Something New by Pelham Grenville Wodehouse (best memoirs of all time TXT) 📕

You Have Seen The Whole Country And Can Go Home Again. You May

Judge A Country By Its Meals. A People With Imagination Will Eat

With Imagination. Look At The French; Look At Ourselves,  The

Englishman Loathes Imagination. He Goes To A Place Like This And

Says: 'Don't Bother Me To Think. Here's Half A Dollar. Give Me

Food--Any Sort Of Food--Until I Tell You To Stop.' And That's The

Principle On Which He Lives His Life. 'Give Me Anything,  And

Don't Bother Me!' That's His Motto."

"If That Was Meant To Apply To Freddie And Me,  I Think You're

Very Rude. Do You Mean That Any Girl Would Have Done For Him,  So

Long As It Was A Girl?"

George Emerson Showed A Trace Of Confusion. Being Honest With

Himself,  He Had To Admit That He Did Not Exactly Know What He Did

Mean--If He Meant Anything. That,  He Felt Rather Bitterly,  Was

The Worst Of Aline. She Would Never Let A Fellow's Good Things Go

Purely As Good Things; She Probed And Questioned And Spoiled The

Whole Effect. He Was Quite Sure That When He Began To Speak He

Had Meant Something,  But What It Was Escaped Him For The Moment.

He Had Been Urged To The Homily By The Fact That At A Neighboring

Table He Had Caught Sight Of A Stout Young Briton,  With A Red

Face,  Who Reminded Him Of The Honorable Frederick Threepwood. He

Mentioned This To Aline.

"Do You See That Fellow In The Gray Suit--I Think He Has Been

Sleeping In It--At The Table On Your Right? Look At The Stodgy

Face. See The Glassy Eye. If That Man Sandbagged Your Freddie And

Tied Him Up Somewhere,  And Turned Up At The Church Instead Of

Him,  Can You Honestly Tell Me You Would Know The Difference?

Come,  Now,  Wouldn't You Simply Say,  'Why,  Freddie,  How Natural

You Look!' And Go Through The Ceremony Without A Suspicion?"

"He Isn't A Bit Like Freddie."

"My Dear Girl,  There Isn't A Man In This Restaurant Under The Age

Of Thirty Who Isn't Just Like Freddie. All Englishmen Look

Exactly Alike,  Talk Exactly Alike,  And Think Exactly Alike."

"And You Oughtn't To Speak Of Him As Freddie. You Don't Know

Him."

"Yes,  I Do. And,  What Is More,  He Expressly Asked Me To Call Him

Freddie. 'Oh,  Dash It,  Old Top,  Don't Keep On Calling Me

Threepwood! Freddie To Pals!' Those Were His Very Words."

"George,  You're Making This Up."

"Not At All. We Met Last Night At The National Sporting Club.

Porky Jones Was Going Twenty Rounds With Eddie Flynn. I Offered

To Give Three To One On Eddie. Freddie,  Who Was Sitting Next To

Me,  Took Me In Fivers. And If You Want Any Further Proof Of Your

Young Man's Pin-Headedness; Mark That! A Child Could Have Seen

That Eddie Had Him Going. Eddie Comes From Pittsburgh--God Bless

It! My Own Home Town!"

"Did Your Eddie Win?"

"You Don't Listen--I Told You He Was From Pittsburgh. And

Afterward Threepwood Chummed Up With Me And Told Me That To Real

Pals Like Me He Was Freddie. I Was A Real Pal,  As I Understood

It,  Because I Would Have To Wait For My Money. The Fact Was,  He

Explained,  His Old Governor Had Cut Off His Bally Allowance."

"You're Simply Trying To Poison My Mind Against Him; And I Don't

Think It's Very Nice Of You,  George."

"What Do You Mean--Poison Your Mind? I'm Not Poisoning Your Mind;

I'm Simply Telling You A Few Things About Him. You Know Perfectly

Well That You Don't Love Him,  And That You Aren't Going To Marry

Him--And That You Are Going To Marry Me."

"How Do You Know I Don't Love My Freddie?"

"If You Can Look Me Straight In The Eyes And Tell Me You Do,  I

Will Drop The Whole Thing And Put On A Little Page's Dress And

Carry Your Train Up The Aisle. Now,  Then!"

"And All The While You're Talking You're Letting My Carver Get

Away," Said Aline.

George Called To The Willing Priest,  Who Steered His Truck Toward

Them. Aline Directed His Dissection Of The Shoulder Of Mutton By

Word And Gesture.

"Enjoy Yourself!" Said Emerson Coldly.

"So I Do,  George; So I Do. What Excellent Meat They Have In

England!"

"It All Comes From America," Said George Patriotically. "And,

Anyway,  Can't You Be A Bit More Spiritual? I Don't Want To Sit

Here Discussing Food Products."

"If You Were In My Position,  George,  You Wouldn't Want To Talk

About Anything Else. It's Doing Him A World Of Good,  Poor Dear;

But There Are Times When I'm Sorry Father Ever Started This

Food-Reform Thing. You Don't Know What It Means For A Healthy

Young Girl To Try And Support Life On Nuts And Grasses."

