Travels Through France And Italy by Tobias Smollett (fastest ebook reader .txt) 📕

Pinch, With The Most Graceful Gesticulations; Then He Displays

His Handkerchief, Which May Be Termed The Flag Of Abomination,

And, In The Use Of Both, Scatters His Favours Among Those Who

Have The Happiness To Sit Near Him. It Must Be Owned, However,

That A Frenchman Will Not Drink Out Of A Tankard, In Which,

Perhaps, A Dozen Of Filthy Mouths Have Flabbered, As Is The

Custom In England. Here Every Individual Has His Own Gobelet,

Which Stands Before Him, And He Helps Himself Occasionally With 

Wine Or Water, Or Both, Which Likewise Stand Upon The Table. But

I Know No Custom More Beastly Than That Of Using Water-Glasses,

In Which Polite Company Spirt, And Squirt, And Spue The Filthy

Scourings Of Their Gums, Under The Eyes Of Each Other. I Knew A

Lover Cured Of His Passion, By Seeing This Nasty Cascade

Discharged From The Mouth Of His Mistress. I Don't Doubt But I

Shall Live To See The Day, When The Hospitable Custom Of The

Antient Aegyptians Will Be Revived; Then A Conveniency Will Be

Placed Behind Every Chair In Company, With A Proper Provision Of

Waste Paper, That Individuals May Make Themselves Easy Without

Parting Company. I Insist Upon It, That This Practice Would Not

Be More Indelicate Than That Which Is Now In Use. What Then, You

Will Say, Must A Man Sit With His Chops And Fingers Up To The

Ears And Knuckles In Grease? No; Let Those Who Cannot Eat Without

Defiling Themselves, Step Into Another Room, Provided With Basons

And Towels: But I Think It Would Be Better To Institute Schools,

Where Youth May Learn To Eat Their Victuals, Without Daubing

Themselves, Or Giving Offence To The Eyes Of One Another.

The Bourgeois Of Boulogne Have Commonly Soup And Bouilli At Noon,

And A Roast, With A Sallad, For Supper; And At All Their Meals

There Is A Dessert Of Fruit. This Indeed Is The Practice All Over

France. On Meagre Days They Eat Fish, Omelettes, Fried Beans,

Fricassees Of Eggs And Onions, And Burnt Cream. The Tea Which

They Drink In The Afternoon Is Rather Boiled Than Infused; It Is

Sweetened All Together With Coarse Sugar, And Drank With An Equal

Quantity Of Boiled Milk.

