am i worthy of love? by bloodyraven (books to read in your 30s TXT) 📕

i stand here, staring at the many trees surrounding me. the darkness of the night creeps over the land and engulfs it in a eerie fog. stars twinkle in the sky above me. the moonlight glistens off the dew on the dead, grey grass. inching foward slowly with each step i take. bobing and weaving through the tangle of tall oaks. i stare up at the heavens, wondering why is life so cruel. even with a map i'd be lost. no GPS could ever navigate me to happiness and bliss. my heart aches, my soul longing for the sweet rush of love. that blood pumping, heart stopping, breath taking feeling of being loved by someone. it seems as if im doomed to wonder helplessly through the darkness, begging for mercy. if there is a god please i beg you. hear my pleads. stop the pain. stop the anger and depression. dry my tears and recictate my heart from the deadly slumber its been trapped in for years. show me how to feel. how to love. i've overdosed on painkillers and now im forever numb. deprived from essential emotions needed to live a normal life. the inside of me slowly decays. the skin on my wrists throb from the scars of my past. could any one save me? or is happiness an illusion. is it a figmant of our imagination, that creates a temporary fix that fills the huge hole in our sad, dark hearts. or maybe it is real, but its not made for me. maybe i have not earned the gift of pure bliss. i am not good enough for it yet. i've done nothing but dissapoint everyone all my life. why should i be rewarded for my mistakes? why should i be relieved of my pain when all i did was break and show the world my weakness. the only thing i was ever asked to do was please the needs of everyone aroud me and be strong. but i could not do these simple tasks. i could not grow the strength to endure all the emotional pain. so i found a release. create physical pain to distract my mind from the emotional pain building up inside of my soul. all the heartache slowly fades as it drips out of the self inflicted open wounds on my skin. blood oozing and pouring onto the ground as i feel the rush and pleasure of relief. now im strong. now i can handle all the stress produced by the challanges set in front of me. am i worthy of love now? do my battle scars prove my worthyness? or are they just more evidence of my flaws? look straight into my lifeless eyes and see the blank stare thats attached itself to my face. can you see how strong i am? or do see my misery? do see that pain? those tears i wasnt allowed to show. the laughter i could never edulge in. the smiles i had to fake to please everyone. no, you dont see it. you could never see it. even if you stared into my eyes with all your might, you could not even comprehend how hard i've tried to be strong. all i ask is for that wonderful gift of joy that everyone seems to have. everyone abuses the gift that they have, they dont aknowledge the fact that they have something so amazing, and some people; like me dont have that gift. for i am flawed. i am horribly flawed and the furthest thing from pure. perfection will never be in favor, for i am damned to suffer in silance for the rest of my life. here i am, the end of my journey. i look down at dark midnight blue waves crashing against the rocks at the bottom of this cliff. i must end this. i must relieve society from my inperfections. my arms outstretched to the sides. the light winter breeze brushes against my skin. sending chills down my spine. i look up one more time to awe in the beauty of the night sky. my eyes slowly close. it is time for me to find my happiness. it's time to spread my broken wings and fly away to a land where i wont be able to feel at all. no happiness, no pain. i lean foward and begin my journey to the end. wind blasting against my body. i feel like im flying. i begin my disention towards the rocky bed on the ocean floor. where my dead body will rot as fishes feed on my decaying flesh. this is what i deserve. this is how it ends.

Publication Date: 02-11-2013

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