I Hate You (On-Hold) by Chloe Knox (great reads txt) 📕

Brandon’s P.O.V.

My guy friends ran over to me the moment Tanya had decided to knee me in my downstairs are. Boy it hurt like a mother fucker!
No girl as ever done that to me before! I’ve never even been hit there during a sport or anything! Never! So when she…god! It freakin hurts! It stings, there’s this non-stop ringing in my left ear, and guess what my friends are doing to help me….NOTHING! Their just laughing their freakin asses off and are rolling on the floor imitating me.
I moaned in pain as I held my junk just hoping the pain would stop…or at least decrease…then I thought of Tanya…but not Tanya in general…her book.

I could still see the perfect drawing in my head. It was amazing and beautiful, yet depressing and sad at the same time.
It had been a drawing of this girl…it was a portrait, a self portrait! Tanya was sitting in a corner, her black hair dangling in her face. She was wearing a huge black sweatshirt and underwear and was clutching her knees to her chest in the most vulnerable and sad position I had ever seen. Most of the background was nothing but scribbles of black that were closing in on her, as if she were suffocating…but there was one strand of light that shined through the darkness and lit up only the slightest part of her face. Only part of one eye was visible in the picture, past her hair and the darkness, and one single black tear was falling over her cheek…and I’ll never forget what it said at the bottom of the page in perfect cursive letters:

I’m ugly inside and out! I’m hopeless! I’m alone! I’m no longer a princess! There’s no such thing as Prince Charming! There’s no longer any Superheroes or Guardian Angels! I have no Fairy God Mother! I’m just a sad, lonely, pathetic, clumsy, pest! I’m in head deep, lost! Too deep and too lost to be helped by any Prince Charming! Any Superhero! Any Guardian Angel! Or any Fairy God Mother! I’m not even worth it!

And under this passage of writing was a knife dripping blood that zigzagged through the words! The heartbreaking words of poor Tanya!
What was wrong with her? Why did she feel this way?
How does she not know how beautiful she is? How can she say she’s ugly, inside AND out? How can she not have hope? How far deep and lost can this poor girl? How can she believe that she’s not worth being saved? That she’s not worth anyone’s attention, or love? She’s smart, beautiful, talented…why doesn’t she see that?
I ignored the pain, and I ignored my obnoxious friends’ laughter and watched Tanya’s back as she ran out of the cafeteria her long black hair flowing behind her. I hadn’t meant to hurt her. I didn’t realize that what I did make her upset. I didn’t even realize she was hurting in general. I had always just thought she was one of those shy and quiet girls.
Well…now I knew why she never wore short sleeves. Know I knew why when ever I’d see her at the pool over the summer, she’d never actually swim. She’s just lie under a tree with her nose in that sketch pad of hers, despite how many times Nicki would try to convince her to hop in. Now I knew everything, and I was going to fix it.
I might not be Prince Charming! I’m might not be a Superhero or a Guardian Angel! And I sure as hell ain’t no Fairy God Mother! But I will save her! I will help her! She can count on me!

Tanya's P.O.V.

Ring! Ring! Ring!
“Hey.”
I looked from the black hole of text books and crumpled paper that I call a locker and to Brandon, my brows furrowed and my lips in a frown, “What do you want from me, Brandon! Seriously! Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
All day ever since lunch Brandon won’t leave me alone. He’s pretty much following me around like a lost puppy. So yeah, I’ll admit there’s a part of me that likes the attention. Who doesn’t want one of the hottest guys in school following them around…but him? He’s giving me attention for the wrong reasons. All he wants is to know about how horrible my life is so he can go to his friends and brag.
“Look, you need help, Tanya. You need to see a physiatrist or something—“
I slammed my locker when my hand twitched to avoid slapping him in the face, “You don’t know me! You don’t know my life!”
“Well obviously it’s not that good if you’re cutting yourself!”
I went agape as I slapped him on the shoulder, “Will you shut up! I don’t want the whole school to know about it! If anyone finds out—if you tell anyone, everybody’s going to think I’m depressed.” I whispered aggressively as I looked up and down the halls at the hundreds of students at their lockers and chatting on and on about the latest gossip. My name was the last thing I wanted on everyone’s minds let alone lips.
“But you are depressed.”
“No I’m not,” I growled back through gritted teeth.
Brandon laughed in disbelief, “Oh, so you just hurt yourself for fun? Is that it? You get pleasure from hurting yourself?”
My cheeks grew warm as I felt the tears come. I tried to hold them back, but it was too late. I had let my guard slip for one second and now I couldn’t bring my wall back up. It was almost like they just faded away! I quickly looked to my side and into my locker, just to advert my stare. I might not like Brandon, but I still don’t want him to see me cry. If he notices—which I’m sure he already has—he’ll tell his friend’s that he made “Miss. Emo, cry!”
I took in a jagged breath as tears poured over my cheeks and down my neck. I began to sob, but quickly bit the inside of my cheek to muffle the noise! If anyone saw this, my life would be screwed, even more than it already was.
“Why do you do it, Tanya?”
After a moment of holding back my sobs and hiccups I whispered, “It numbs me.”
“I can’t hear you, Tanya.” Brandon said with a slight chuckle as he took a step closer to me so that no one could hear us talking. I took in another deep breath and turned to look at him. His brown eyes which I usually described as mud brown now seemed fluorescent with worry and concern. They were a caramel chocolate brown that for reasons that I don’t quite understand made me want to trust him.
I had already explained all this to Nicki, but she couldn’t do anything to help me. She’s never been in my position and so all she could do was say “It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay.” Her support still wasn’t enough. Maybe…maybe all I needed was one more person to talk too. Maybe he wasn’t as bad as I thought he was. Maybe he did care. Maybe he would listen.
“It numbs me,” I repeated as a tear rolled down my face and into the crease of my lips. I could taste the nasty saltiness of it and I held back the erg to wipe all the wetness on my cheeks away.
“It-it numbs you? From what?” he asked as he leaned against the locker next to me.
“It numbs my emotional hurt…and forces me to focus on the physical hurt.”
Brandon squinted at me in confusion, “What do you mean?”
“When I…cut…it makes me forget about why I was upset…and instead…makes me feel the physical pain of the cut. It takes away the emotional pain….it numbs me,” I whispered with a shrug.
There was a long silence, and I just wanted to run away. Brandon was just staring at me with those chocolate—not mud—brown eyes, as I cried. He was just watching me, as more and more and more tears flowed, “That’s not good.”
I laughed through the pain and tears, “No shit, Sherlock.”
A small half-smile appeared on Brandon’s face. He raised his hand to my face and I innately flinched thinking he might hit me.
I watched his big callused hand hesitate, before finally brushing the tears off my right cheek. I didn’t move, didn’t speak. I just stood still, motionless, frozen.
“I can help you.”
“My best friend couldn’t help me…and I don’t even like you, so…”
Another small half-smile spread across Brandon’s face, “You can’t just hold it in and confide in one person—“
“She’s my best friend! You? You ignored me my whole life, and now all of a sudden you want to help me? I barley know you!
“I didn’t realize that you were upset! I’m trying to help you! You can’t just ignore me!”
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Went the bell signaling the end of locker time and the beginning of last period.
“You want a bet!” I whispered as I pulled away from his hand and walked away to study hall.

Tanya's P.O.V.

“Hey, mom?”