Football NOT Soccer by Paul Curtis (novel24 txt) 📕

Football

THE BEAUTIFUL GAME

I'd like to speak of a hate of mine
The football men of the Argentine
Players blessed with skill and flair
And pace to make you stand and stare
So when endowed with grace and style
Resort to such unsporting guile
They push and pull and kick and dive
As to win at any cost they strive
And when they’re court the offending players
Will offer up their hands in prayers
The slightest touch on any spot
And they go down like they’ve been shot
They lead with arms and tackle late
And hope there foe retaliate
Victories are always tinged with shame
When they could light up the beautiful game

McPELE

Brazil Brazil is the Celtic chant
From the clan McCarlos and McCafu
Scotland’s allies in the yellow and blue
Must defeat the Englishmen for you

I feel more pity than I feel contempt
Though not enough to shed a tear
What a truly sad existence you endure
No talented team of Scots to cheer

How sad and bitter you poor Celts are
Lacking a worthy team home grown
You must bathe in the reflected glory
Of greater nations than your own

CAN’T PLAY AWAY

The eternal problems for all football teams
Was keeping players fit to fulfill their dreams
As with unfit players they were bound to fail
But today the problem is keeping them out of jail

TIMES UP

To my chest my
Hands I clasp
I deeply breathe
I wheeze and gasp
My temples throb
My mouth is dry
My heart beats fast
I’m going to die
My voice has gone
My throat is sore
My hands both shake
I can take no more
I lay my head
Upon my knee
Now blow the whistle
Referee


WHO DOES HE SUPPORT?

“England are out what did you think?
What a free kick” he gave me a wink
“Those Brazilian’s are good though
Best team won don’t you think so?”
Now he wasn’t English that for certain
And he surely didn’t look Brazilian
Now there a clue a sardonic grin
He really must be of Celtic origin

STRIKER

A new striker was signed for united
And to make his debut he was invited
The manager spoke to the debutante
Uttering words of encouragement
“If your performance is not sublime
I’ll have to pull you off at half time”
The striker attempting to be witty
Said “we only got a cup of tea at city”


MATCH OF THE DAY

I took the boys to the match
Down the road on Saturday
I take them to the home games
But we never ever go away

They’re only a conference side
About mid table if were lucky
If we manage a decent cup run
The pundits call us plucky

Almost numb with boredom
We suffered a dull first half
The ref fell over on his arse
So at least we had a laugh

To cheer the boys up a bit
I took them to a burger bar
I didn’t know how long we’d be
The line didn’t seem that far


The true concept of “fast food”
Seems to have passed them by
As we spent half time queuing
For two hot dogs and a pie

I sent the boys to the stands
Coming over all paternal
I queued on my own and missed
Two goals after the interval

Back in the stand with the boys
I realized I’d got nothing for me
And when I tied Josh’s shoelace
I missed goal number three

I saw the last five minutes
Until the final whistle blew
Still at least we won the match
The last time we only drew


Match days are meant to be fun
I must be totally off my brain
Halfway home without a coat
It starts to pour with rain

Forty quid to see the match
Plus fast food and a program
Still at least I spent the day
With my boys Ben Josh and Sam

SHOT IN THE BACK - SIDE

It was in the buttock apparently
That a footballer has been shot
Although from the papers you may
Believe it or believe it not
As this was the way of reporting
The event that they preferred
“Adjacent to the player’s tunnel
An explosive incident occurred”


WHEN SATURDAY COMES

I support them as they’re from my hometown
I’ve supported them for years it would seem
Before the start of every single game at home
They announce the crowd changes to the team

Come next year the team may well be in Europe
But that would only happen if there is a war I fear
If you ask them “what time does the match start?”
They just reply “well what time can you get here”

The team does a lap of honor if they win the toss
This does at least get the meager crowd humming
To take the pressure off and to help our keeper
We put a Bell in the ball so he can hear it coming

We have the strongest team in the football league
From the bottom we have to hold the rest up
We're always the bookie's favorite for the drop
For we’ve never won a title a trophy or a cup


My father exposed me to this when I was a boy
Since, Saturday afternoons are spent in torture
I now expose my children to sad match days
And their children will also suffer in the future

FORFAR 5 EAST FIFE 4
My boy has just got into football
Which is a very good thing after all
His choice of team worries me though
As he’s chosen Charlton Athletico
I don’t want to put him off football
But it’s not Charlton Athletico at all
He may find the truth a bitter pill
As it’s really Charlton Athletic nil

