Something New by Pelham Grenville Wodehouse (best memoirs of all time TXT) 📕

"What Is It?" Said Ashe At Length. "What Is The Matter?"

She Looked At Him Gravely.

"Gloom," She Said. "Despondency,  Mr. Marson--A Sort Of Flat

Feeling. Don't You Hate Things Happening?"

"I Don't Quite Understand."

"Well,  This Affair Of Aline,  For Instance. It's So Big It Makes

One Feel As Though The Whole World Had Altered. I Should Like

Nothing To Happen Ever,  And Life Just To Jog Peacefully Along.

That's Not The Gospel I Preached To You In Arundell Street,  Is It!

I Thought I Was An Advanced Apostle Of Action; But I Seem To Have

Changed. I'm Afraid I Shall Never Be Able To Make Clear What I Do

Mean. I Only Know I Feel As Though I Have Suddenly Grown Old.

These Things Are Such Milestones. Already I Am Beginning To Look

On The Time Before Aline Behaved So Sensationally As Terribly

Remote. To-Morrow It Will Be Worse,  And The Day After That Worse

Still. I Can See That You Don't In The Least Understand What I

Mean."

"Yes; I Do--Or I Think I Do. What It Comes To,  In A Few Words,  Is

That Somebody You Were Fond Of Has Gone Out Of Your Life. Is That

It?"

Joan Nodded.

"Yes--At Least,  That Is Partly It. I Didn't Really Know Aline

Particularly Well,  Beyond Having Been At School With Her,  But

You're Right. It's Not So Much What Has Happened As What It

Represents That Matters. This Elopement Has Marked The End Of A

Phase Of My Life. I Think I Have It Now. My Life Has Been Such A

Series Of Jerks. I Dash Along--Then Something Happens Which Stops

That Bit Of My Life With A Jerk; And Then I Have To Start Over

Again--A New Bit. I Think I'm Getting Tired Of Jerks. I Want

Something Stodgy And Continuous.

"I'm Like One Of The Old Bus Horses That Could Go On Forever If

People Got Off Without Making Them Stop. It's The Having To Get

The Bus Moving Again That Wears One Out. This Little Section Of

My Life Since We Came Here Is Over,  And It Is Finished For Good.

I've Got To Start The Bus Going Again On A New Road And With A

New Set Of Passengers. I Wonder Whether The Old Horses Used To Be

Sorry When They Dropped One Lot Of Passengers And Took On A Lot

Of Strangers?"

A Sudden Dryness Invaded Ashe's Throat. He Tried To Speak,  But

Found No Words. Joan Went On:

"Do You Ever Get Moods When Life Seems Absolutely Meaningless?

It's Like A Badly-Constructed Story,  With All Sorts Of Characters

Moving In And Out Who Have Nothing To Do With The Plot. And When

Somebody Comes Along That You Think Really Has Something To Do

With The Plot,  He Suddenly Drops Out. After A While You Begin To

Wonder What The Story Is About,  And You Feel That It's About

Nothing--Just A Jumble."

"There Is One Thing," Said Ashe,  "That Knits It Together."

"What Is That?"

"The Love Interest."

Their Eyes Met And Suddenly There Descended On Ashe Confidence.

He Felt Cool And Alert,  Sure Of Himself,  As In The Old Days He

Had Felt When He Ran Races And,  The Nerve-Racking Hours Of

Waiting Past,  He Listened For The Starter's Gun. Subconsciously

He Was Aware He Had Always Been A Little Afraid Of Joan,  And That

Now He Was No Longer Afraid.

"Joan,  Will You Marry Me?"

Her Eyes Wandered From His Face. He Waited.

"I Wonder!" She Said Softly. "You Think That Is The Solution?"

"Yes."

"How Can You Tell?" She Broke Out. "We Scarcely Know Each Other.

I Shan't Always Be In This Mood. I May Get Restless Again. I May

Find It Is The Jerks That I Really Like."

"You Won't!"

"You're Very Confident."

"I Am Absolutely Confident."

"'She Travels Fastest Who Travels Alone,'" Misquoted Joan.

"What Is The Good," Said Ashe,  "Of Traveling Fast If You're Going

Round In A Circle? I Know How You Feel. I've Felt The Same

Myself. You Are An Individualist. You Think There Is Something

Tremendous Just Round The Corner And That You Can Get It If You

Try Hard Enough. There Isn't--Or If There Is It Isn't Worth

Getting. Life Is Nothing But A Mutual Aid Association. I Am Going

To Help Old Peters--You Are Going To Help Me--I Am Going To Help

You."

