Roman a Clef by Jessica Thompson (red white royal blue .txt) 📕

I will never play question and answer games with Ashley again. The happy couple use the rest of time to open their presents in front of their guests.

I am starting a saying: “Pickle on top,” which is the opposite of “cherry on top.” It will be synonymous with the phrase “insult to injury”. To add a “pickle on top” is a way of describing the look on Ashley’s face when she opens a present she doesn’t like. At that point I stand up and thank everyone for coming and ask them to take food home on their way out. As guests are leaving many of them approach me and ask why we stopped doing the questions. They said the game was fun. I smile and say thanks for coming.
Lacy and Kelly are hanging outside smoking to help calm their nerves. The cigarettes go out the moment I tell them it’s time to clean up.

Nathan’s cousins, The O’Callaghans, help with clean up. I think they are incredible. They are always there to lend a helping hand. If anyone needs a lifesaver while out in troubled waters, they will be one. Once the church hall is cleaned and put back to its original form, Nathan locks up and puts on the alarm. We get home and find multiple cars in our driveway. Nathan and I remember that we need to call Ashley Marlow sometime tonight before we go to bed. Kelly finds me to let me know that she is going to be outside smoking with a few people to blow off some steam and that we can talk later. Ashley Dunn sees me in my bedroom leaving Ashley Marlow a message and comes in to talk since all the smokers are outside.
“Did you have fun, future Mrs. Thompson?” I ask.
“Yeah, I did.”
“Good, that’s why we celebrate”
“I don’t think that people liked the questions game though.”
“You think?” I say with a smile.
At that moment a mutual friend, Rain Stewart, comes into the room, and gives me a great opportunity to escape. The three of us walk down into the kitchen and find Karen Thompson, Nathan and Patrick’s mother and Nathan sitting around the table talking to18- month-old Israel, Rain’s son. After a while Rain sings Israel to sleep

As the evening dies down Kelly Lacy and I sit around the patio table outside to vent on the party and the oncoming events. The sky is clear and the moon is the only light offered to us. We each take a deep breath.
“Well Ms. Lacy and Ms. Kelly, I hope working with me to throw this party didn’t drive you too nuts.”
“Are you kidding? You are not at all what Ashley said you would be like, you either Kelly.”
“Thanks, I suppose. On that note neither are you.”
With a twinge of irritation Kelly responds “What did she say?”
“She said not to let Jessica be too controlling and don’t let Kelly go too wild and out there with her ideas”
Kelly and I glance over at each other and begin to smirk.
“What?” ask Lacy inquisitively,
“Ashley’s pre-warning about you was wrong too. She told Kelly and I that you are a lazy procrastinator who is likely to slack off if not watched.”
We stare at each other for a moment realizing that the bride has been talking about each of us behind each others backs. The longer we sit the more infuriated we become. We spend the rest of the night spilling our guts about what has been said about each of us. Right before I announce that I am going to head off to bed, we make a packed that we will share everything that is said about one another.

During the coming week a series of things happen. Ashley Marlow moves into our spare bedroom and sets up preggers shop. We begin to get wrapped up in the world-wind of what is to be called Patrick and Ashley’s wedding. I never knew what a wedding email was until this wedding. The emails are laid out like the Ten Commandments:
Thou shall wear all the parts of your rented tuxedo
Thou shall wear black socks
Thou shall wear ankle length dresses
Thou shall wear red or plastic shoes
Thou shall be at the rehearsal on time
The list continued:
Penalty of a broken commandment is: you shall not walk!

When I first read the list I chuckled because Ashley saw the original dress that I picked out which was knee length and she said that it was fine. To put the “pickle on top,” I do not own a pair of red or plastic shoes, and with the swirl of craziness that I am already in, I don’t have time to find a pair. So, as some say, “It’s my email and I can be petty if I want to.” I send Ashley a considerate email explaining to her that I can borrow a skirt dress from April O’Callaghan, but my shoes will be gold. “Let me know if you don’t want me to walk down the aisle, that will be fine. I understand, it is your day.”

Her email response was, “I don’t understand why you don’t have the right shoes. I still want you to walk down the aisle.”

I guess I am still in the wedding.

Friday is steadily approaching and Nathan is finalizing Patrick’s bachelor party plans. Everyone will show up at our house around 6pm. Ashley Marlowe and I are planning to go to pick up Nathan, Ashley Dunn’s brother, and Patrick from the Dunn’s at 6:30 and drop them off at the brewery. We have four designated drivers who are committed to staying out all night waiting to pick the guys up. The designated drivers are going to meet back up at Karen’s condo and sit tight until we are called. Good solid plan.

