Something New by Pelham Grenville Wodehouse (best memoirs of all time TXT) 📕

Glasses Is On His Guard. I Was Listening To You Last Night From

Behind The Door. By The Way,  You Shouldn't Have Told Me To Run

Away And Then Have Stayed Yourself To Be Caught. That Is An

Example Of The Sort Of Thing I Mean. It Was Chivalry--Not

Business."

"I Had A Story Ready To Account For My Being There. You Had Not."

"And What A Capital Story It Was! I Shall Borrow It For My Own

Use. If I Am Caught I Shall Say I Had To Read Aline To Sleep

Because She Suffers From Insomnia. And I Shouldn't Wonder If She

Did--Poor Girl! She Doesn't Get Enough To Eat. She Is Being

Starved--Poor Child! I Heard One Of The Footmen Say That She

Refused Everything At Dinner Last Night. And,  Though She Vows It

Isn't,  My Belief Is That It's All Because She Is Afraid To Make A

Stand Against Her Old Father. It's A Shame!"

"She Is A Weak Creature,  To Be Shielded And Petted," Said Ashe

Solemnly.

Joan Laughed.

"Well,  Yes; You Caught Me There. I Admit That Poor Aline Is Not A

Shining Example Of The Formidable Modern Woman; But--" She

Stopped. "Oh,  Bother! I've Just Thought Of What I Ought To Have

Said--The Good Repartee That Would Have Crushed You. I Suppose

It's Too Late Now?"

"Not At All. I'm Like That Myself--Only It Is Generally The Next

Day When I Hit The Right Answer. Shall We Go Back? . . . She Is A

Weak Creature,  To Be Shielded And Petted."

"Thank You So Much," Said Joan Gratefully. "And Why Is She A Weak

Creature? Because She Has Allowed Herself To Be Shielded And

Petted; Because She Has Permitted Man To Give Her Special

Privileges,  And Generally--No; It Isn't So Good As I Thought It

Was Going To Be."

"It Should Be Crisper," Said Ashe Critically. "It Lacks The

Punch."

"But It Brings Me Back To My Point,  Which Is That I Am Not Going

To Imitate Her And Forfeit My Independence Of Action In Return

For Chivalry. Try To Look At It From My Point Of View,  Mr.

Marson. I Know You Need The Money Just As Much As I Do. Well,

Don't You Think I Should Feel A Little Mean If I Thought You Were

Not Trying Your Hardest To Get It,  Simply Because You Didn't

Think It Would Be Fair To Try Your Hardest Against A Woman? That

Would Cripple Me. I Should Not Feel As Though I Had The Right To

Do Anything. It's Too Important A Matter For You To Treat Me Like

A Child And Let Me Win To Avoid Disappointing Me. I Want The

Money; But I Don't Want It Handed To Me."

"Believe Me," Said Ashe Earnestly,  "It Will Not Be Handed To You.

I Have Studied The Baxter Question More Deeply Than You Have,  And

I Can Assure You That Baxter Is A Menace. What Has Put Him So

Firmly On The Right Scent I Don't Know; But He Seems To Have

Divined The Exact State Of Affairs In Its Entirety--So Far As I

Am Concerned,  That Is To Say. Of Course He Has No Idea You Are

Mixed Up In The Business; But I Am Afraid His Suspicion Of Me

Will Hit You As Well. What I Mean Is That,  For Some Time To Come,

I Fancy That Man Proposes To Camp Out On The Rug In Front Of The

Museum Door. It Would Be Madness For Either Of Us To Attempt To

Go There At Present."

"It Is Being Made Very Hard For Us,  Isn't It? And I Thought It

Was Going To Be So Simple."

"I Think We Should Give Him At Least A Week To Simmer Down."

"Fully That."

"Let Us Look On The Bright Side. We Are In No Hurry. Blandings

Castle Is Quite As Comfortable As Number Seven Arundell Street,

And The Commissariat Department Is A Revelation To Me. I Had No

Idea English Servants Did Themselves So Well. And,  As For The

Social Side,  I Love It; I Revel In It. For The First Time In My

Life I Feel As Though I Am Somebody. Did You Observe My Manner

Toward The Kitchen Maid Who Waited On Us At Dinner Last Night? A

Touch Of The Old Noblesse About It,  I Fancy. Dignified But Not

Unkind,  I Think. And I Can Keep It Up. So Far As I Am Concerned,

Let This Life Continue Indefinitely."

"But What About Mr. Peters? Don't You Think There Is Danger He

May Change His Mind About That Five Thousand Dollars If We Keep

Him Waiting Too Long?"

"Not A Chance Of It. Being Almost Within Touch Of The Scarab Has

Had The Worst Effect On Him. It Has Intensified The Craving. By

The Way,  Have You Seen The Scarab?"

