Something New by Pelham Grenville Wodehouse (best memoirs of all time TXT) 📕

Actions--Overwork Or Something,  I Imagined. I Have Seen It Happen

So Often In India,  Don't You Know,  Where Fellows Run Amuck And

Kick Up The Deuce's Own Delight. I Am Bound To Admit That I Have

Been Watching Mr. Baxter Rather Closely Lately In The Expectation

That Something Of This Very Kind Might Happen.

"Of Course I Now Realize My Mistake; And I Have Apologized--

Apologized Humbly--Dash It! But At The Moment I Was Firmly Under

The Impression That Our Friend Here Had An Attack Of Some Kind

And Was About To Inflict Injuries On Miss Peters. If I've Seen It

Happen Once In India,  I've Seen It Happen A Dozen Times.

"I Recollect,  In The Hot Weather Of The Year '99---Or Was It

'93?--I Think '93---One Of My Native Bearers--However,  I Sprang

Forward And Caught The Crook Of My Walking Stick On Mr. Baxter's

Ankle And Brought Him Down. And By The Time Explanations Were

Made It Was Too Late. The Train Had Gone,  With Miss Peters In

It."

"And A Telegram Has Just Arrived," Said Lord Emsworth,  "To Say

That They Are Being Married This Afternoon At A Registrar's. The

Whole Occurrence Is Most Disturbing."

"Bear It Like A Man,  My Boy!" Urged Colonel Mant.

To All Appearances Freddie Was Bearing It Magnificently. Not A

Single Exclamation,  Either Of Wrath Or Pain,  Had Escaped His

Lips. One Would Have Said The Shock Had Stunned Him Or That He

Had Not Heard,  For His Face Expressed No Emotion Whatever.

The Fact Was,  The Story Had Made Very Little Impression On The

Honorable Freddie Of Any Sort. His Relief At Ashe's News About

Joan Valentine; The Stunning Joy Of Having Met In The Flesh The

Author Of The Adventures Of Gridley Quayle; The General Feeling

That All Was Now Right With The World--These Things Deprived Him

Of The Ability To Be Greatly Distressed.

And There Was A Distinct Feeling Of Relief--Actual Relief--That

Now It Would Not Be Necessary For Him To Get Married. He Had

Liked Aline; But Whenever He Really Thought Of It The Prospect Of

Getting Married Rather Appalled Him. A Chappie Looked Such An Ass

Getting Married! It Appeared,  However,  That Some Verbal Comment

On The State Of Affairs Was Required Of Him. He Searched His Mind

For Something Adequate.

"You Mean To Say Aline Has Bolted With Emerson?"

The Deputation Nodded Pained Nods. Freddie Searched In His Mind

Again. The Deputation Held Its Breath.

"Well,  I'm Blowed!" Said Freddie. "Fancy That!"

Mr. Peters Walked Heavily Into His Room. Ashe Marson Was Waiting

For Him There. He Eyed Ashe Dully.

"Pack!" He Said.

"Pack?"

"Pack! We're Getting Out Of Here By The Afternoon Train."

"Has Anything Happened?"

"My Daughter Has Eloped With Emerson."

"What!"

"Don't Stand There Saying,  'What!' Pack."

Ashe Put His Hand In His Pocket.

"Where Shall I Put This?" He Asked.

For A Moment Mr. Peters Looked Without Comprehension At What Ashe

Was Holding Out; Then His Whole Demeanor Altered. His Eyes Lit

Up. He Uttered A Howl Of Pure Rapture:

"You Got It!"

"I Got It."

"Where Was It? Who Took It? How Did You Choke It Out Of Them?

How Did You Find It? Who Had It?"

"I Don't Know Whether I Ought To Say. I Don't Want To Start

Anything. You Won't Tell Anyone?"

"Tell Anyone! What Do You Take Me For? Do You Think I Am Going

About Advertising This? If I Can Sneak Out Without That Fellow

Baxter Jumping On My Back I Shall Be Satisfied. You Can Take It

From Me That There Won't Be Any Sensational Exposures If I Can

Help It. Who Had It?"

"Young Threepwood."

"Threepwood? Why Did He Want It?"

"He Needed Money And He Was Going To Raise It On--"

Mr. Peters Exploded.

"And I Have Been Kicking Because Aline Can't Marry Him And Has

Gone Off With A Regular Fellow Like Young Emerson! He's A Good

Boy--Young Emerson. I Knew His Folks. He'll Make A Name For

Himself One Of These Days. He's Got Get-Up In Him. And I Have

Been Waiting To Shoot Him Because He Has Taken Aline Away From

That Goggle-Eyed Chump Up In Bed There!

"Why,  If She Had Married Threepwood I Should Have Had

Grandchildren Who Would Have Sneaked My Watch While I Was Dancing

Them On My Knee! There Is A Taint Of Some Sort In The Whole

Family. Father Sneaks My Cheops And Sonny Sneaks It From Father.

What A Gang! And The Best Blood In England! If That's England's

Idea Of Good Blood Give Me Hoboken! This Settles It. I Was A

Chump Ever To Come To A Country Like This. Property Isn't Safe

Here. I'm Going Back To America On The Next Boat.