"Help Me To Do What?"

"Make Life Coherent Instead Of A Jumble."

"Mr. Marson---"

"Don't Call Me Mr. Marson."

"Ashe,  You Don't Know What You Are Doing. You Don't Know Me.

I've Been Knocking About The World For Five Years And I'm

Hard--Hard Right Through. I Should Make You Wretched."

"You Are Not In The Least Hard--And You Know It. Listen To Me,

Joan. Where's Your Sense Of Fairness? You Crash Into My Life,

Turn It Upside Down,  Dig Me Out Of My Quiet Groove,  Revolutionize

My Whole Existence; And Now You Propose To Drop Me And Pay No

Further Attention To Me. Is It Fair?"

"But I Don't. We Shall Always Be The Best Of Friends."

"We Shall--But We Will Get Married First."

"You Are Determined?"

"I Am!"

Joan Laughed Happily.

"How Perfectly Splendid! I Was Terrified Lest I Might Have Made

You Change Your Mind. I Had To Say All I Did To Preserve My

Self-Respect After Proposing To You. Yes; I Did. How Strange It

Is That Men Never Seem To Understand A Woman,  However Plainly She

Talks! You Don't Think I Was Really Worrying Because I Had Lost

Aline,  Do You? I Thought I Was Going To Lose You,  And It Made Me

Miserable. You Couldn't Expect Me To Say It In So Many Words; But

I Thought--I Was Hoping--You Guessed. I Practically Said It.

Ashe! What Are You Doing?"

Ashe Paused For A Moment To Reply.

"I Am Kissing You," He Said.

"But You Mustn't! There's A Scullery Maid Or Somebody Looking

Through The Kitchen Window. She Will See Us."

Ashe Drew Her To Him.

"Scullery Maids Have Few Pleasures," He Said. "Theirs Is A Dull

Life. Let Her See Us."

The Earl Of Emsworth Sat By The Sick Bed And Regarded The

Honorable Freddie Almost Tenderly.

"I Fear,  Freddie,  My Dear Boy,  This Has Been A Great Shock To

You."

"Eh? What? Yes--Rather! Deuce Of A Shock,  Gov'nor."

"I Have Been Thinking It Over,  My Boy,  And Perhaps I Have Been A

Little Hard On You. When Your Ankle Is Better I Have Decided To

Renew Your Allowance; And You May Return To London,  As You Do Not

Seem Happy In The Country. Though How Any Reasonable Being Can

Prefer--"

The Honorable Freddie Started,  Pop-Eyed,  To A Sitting Posture.

"My Word! Not Really?"

His Father Nodded.

"I Say,  Gov'nor,  You Really Are A Topper! You Really Are,  You

Know! I Know Just How You Feel About The Country And The Jolly

Old Birds And Trees And Chasing The Bally Slugs Off The Young

Geraniums And All That Sort Of Thing,  But Somehow It's Never

Quite Hit Me The Same Way. It's The Way I'm Built,  I Suppose. I

Like Asphalt Streets And Crowds And Dodging Taxis And Meeting

Chappies At The Club And Popping In At The Empire For Half An

Hour And So Forth. And There's Something About Having An

Allowance--I Don't Know . . . Sort Of Makes You Chuck Your Chest

Out And Feel You're Someone. I Don't Know How To Thank You,

Gov'nor! You're--You're An Absolute Sportsman! This Is The Most

Priceless Bit Of Work You've Ever Done. I Feel Like A

Two-Year-Old. I Don't Know When I've Felt So Braced.

I--I--Really,  You Know,  Gov'nor,  I'm Most Awfully Grateful."

"Exactly," Said Lord Emsworth. "Ah--Precisely. But,  Freddie,  My

Boy," He Added,  Not Without Pathos,  "There Is Just One Thing

More. Do You Think That--With An Effort--For My Sake--You Could

Endeavor This Time Not To Make A--A Damned Fool Of Yourself?"

He Eyed His Offspring Wistfully.

"Gov'nor," Said The Honorable Freddie Firmly,  "I'll Have A Jolly

Good Stab At It!"

Publication Date: 05-13-2014

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