ENGLAND COACH
Steve McLaren has said recently
He is looking forward apparently
To taking the England football team
To the next world cup, it would seem
This is only likely to happen in reality
If he’s the coach driver quite frankly

IT’S A FUNNY OLD GAME

Every Saturday it’s the same old story
With are mates we bathe in the reflected glory
As our heroes play the beautiful game
We sing and cheer and chant their names
They get at them early doors in attack
A Drag back and he’s skinned the fullback
What skill he’s left the fullback for dead
The strikers there and wants it on his head
He heads the ball but no it’s hit the frame
The crowd all chant the strikers name
Another attack, Pass & move Give & go
The home teams putting on a great show
The ball comes to the striker as planned
But what a save it’s in the keeper’s hands
Again the ball comes to Johnny on the spot
He shoots did it go in? Was it a goal or not?
No goals and the last minute, one more chance
The fullback is passed like he’s in a trance
The balls in the middle and shot against the bar
The striker has an open goal he misses by far
We boo and jeer and chant their names
The striker is pants and it’s a funny old game

CHELSKI

Chelsea have won another match
They beat city two goals to one
They were a goal down though
Before they got the job done
Joe Cole scored the equaliser
Shot form twenty yards or more
It took one or two deflections
On the way, well actually it was four

Then Frank Lampard struck
From well outside the box
Wrong footing the keeper
After hitting the full backs buttocks
The ball deflected past the keeper
It hit both posts and the bar
Would it go in no one could see
until it hit the head of the referee

TO DRY GREENHOFF’S TEAR’S

1976, in May
Doc’s red army
Witnessed the young guns
Fail at Wembley
To that iffy goal
Scored by bobby stokes
When Coppell hill and co
Failed to beat McMenemy’s men
A motley crew
Of has-beens and nobody’s
The sick, the lame and the lazy
Won the day
2005, in May
The red army
Witnessed fergies men
At St Mary’s
By two goal’s to one
Relegate them
To the championship
The old division two
Almost thirty years
The saints were a thorn in United’s flesh
Finally the ghost of 76
Has been well and truly laid

BEST OF A DECADE

The soundtrack of the sixties
Was by Lennon and McCartney
But it was little Georgie Best
Who did the choreography


BOTLEY BILLY

Billy Casey is the Botley United F.C. team captain
He’s just bettered his club scoring record again
In ninety matches he’s now scored twenty-three
He’s second highest scorer now just behind o.g


QUIET PLEASE

If you are a City fan
Keep silent if you can
As you stand at Old Trafford
As silence falls in accord
Please don’t speak out
Please don’t scream or shout
Acknowledge the silence
For those who lived once
Don’t think about the “Babes”
Cold and dead in the carnage
If hatred in your heart and head
Stops you honouring United’s dead
Give your silence as a gift
In remembrance of Frank Swift


GOOD BYE TOMMY

Good bye Tommy
Celtics gentleman
Respected by professionals
Respected by the fans

Good bye Tommy
Celtic servant and friend
A rock and pillar
Until your early end

Good bye Tommy
High in our esteem
The Celtic angels now
Have a new man on the team

Tommy Burns Died May 15th 2008


WHO PUT THE GER IN ANGER

Waves of Rangers blue
Relentlessly Attack
Wave upon wave
Push their opponents back

But this valiant effort
This Rangers blue tide
That moved with precision
Pushing opponents aside

Did not happen in the stadium
Nor was a ball at their feet
This game took place
On Manchesters city streets

The Waves of Rangers blue
With alcohol fuelled Fight
Brought to bear upon the police
Their vengeance and their spite


But if during the match
Such passion had been on show
Then the UEFA cup
Might have gone to Glasgow

May 14th 2008
The events following the UEFA Cup final at the City of Manchester Stadium

WOKINGS WOES

After a dismal start to the season
Woking are slowest out the blocks
With two points from seven games
The crowd are angry to their socks
They have singled out a scapegoat
A target for their jeers and mocks
and they call the new striker “jigsaw”
Because he goes to pieces in the box


THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER

Was it the organisation?
That was to blame
Or profiteering retailers
Perhaps too greedy
Pubs and clubs to liberal?
Uninterested in consequences
A faulty screen was a factor
In the ensuing conflict
But all of the above played a part
So technology caused the spark
And Alcohol fuelled the flames
What began with scuffle and skirmish
Erupted in a volcano of hate
And then the battle commenced
As the angry and the drunk
Rampaged through the city
The police were mobilized
To quell hostilities
But hopelessly out numbered
They had to withdraw
They fell back to