life had she so powerfully sensed that she was about to meet her destiny. Firm belief and wishful thinking had gotten her pretty close a couple of times - only to prove themselves hopelessly wrong;    But, this - this had to be it.  It didn't just give off some kind of aura or strike up that inner spark; it infused her whole being, melting on her tongue, whispering her name, wafting up her nose, tingling on her fingertips. Fingertips.  She checked the stove-top one more time, cautiously feeling the elements and then, after a count of three, tugged on the dials to make sure they were really off. Now, focus: they really do say OFF.  She hated that last part because it meant that she didn't do it quite right and would have to do it again at least twice more. But today, if she got bogged down, she was going to run late and really couldn't; so she just closed her eyes tight and put her hands square on the elements. No heat. "OK I HAVE to go.." 
 
She didn't know whether it was excitement or anxiety that was making her sweat like this. Not that it really ever made a difference. She never could tell one from the other.  What made a difference to her right now was whether it was going to ruin her immaculate face.  She had spent a good hour trying to look not too excited and not too anxious.  Shadow here, blush there, gloss this over. Just so.  Her two year old son had perched himself on the toilet to better aim his curious stare at her every step of the way.  Something extraordinary must be happening, he must have thought. And there was.  He had never seen his mother do so much for herself, or to herself. Now, it seemed, all that work was going to go to waste if she didn't calm down. She put Casey in his car seat, forcing herself through a quick version of the one-tug-two-tug-three-tug of the buckles, closed the passenger door and lit up a cigarette.  
 
She'd met him while she was married to Casey's dad, Len.  Len was a travelling salesman and was away a lot of the time; but that is not why she had had the affair.  She wasn't like that at all. She liked, even cherished the idea of being faithful especially through the tough parts.  No, she hadn't done it out of boredom, or out of lust, or even out of resentment. She had done it because it was the only way she knew how she might somehow get him back.  Back for what he had done to her.  For all that he had done to her.  She hadn't had their son yet, so all his rage, all his damage, had a pretty nasty and regular habit of unloading on her alone.  That, she had gotten used to over the years; she had even come to find a perverse sense of accomplishment in it, like she was serving the vital, and very wifely, she thought, role of being the gauze that cleaned out his wounds.  But this had been the last straw.  She had begged and begged him, for the last few months especially, to have a night out - you know, like dinner and a movie, or just going out for drinks or something - and he had either flat out refused, or made some poor excuse for an excuse about money being tight, or not feeling well, or maybe just not wanting to take her out until she put some meat on her bones.  Now, he told her, he was going to go down to Vegas with the guys for a few nights to get away from "all the crap at home" and maybe get lucky too.   He had made sure that the way that last bit came out left it open to interpretation. OUtrage. Forked Tongue Devil. Just a f***ing movie. Beelzebub. A cocktail of boiling blood and chopped word salad went surging up and through her aching brain and made it swell like a balloon on the verge of pop.  What would normally take every ounce of her courage to spit out, she now unstoppably spewed right out.  All her objections, all her hurts, all her neglected, dismissed, or worse, counter-met needs, came rumbling and crashing out of her tiny soul. Crash. He always won. Look at you. You think I wanna be seen with you out in public? Why don't you eat something? You're a fucking skeleton. And a lazy one at that. LAZY - BONES. That's you in the dictionary. Why don't you put all that piss and vinegar into cleaning the house once in while maybe, huh? Screw this. I gotta ride to catch. See ya -- you fucking psycho.  That was her, fucking psycho, the only stain on the spotless floor.
 
HIM. Chris. She could recall her first impressions of him as someone she could maybe befriend.  He seemed kind and safe.  She wasn't particularly attracted to him. Not in that way. But there was something about him that drew her to him. Intensely.  They had met quite by chance, at the local library, where she had offered to help him find his contact lens after watching him search in desperate blindness.  I have extremely sharp vision -- just for finding little things on the floor, though -- otherwise I am blind as a bat..too.. like coke-bottle glasses...she'd gone on rather awkwardly, blushing like a crushing kid sister.  He had chatted back charmingly - despite the more pressing matter of quickly finding the missing, fast-shrinking sight-saver - wearing a warm sincere smile through the whole exchange and oozing something wholly like sainthood out of the depth of his eyes.  That alone had made her feel the need to know him better.  She had waited for them to have just a few more casual encounters of the same kind, meanwhile trying not to too much rehearse her approach, and then she had asked him if they might have some coffee together sometime. Maybe she could give him the name of her optician. Hard to find an honest optician.  Hard to find honesty. He'd agreed. And for the next few months of what had started as a true, wonderful friendship, it was Chris' honesty that struck her most, time and time again; and it was that that finally carried her into his inevitably wholesome bed. 
 