"Yes; I Got Mrs. Twemlow To Take Me To The Museum While You Were

Talking To The Butler. It Was Dreadful To Feel That It Was Lying

There In The Open Waiting For Somebody To Take It,  And Not Be

Able To Do Anything."

"I Felt Exactly The Same. It Isn't Much To Look At,  Is It? If It

Hadn't Been For The Label I Wouldn't Have Believed It Was The

Thing For Which Peters Was Offering Five Thousand Dollars'

Reward. But That's His Affair. A Thing Is Worth What Somebody

Will Give For It. Ours Not To Reason Why; Ours But To Elude

Baxter And Gather It In."

"Ours,  Indeed! You Speak As Though We Were Partners Instead Of

Rivals."

Ashe Uttered An Exclamation. "You've Hit It! Why Not? Why Any

Cutthroat Competition? Why Shouldn't We Form A Company? It Would

Solve Everything."

Joan Looked Thoughtful.

"You Mean Divide The Reward?"

"Exactly--Into Two Equal Parts."

"And The Labor?"

"The Labor?"

"How Shall We Divide That?"

Ashe Hesitated.

"My Idea," He Said,  "Was That I Should Do What I Might Call The

Rough Work; And--"

"You Mean You Should Do The Actual Taking Of The Scarab?"

"Exactly. I Would Look After That End Of It."

"And What Would My Duties Be?"

"Well,  You--You Would,  As It Were--How Shall I Put It? You Would,

So To Speak,  Lend Moral Support."

"By Lying Snugly In Bed,  Fast Asleep?"

Ashe Avoided Her Eye.

"Well,  Yes--Er--Something On Those Lines."

"While You Ran All The Risks?"

"No,  No. The Risks Are Practically Nonexistent."

"I Thought You Said Just Now That It Would Be Madness For Either

Of Us To Attempt To Go To The Museum At Present." Joan Laughed.

"It Won't Do,  Mr. Marson. You Remind Me Of An Old Cat I Once Had.

Whenever He Killed A Mouse He Would Bring It Into The

Drawing-Room And Lay It Affectionately At My Feet. I Would Reject

The Corpse With Horror And Turn Him Out,  But Back He Would Come

With His Loathsome Gift. I Simply Couldn't Make Him Understand

That He Was Not Doing Me A Kindness. He Thought Highly Of His

Mouse And It Was Beyond Him To Realize That I Did Not Want It.

"You Are Just The Same With Your Chivalry. It's Very Kind Of You

To Keep Offering Me Your Dead Mouse; But Honestly I Have No Use

For It. I Won't Take Favors Just Because I Happen To Be A Female.

If We Are Going To Form This Partnership I Insist On Doing My

Fair Share Of The Work And Running My Fair Share Of The

Risks--The Practically Nonexistent Risks."

"You're Very--Resolute."

"Say Pig-Headed; I Shan't Mind. Certainly I Am! A Girl Has Got To

Be,  Even Nowadays,  If She Wants To Play Fair. Listen,  Mr.

Marson; I Will Not Have The Dead Mouse. I Do Not Like Dead Mice.

If You Attempt To Work Off Your Dead Mouse On Me This Partnership

Ceases Before It Has Begun. If We Are To Work Together We Are

Going To Make Alternate Attempts To Get The Scarab. No Other

Arrangement Will Satisfy Me."

"Then I Claim The Right To Make The First One."

"You Don't Do Anything Of The Sort. We Toss Up For First Chance,

Like Little Ladies And Gentlemen. Have You A Coin? I Will Spin,

And You Call."

Ashe Made A Last Stand.

"This Is Perfectly--"

"Mr. Marson!"

Ashe Gave In. He Produced A Coin And Handed It To Her Gloomily.

"Under Protest," He Said.

"Head Or Tail?" Said Joan,  Unmoved.

Ashe Watched The Coin Gyrating In The Sunshine.

"Tail!" He Cried.

The Coin Stopped Rolling.

"Tail It Is," Said Joan. "What A Nuisance! Well,  Never Mind--

I'll Get My Chance If You Fail."

"I Shan't Fail," Said Ashe Fervently. "If I Have To Pull The

Museum Down I Won't Fail. Thank Heaven,  There's No Chance Now Of

Your Doing Anything Foolish!"

"Don't Be Too Sure. Well,  Good Luck,  Mr. Marson!"

"Thank You,  Partner."

They Shook Hands.

As They Parted At The Door,  Joan Made One Further Remark:

"There's Just One Thing,  Mr. Marson."

"Yes?"

"If I Could Have Accepted The Mouse From Anyone I Should

Certainly Have Accepted It From You."