We Had The Honour To Be Entertained The Other Day By Our

Landlord, Mr. B--, Who Spared No Cost On This Banquet, Exhibited

For The Glory Of France. He Had Invited A Newmarried Couple,

Together With The Husband's Mother And The Lady's Father, Who Was

One Of The Noblesse Of Montreuil, His Name Mons. L--Y. There Were

Likewise Some Merchants Of The Town, And Mons. B--'S Uncle, A

Facetious Little Man, Who Had Served In The English Navy, And Was

As Big And As Round As A Hogshead; We Were Likewise Favoured With

The Company Of Father K--, A Native Of Ireland, Who Is Vicaire Or

Curate Of The Parish; And Among The Guests Was Mons. L--Y's Son,

A Pretty Boy, About Thirteen Or Fourteen Years Of Age. The Repas

Served Up In Three Services, Or Courses, With Entrees And Hors

D'oeuvres, Exclusive Of The Fruit, Consisted Of About Twenty

Dishes, Extremely Well Dressed By The Rotisseur, Who Is The Best

Cook I Ever Knew, In France, Or Elsewhere; But The Plates Were Not

Presented With Much Order. Our Young Ladies Did Not Seem To Be

Much Used To Do The Honours Of The Table. The Most Extraordinary

Circumstance That I Observed On This Occasion--As, That All The

French Who Were Present Ate Of Every Dish That Appeared; And I Am

Told, That If There Had Been An Hundred Articles More, They Would

Have Had A Trial Of Each. This Is What They Call Doing Justice To

The Founder. Mons. L--Y Was Placed At The Head Of The Table And 

Indeed He Was The Oracle And Orator Of The Company; Tall, Thin,

And Weather-Beaten, Not Unlike The Picture Of Don Quixote After

He Had Lost His Teeth. He Had Been Garde Du Corps, Or Life-Guardman

At Versailles; And By Virtue Of This Office He Was

Perfectly Well Acquainted With The Persons Of The King And The

Dauphin, With The Characters Of The Ministers And Grandees, And,

In A Word, With All The Secrets Of State, On Which He Held Forth

With Equal Solemnity And Elocution. He Exclaimed Against The

Jesuits, And The Farmers Of The Revenue, Who, He Said, Had Ruined

France. Then, Addressing Himself To Me, Asked, If The English Did

Not Every Day Drink To The Health Of Madame La Marquise? I Did

Not At First Comprehend His Meaning; But Answered In General,

That The English Were Not Deficient In Complaisance For The

Ladies. "Ah! (Cried He) She Is The Best Friend They Have In The

World. If It Had Not Been For Her, They Would Not Have Such

Reason To Boast Of The Advantages Of The War." I Told Him The

Only Conquest Which The French Had Made In The War, Was Atchieved

By One Of Her Generals: I Meant The Taking Of Mahon. But I Did

Not Choose To Prosecute The Discourse, Remembering That In The

Year 1749, I Had Like To Have Had An Affair With A Frenchman At

Ghent, Who Affirmed, That All The Battles Gained By The Great

Duke Of Marlborough Were Purposely Lost By The French Generals,

In Order To Bring The Schemes Of Madame De Maintenon Into

Disgrace. This Is No Bad Resource For The National Vanity Of

These People: Though, In General, They Are Really Persuaded, That

Theirs Is The Richest, The Bravest, The Happiest, And The Most

Powerful Nation Under The Sun; And Therefore, Without Some Such

Cause, They Must Be Invincible. By The Bye, The Common People

Here Still Frighten Their Wayward Children With The Name Of

Marlborough. Mr. B--'S Son, Who Was Nursed At A Peasant's House,

Happening One Day, After He Was Brought Home, To Be In Disgrace

With His Father, Who Threatened To Correct Him, The Child Ran For

Protection To His Mother, Crying, "Faites Sortir Ce Vilaine

Malbroug," "Turn Out That Rogue Marlborough." It Is Amazing To

Hear A Sensible Frenchman Assert, That The Revenues Of France

Amount To Four Hundred Millions Of Livres, About Twenty Millions

Sterling, Clear Of All Incumbrances, When In Fact Their Clear

Revenue Is Not Much Above Ten. Without All Doubt They Have Reason

To Inveigh Against The Fermiers Generaux, Who Oppress The People

In Raising The Taxes, Not Above Two-Thirds Of Which Are Brought

Into The King's Coffers: The Rest Enriches Themselves, And

Enables Them To Bribe High For The Protection Of The Great, Which

Is The Only Support They Have Against The Remonstrances Of The

States And Parliaments, And The Suggestions Of Common Sense;

Which Will Ever Demonstrate This To Be, Of All Others, The Most

Pernicious Method Of Supplying The Necessities Of Government.

Mons. L--Y Seasoned The Severity Of His Political Apothegms With

Intermediate Sallies Of Mirth And Gallantry. He Ogled The

Venerable Gentlewoman His Commere, Who Sat By Him. He Looked,

Sighed, And Languished, Sung Tender Songs, And Kissed The Old

Lady's Hand With All The Ardour Of A Youthful Admirer. I 

Unfortunately Congratulated Him On Having Such A Pretty Young

Gentleman To His Son. He Answered, Sighing, That The Boy Had

Talents, But Did Not Put Them To A Proper Use--"Long Before I

Attained His Age (Said He) I Had Finished My Rhetoric." Captain

B--, Who Had Eaten Himself Black In The Face, And, With The

Napkin Under His Chin, Was No Bad Representation Of Sancho Panza

In The Suds, With The Dishclout About His Neck, When The Duke's

Scullions Insisted Upon Shaving Him; This Sea-Wit, Turning To The

Boy, With A Waggish Leer, "I Suppose (Said He) You Don't

Understand The Figure Of Amplification So Well As Monsieur Your

Father." At That Instant, One Of The Nieces, Who Knew Her Uncle

To Be Very Ticklish, Touched Him Under The Short Ribs, On Which

The Little Man Attempted To Spring Up, But Lost The Centre Of

Gravity. He Overturned His Own Plate In The Lap Of The Person

That Sat Next To Him, And Falling Obliquely Upon His Own Chair,

Both Tumbled Down Upon The Floor Together, To The Great

Discomposure Of The Whole Company; For The Poor Man Would Have

Been Actually Strangled, Had Not His Nephew Loosed His Stock With

Great Expedition. Matters Being Once More Adjusted, And The

Captain Condoled On His Disaster, Mons. L--Y Took It In His Head

To Read His Son A Lecture Upon Filial Obedience. This Was Mingled

With Some Sharp Reproof, Which The Boy Took So Ill That He

Retired. The Old Lady Observed That He Had Been Too Severe: Her

Daughter-In-Law, Who Was Very Pretty, Said Her Brother Had Given

Him Too Much Reason; Hinting, At The Same Time, That He Was

Addicted To Some Terrible Vices; Upon Which Several Individuals

Repeated The Interjection, Ah! Ah! "Yes (Said Mons. L--Y, With A

Rueful Aspect) The Boy Has A Pernicious Turn For Gaming: In One

Afternoon He Lost, At Billiards, Such A Sum As Gives Me Horror To

Think Of It." "Fifty Sols In One Afternoon," (Cried The Sister).

"Fifty Sols! (Exclaimed The Mother-In-Law, With Marks Of

Astonishment) That's Too Much--That's Too Much!--He's To Blame--

He's To Blame! But Youth, You Know, Mons. L--Y--Ah! Vive La

Jeunesse!"--"Et L'amour!" Cried The Father, Wiping His Eyes,

Squeezing Her Hand, And Looking Tenderly Upon Her. Mr. B-- Took

This Opportunity To Bring In The Young Gentleman, Who Was

Admitted Into Favour, And Received A Second Exhortation. Thus

Harmony Was Restored, And The Entertainment Concluded With Fruit,

Coffee, And Liqueurs.

When A Bourgeois Of Boulogne Takes The Air, He Goes In A One-Horse

Chaise, Which Is Here Called Cabriolet, And Hires It For

Half-A-Crown A Day. There Are Also Travelling Chaises, Which Hold

Four Persons, Two Seated With Their Faces To The Horses, And Two

Behind Their Backs; But Those Vehicles Are All Very Ill Made, And

Extremely Inconvenient. The Way Of Riding Most Used In This Place

Is On Assback. You Will See Every Day, In The Skirts Of The Town,

A Great Number Of Females Thus Mounted, With The Feet On Either

Side Occasionally, According As The Wind Blows, So That Sometimes

The Right And Sometimes The Left Hand Guides The Beast: But In

Other Parts Of France, As Well As In Italy, The Ladies Sit On

Horseback With Their Legs Astride, And Are Provided With Drawers