"Where's My Check Book? I'm Going To Write You That Check Right

Away. You've Earned It. Listen,  Young Man; I Don't Know What Your

Ideas Are,  But If You Aren't Chained To This Country I'll Make It

Worth Your While To Stay On With Me. They Say No One's

Indispensable,  But You Come Mighty Near It. If I Had You At My

Elbow For A Few Years I'd Get Right Back Into Shape. I'm Feeling

Better Now Than I Have Felt In Years--And You've Only Just

Started In On Me.

"How About It? You Can Call Yourself What You Like--Secretary Or

Trainer,  Or Whatever Suits You Best. What You Will Be Is The

Fellow Who Makes Me Take Exercise And Stop Smoking Cigars,  And

Generally Looks After Me. How Do You Feel About It?"

It Was A Proposition That Appealed Both To Ashe's Commercial And

To His Missionary Instincts. His Only Regret Had Been That,  The

Scarab Recovered,  He And Mr. Peters Would Now,  He Supposed,  Part

Company. He Had Not Liked The Idea Of Sending The Millionaire

Back To The World A Half-Cured Man. Already He Had Begun To Look

On Him In The Light Of A Piece Of Creative Work To Which He Had

Just Set His Hand.

But The Thought Of Joan Gave Him Pause. If This Meant Separation

From Joan It Was Not To Be Considered.

"Let Me Think It Over," He Said.

"Well,  Think Quick!" Said Mr. Peters.

It Has Been Said By Those Who Have Been Through Fires,

Earthquakes And Shipwrecks That In Such Times Of Stress The

Social Barriers Are Temporarily Broken Down,  And The Spectacle

May Be Seen Of Persons Of The Highest Social Standing Speaking

Quite Freely To Persons Who Are Not In Society At All; And Of

Quite Nice People Addressing Others To Whom They Have Never Been

Introduced. The News Of Aline Peters' Elopement With George

Emerson,  Carried Beyond The Green-Baize Door By Slingsby,  The

Chauffeur,  Produced Very Much The Same State Of Affairs In The

Servants' Quarters At Blandings Castle.

It Was Not Only That Slingsby Was Permitted To Penetrate Into The

Housekeeper's Room And Tell His Story To His Social Superiors

There,  Though That Was An Absolutely Unprecedented Occurrence;

What Was Really Extraordinary Was That Mere Menials Discussed The

Affair With The Personal Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Castle

Guests,  And Were Allowed To Do So Uncrushed. James,  The

Footman--That Pushing Individual--Actually Shoved His Way Into

The Room,  And Was Heard By Witnesses To Remark To No Less A

Person Than Mr. Beach That It Was A Bit Thick.

And It Is On Record That His Fellow Footman,  Alfred,  Meeting The

Groom Of The Chambers In The Passage Outside,  Positively Prodded

Him In The Lower Ribs,  Winked,  And Said: "What A Day We're

Having!" One Has To Go Back To The Worst Excesses Of The French

Revolution To Parallel These Outrages. It Was Held By Mr. Beach

And Mrs. Twemlow Afterward That The Social Fabric Of The Castle

Never Fully Recovered From This Upheaval. It May Be They Took An

Extreme View Of The Matter,  But It Cannot Be Denied That It

Wrought Changes. The Rise Of Slingsby Is A Case In Point. Until

This Affair Took Place The Chauffeur's Standing Had Never Been

Satisfactorily Settled. Mr. Beach And Mrs. Twemlow Led The Party

Which Considered That He Was Merely A Species Of Coachman; But

There Was A Smaller Group Which,  Dazzled By Slingsby's

Personality,  Openly Declared It Was Not Right That He Should Take

His Meals In The Servants' Hall With Such Admitted Plebeians As

The Odd Man And The Steward's-Room Footman.

The Aline-George Elopement Settled The Point Once And For All.

Slingsby Had Carried George's Bag To The Train. Slingsby Had Been

Standing A Few Yards From The Spot Where Aline Began Her Dash For

The Carriage Door. Slingsby Was Able To Exhibit The Actual Half

Sovereign With Which George Had Tipped Him Only Five Minutes

Before The Great Event. To Send Such A Public Man Back To The

Servants' Hall Was Impossible. By Unspoken Consent The Chauffeur

Dined That Night In The Steward's Room,  From Which He Was Never

Dislodged.

Mr. Judson Alone Stood Apart From The Throng That Clustered About

The Chauffeur. He Was Suffering The Bitterness Of The Supplanted.

A Brief While Before And He Had Been The Central Figure,  With His

Story Of The Letter He Had Found In The Honorable Freddie's Coat

Pocket. Now The Importance Of His Story Had Been Engulfed In That

Of This Later And Greater Sensation,  Mr. Judson Was Learning,  For

The First Time,  On What Unstable Foundations Popularity Stands.

Joan Was Nowhere To Be Seen. In None Of The Spots Where She Might

Have Been Expected To Be At Such A Time Was She To Be Found. Ashe

Had Almost Given Up The Search When,  Going To The Back Door And

Looking Out As A Last Chance,  He Perceived Her Walking Slowly On

The Gravel Drive.

She Greeted Ashe With A Smile,  But Something Was Plainly

Troubling Her. She Did Not Speak For A Moment And They Walked

Side By Side.