I stand in the foyer and shout, “Nathan, everybody is here that is meeting at the house… Oh, Hey Sean.”
Sean Stewart, Rain’s husband and childhood friend of Patrick and Nathan, walks through the door with a confused look on his face. He asks, “Why didn’t anyone called Rain?”
“To tell her what, Sean?” I reply.
“That the girls are hanging out!”
“Hmm, that’s funny. Someone told you that and you believed it. Nathan, Ashley and I are leaving now to go pick up Patrick and Nathan. Do you still want me to have him down these two beers?”
Nathan shouts from the bedroom, “Yes.”

Ashley and I get in the car and make our way out to Stockbridge. By the time we get to Stockbridge Patrick and Nathan Dunn are ready to go. I politely tell Patrick he has to down these two beers and he tries to protest but I let him know that my car does not move unless he drinks those two beers. He reluctantly complies. The trip to Gordon & Biersch is the best story ever told. I will never, ever forget it. It starts with Patrick calling Ashley and they are discussing the bachelor party. Now I know that I shouldn’t be eavesdropping on someone’s conversation, but I am only human.

During each one of their mini conversations on the way to the restaurant Patrick uses his social skills to calm and reassure his fiancé that she is the most important person in his life and that he isn’t going to make any poor decisions because he chooses her. I am hearing the words “I choose you” at least 20 times before he gets out of the car. Those words are now so imbedded in my brain that I use them the rest of the night. Just for the record, “I choose You.”

After dropping Patrick and Nathan off, Ashley and I venture up to Karen’s townhouse. Everyone made it there safely. I find Lacy, Kelly, Karen, and April sitting in the ornately decorated patio. The private courtyard is the shape of a kidney bean and contains one bush and a single magnolia tree. Christmas lights are strewn about the bordering brick fence and colorful window chimes hang from the tree. Close to the patio door is a rushing fountain with the face of a lion head. One could easily feel worlds away once they step through the sliding glass doors. I mention to the ladies that we should check out this new adult bowling alley that has a full bar, DJ, pool tables and restaurant menu for a possible bachelorette party location. Everyone is pretty settled, allowing April and I to venture out into the unknown. It is called 300. It is gorgeous and it is packed! New carpeting, hardwood fixtures, pretty lighting, it is like an upscale club gave birth to a bowling alley. I love it and vow to come back.

After spending an hour on the patio drinking merlot we all decide to venture back out to R. Thomas Restaurant, which will put us closer to the guys for pick up. We are seated immediately. Upon arrival, Kelly runs into an acquaintance from school who also works at the restaurant. She offers us a great table next to the doves. R. Thomas is our favorite restaurant, serving the best vegan and free range food 24-hours a day. The restaurant features live talking birds that are trained to greet the guests as they walk in, and the funky eclectic dinning atmosphere leaves a lasting impression on your mind. We use this time at R. Thomas to discuss the bachelorette party. We come to a consensus that Lacy and Kelly will throw a kick-ass shower at my house. Synonymously our phones ring, each caller relaying the same message: “We are ready to be picked up.”

We pick the guys up at Insurrection, the Las Vegas of adult novelty stores. A huge neon marquee lights up the outside fascia of the building. Nothing screams sex like neon lights! We walk into the store and begin looking for bachelorette party novelty items. The guys make their way into the store five minutes later and it is easy to tell that they are all very drunk. Within the small amount of time we are in the store Jesse finds his penis on the dildo wall, Patrick straps himself into a dominatrix chair and asks bystanders to slap him with a whip, David passes out, Mark O’Callaghan walks around with a 5 dollar bill to give to one of the strippers and Sasha Wernersbach is walking around with a purchasable stripper pole. What a night!

During this time in my life everything seems to be building up to the next wedding event. The following weekend brought forth the bachelorette party.

The bachelorette party is well decorated with penises, pink boas, toys and trinkets. The girls have gone all out to make this night special for the bride. At this point Ashley and I aren’t speaking to each other. We have a mutual understanding that neither of us discusses. Sarah brings Ashley over to the house and the music is obnoxiously loud and I am dancing like a teenager at a rave trying to release all the negative energy out of me. 30 minutes into the celebration Sarah and