By the time she finished her cigarette, she could feel the full tonic effect of sweet memory on her chopped nerves.  She checked Casey's buckles again and got herself into the driver's seat flipping down the vanity mirror.  Her make-up was still pretty much intact and her hair hadn't frizzed out. She didn't look all that different, she thought.  A little older to be sure; that was alright though. What she didn't really like was how the chemo had taken the brightness out of her eyes and the warmth from her skin tone. She reminded herself that she was not ugly. The one who called you ugly was ugly; you're not ugly.  And with that little mantra she was off.  She couldn't wait to see Chris again after nearly ten years.  He had sounded really excited on the phone too.  He said he couldn't believe that it was actually her calling, out of nowhere, all of a sudden, after all this time.  He said that he was making TV commercials for some big outfit in the city and that he was the single dad of a little boy too.  Wow, really, that's amazing;  what's his name?  Casey... Casey Rayne.  For a moment, when she first heard that, she had thought, somebody, somehow must be playing some kind of weird joke on her.  How, on God's green earth, could Chris' son possibly have the exact first and second name as HER son?  She literally could not believe the ears on her spinning head. That's impossible...I mean...that's so weird..really?.. that's MY son's name. I mean both names...Casey Rayne...What??? are you serious??... And so on. What may have seemed like a extraordinary, even strange, coincidence to some, had struck her as nothing less than her undeniable arrival at destiny's doorstep. She wanted to run, tackle, let it swallow her whole.  This time she would not make the same mistake. This time, she would never let him go. 
 
 
She greedily reaches for her coffee cup before the switchboard lights up again.  The little gulp does its wonders smoldering down her throat and jolting every cell awake along the way. All morning it's been going crazy up front and, of course, as her luck would have it, it's also been the kind of morning where the sugar goes in the ashtray and the ashes go in the cup.  Shouldn't have stayed up so late last night, she keeps scolding herself every time she screws up some little detail that would normally take her no thought at all.  But then a warm glow takes over from the guilt as she thinks of the fullness of every moment with Chris that has added up to this sleep deficit; and then she feels no lack - of any thing.  She feels the inquisitive stare of a passing co-worker and takes the full grin down a notch.  Besides, the phones are going ape again.  The calls are coming in about twenty at a time; and while she usually relishes the robotic focus it takes to tames this chaos, today she is seriously sweating it.  The next time she comes up for air, she can't believe her eyes.  Right in front of her, an apparition of torturous confusion.  What are you doing here, Len? She says in distinct syllables parched from the struggle up the back of her clenching throat. Len flashes a brilliant smile. One of those ones that she really really likes.  They start up slow from pursed lips that are somehow already smiling and speed up to a full million as the perfect lips gild the perfect frame for the perfect teeth.  Irresistible.  She can't hear what he's saying with his mouth; he has a talent for making her read from his eyes.  He just wants to talk to her. The flowers are for the birthday he just missed.  A dozen roses. She doesn't like roses; she likes daisies; but it doesn't matter. He never remembers and they are still so beautiful.  She meets him after work, which doesn't last very long because she keeps screwing up even worse than before he showed up. She leaves behind palimpsests of spilt coffee, broken china, smeared rouge and shaken resolve. 
 
Chris? Len is back.  Yes, Len.  I mean he's come back from Vegas.  I know he took off on me for six months.  No I am not with him right now.  I am at the public phone..outside our... my place.  Yes, he's at my place.  No, I am.. I .. I don't know, Chris. I have to think.  I am just calling because I felt like I had to tell you right away. Give me some time to think. I don't know what I am thinking.  It keeps running on a loop through her head, the prologue to the biggest mistake of her life, she is sure.  Her mind has lost the will to traverse the plot line of the seven more years spent with Len.  All she recalls now are just feelings, of misery, fear, disgust,