"And Why Should You?" Broke Out Emerson. "I'll Tell You What It

Is,  Aline--You Are Perfectly Absurd About Your Father. I Don't

Want To Say Anything Against Him To You,  Naturally; But--"

"Go Ahead,  George. Why This Diffidence? Say What You Like."

"Very Well,  Then,  I Will. I'll Give It To You Straight. You Know

Quite Well That You Have Let Your Father Bully You Since You Were

In Short Frocks. I Don't Say It Is Your Fault Or His Fault,  Or

Anybody's Fault; I Just State It As A Fact. It's Temperament,  I

Suppose. You Are Yielding And He Is Aggressive; And He Has Taken

Advantage Of It.

"We Now Come To This Idiotic Freddie-Marriage Business. Your

Father Has Forced You Into That. It's All Very Well To Say That

You Are A Free Agent And That Fathers Don't Coerce Their

Daughters Nowadays. The Trouble Is That Your Father Does. You Let

Him Do What He Likes With You. He Has Got You Hypnotized; And You

Won't Break Away From This Freddie Foolishness Because You Can't

Find The Nerve. I'm Going To Help You Find The Nerve. I'm Coming

Down To Blandings Castle When You Go There On Friday."

"Coming To Blandings!"

"Freddie Invited Me Last Night. I Think It Was Done By Way Of

Interest On The Money He Owed Me; But He Did It And I Accepted."

"But,  George,  My Dear Boy,  Do You Never Read The Etiquette Books

And The Hints In The Sunday Papers On How To Be The Perfect

Gentleman? Don't You Know You Can't Be A Man's Guest And Take

Advantage Of His Hospitality To Try To Steal His Fiancee Away

From Him?"

"Watch Me."

A Dreamy Look Came Into Aline's Eyes. "I Wonder What It Feels

Like,  Being A Countess," She Said.

"You Will Never Know." George Looked At Her Pityingly. "My Poor

Girl," He Said,  "Have You Been Lured Into This Engagement In The

Belief That Pop-Eyed Frederick,  The Idiot Child,  Is Going To Be

An Earl Some Day? You Have Been Stung! Freddie Is Not The Heir.

His Older Brother,  Lord Bosham,  Is As Fit As A Prize-Fighter And

Has Three Healthy Sons. Freddie Has About As Much Chance Of

Getting The Title As I Have."

"George,  Your Education Has Been Sadly Neglected. Don't You Know

That The Heir To The Title Always Goes On A Yachting Cruise,  With

His Whole Family,  And Gets Drowned--And The Children Too? It

Happens In Every English Novel You Read."

"Listen,  Aline! Let Us Get This Thing Straight: I Have Been In

Love With You Since I Wore Knickerbockers. I Proposed To You At

Your First Dance--"

"Very Clumsily."

"But Sincerely. Last Year,  When I Found That You Had Gone To

England,  I Came On After You As Soon As The Firm Could Spare Me.

And I Found You Engaged To This Freddie Excrescence."

"I Like The Way You Stand Up For Freddie. So Many Men In Your

Position Might Say Horrid Things About Him."

"Oh,  I've Nothing Against Freddie. He Is Practically An Imbecile

And I Don't Like His Face; Outside Of That He's All Right. But

You Will Be Glad Later That You Did Not Marry Him. You Are Much

Too Real A Person. What A Wife You Will Make For A Hard-Working

Man!"

"What Does Freddie Work Hard At?"

"I Am Alluding At The Moment Not To Freddie But To Myself. I

Shall Come Home Tired Out. Maybe Things Will Have Gone Wrong

Downtown. I Shall Be Fagged,  Disheartened. And Then You Will Come

With Your Cool,  White Hands And,  Placing Them Gently On My

Forehead--"

Aline Shook Her Head. "It's No Good,  George. Really,  You Had

Better Realize It. I'm Very Fond Of You,  But We Are Not Suited!"

"Why Not?"

"You Are Too Overwhelming--Too Much Like A Bomb. I Think You Must

Be One Of The Supermen One Reads About. You Would Want Your Own

Way And Nothing But Your Own Way. Now,  Freddie Will Roll Through

Hoops And Sham Dead,  And We Shall Be The Happiest Pair In The

World. I Am Much Too Placid And Mild To Make You Happy. You Want

Somebody Who Would Stand Up To You--Somebody Like Joan

Valentine."

"That's The Second Time You Have Mentioned This Joan Valentine.

Who Is She?"

"She Is A Girl Who Was At School With Me. We Were The Greatest

Chums--At Least,  I Worshiped Her And Would Have Done Anything For

Her; And I Think She Liked Me. Then We Lost Touch With One

Another And Didn't Meet For Years. I Met Her On The Street

Yesterday,  And She Is Just The Same. She Has Been Through The

Most Awful Times. Her Father Was Quite Rich; He Died Suddenly

While He And Joan Were In Paris,  And She Found That He Hadn't

Left A Cent. He Had Been Living Right Up To His Income All The

Time. His Life Wasn't Even Insured. She Came To London; And,  So

Far As I Could Make Out From The Short Talk We Had,