Kevin's Story by Kevin S (librera reader txt) 📕

That would happen three, four, even five times a night.
It really got bad when they started to happen in the day time.
I would be staring at the TV and the next thing I knew It was happening again. I could feel the knife, I could hear it again. I don’t know how long I was out of it, but it took a long time to come back. And I would be just shaking, had trouble holding a cig. There was never any warning; one second I’m watching the TV and the next I fighting for my life again. This happened two to three times a day. I would take a long time for my heart to slow down.
As they started to wean me off the pain meds, the dreams just got worse. I would take hours to fall asleep again. I was so wound up that any little thing would set me off. I was later told it was normal. Sure as hell didn’t feel like that to me.
After a month of pain meds I was taken off them completely. I still had a great deal of pain, and Alieve just was not working. They did not want me to be alone, on the meds. I’m sure they also knew of my history of suicide. They took me off. Now I had to deal with the physical pain, and the mental. The dreams were tearing me apart; I was not getting any real sleep.
My coming off alcohol also made the not sleeping worse. I was starting to get real tired, but I was afraid to go to sleep. The terror was waiting for me.
I had been sober for almost two months, I thought I would try and keep it going.
I was so depressed, I knew in my heart that I deserve to be killed. I was a waste of air. I have always known that I was not supposed to be here. It had to be my fault I was stabbed; I had done or not done something. If I had done it, I would still be apart of the world, well this time it was true I was not wanted by anyone. Even the one person I thought loved me thought I needed to die.
I could not face it any more, the mental pain was unbearable.
I had no where to go, not sleep, not even awake I was not safe. the TV I could not concentrate, I would try to watch and the realize that I had no idea what I had just watched.
No one came to see me there wasn’t anyone to come. So I was locked away, getting so freaked out that I was desperate for, I didn’t know. I knew no one cared, everyone, me including me would be better off if I had died. I just didn’t know what to do. There was no one to call. I couldn’t ask for help, real men stand on their own two feet.
I did know one thing that would help; I called a cab and went to the liquor store. The ride hurt like hell, every bump made me want to scream, it felt like someone was sticking a knife in me...lol when I got to the store I remember thinking I’ll buy a big bottle, then I won’t have to come back so fast. So I bought a 1.75i, thinking this will last me for 3-4 days.
I got home and hit the bottle hard, all the mental and physical pain eased up. I got very drunk. When I woke up the next morning, I needed a drink. I had the shakes and the pain was coming back, so I got drunk, when I woke up I needed a drink.... By the second morning I knew I was going to need more, so I called a cab and went to the liquor store. I did this for about a week I later found out Katie, my daughter, and her mother, Betsy, were checking up on me. They were getting very worried about me. I’m told I would be awake when they came over, I don’t remember any of that. I told them I want to die and to go away. I don’t know how many times they came over. The meals on wheels food was piled up next to the front door. I didn’t want food I wanted to just die. I even made Betsy, my first wife, go get me a bottle, it was either that Or I was going myself.
I don’t know if I could have made it. I hadn’t eating in days, I was still in physical pain, and I really wanted to die. I should have never been born, I was a mistake, and I needed to make all of this stop. And the dreams still came, or so I’m told. Katie stayed with me for some time. and witnessed a couple of them. That was when she decided that I had to be under professional care. They called 911, the police knew who I was, what the story was.
So September 16Th 2003, I woke up in detox, thinking how in hell did I get here. I had been in my bed. The staff gave me vague answers. They held me for the full 72 hours, when they were up and I wanted out, I had some drinking and dying to do and these people were in my way. I had been a guest there over a hundred times. They and every treatment center, had me down as untreatable, which mean the sober you up and let you go, they don’t even try to help you.
So I started to squawk about my rights, and that they could not hold me for more than the 72 hours, and it was up in 2 hours.
Right at the 72 hour mark, they told me I was going to be committed to Detox for 90 days; I asked how they could do that, they didn’t have any family to make the motion to the court. They gave me some bull shit about the court decided to step in. I yelled and which of my doctors signed, they told me three different ones. when asked who started it Betsy my ex wife did. I really started to yell then; She has no right to any say about me. SHE IS MY EX, don’t you understand. Again more vague answers. I went off. So much so that I ended up in four point restraints with an ass full of Haldol, a very powerful trank that they give to violent drunks, or drug users.
About three days later, at least I think it was three days, it all is very vague. I don’t think I was in touch with reality then.
After three days, they told me someone wanted to see me... I asked who, they told me Betsy and Katie, I went off again. “what does that bitch want, to rub it in? OH hell no I don’t want to see her. They went away, in a couple of minutes they came back, I was pacing around with two attendants watching me very closely. They asked if it would Be alright if Katie came in to talk to me. With that all the wind came out of my sails I said yes.
Katie came in looking frightened, I tried to put her at ease, until I found out it was me she was afraid of. If was feeling low and worthless before. it became a hundreds times worse. My Baby Kates was afraid of me. We talked for awhile, I have no idea what we talked about, my mind was screaming you worthless piece shit your baby girl is afraid of you. You’re supposed to keep her from harm.
Just before she left she put her arms around me and whisper “Daddy I don’t want you to die”, then she was gone.
After she left, I thought if she still wanted me to be her Daddy. I had to give this sober shit a real honest try.
That was just over four years ago.


The following day, my ridiculous proposal was accepted, but not before I had queried him about the unexplained incidents in his story, including where his funds for Meals on Wheels and a hotel room had come from, and he replied, like the earnest fellow I was finding him out to be.

My Aunt Judy

My Aunt Judy, AJ for short, was my father’s younger and only sibling. AJ was never able to have children, of her own. So she adopted me. She was also very smart and determined woman. She started out being an operator for the Bell Telephone co. even before AT&T was formed. The phone company sent her to school, for training. She got the equalivent of a college degree. And advanced is the engineering area of the phone company. She was sent all over the country helping to switch the phone company from rotary dial to touch tone. She was in charge of turning the whole city of Atlanta GA, to touch tone. She had invented a piece of equipment that would test every line in the city for its proper function. She was named employee of the year for that and nice bonus, plus a corner office. After the award she mostly taught others to use the equipment.
She was a very smart woman. You had better have your wits about you if you wished to cross swords with her. But hard to talk to sometimes, she was not afraid of silence. So there could be long breaks in the conversation, which could become uncomfortable when I was calling her for money. I could hear the wheels turning in her head, “is the kid lying to me”? Which, while I was drinking, I did more often than I care to think about. I also tried to lie to her by omission, I don’t know for sure, but I think she saw through all the bull, and helped anyway.
AJ was about 5’6” with auburn hair and hazel eyes. An had a half
smile that made you wonder what she was up to. She also had a look that made you think she could see deep into you. Her bullshit detector was always turned up high.
She also was the source of all good things. She was in high school when I was born. She more or less adopted me. She, and her first husband, Uncle Dan lived in Milwaukee WI. For most of my early life, they came to our house almost every weekend. And when ever they did come, something fun was bound to happen. She taught me all the fun things in life. She taught me about fun stuff like bowling and golf. She bought me my first new bike, it was a Schwinn three speed, and I loved it. And she gave me my first car, it was her old one, but she bought a new one and gave me her old one, A 1966 Ford Galaxy 500. I loved her a great deal and would get excited about their coming, by about Wednesday. I remember, when I was little, sitting out side when they were due to arrive, and then go running through the house yelling “their here “. Uncle Dan was my buddy; he and I got into mischief nothing serious. When I was old enough he would let me smoke, when I was with him. He never tried to be authority figure. We just had fun. Things like