If He Only Knew by Shy Shy (good books to read for young adults .txt) 📕

"Well, if you really want to be technical about it, you found him."

"What?!"

"Remember the doctor who did her surgery right after the shooting?"

"Doctor Spencer?  She married Doctor Spencer?"

"Yes Lance, and she's happy now, very happy."

 I don't know what I was thinking.  I am miserable, I am lost, I am alone.  I wanted to get rid of the heartache, by getting rid of him.  I only got rid of myself, out of my son's life.  I am nobody now.  I don't even remember what I look like.  He is still alive, living his life with her, I imagine. How can I do 20 years?  I can't do it, I can't do it.

Nicola pulled her notebook from under her hard thin mattress.  She began to pin a note.  It had been two years and she was finally broken.  She tried to keep her head up and look forward to an appeal, a sentence modification, anything.  She at least hoped to have her attempted murder charge plead down to an assault charge.  The judge wouldn't have it.  She just wanted to explain that she lost it.  She was a damaged woman whom felt her life had been ruined by this man and this woman who he loved more than her for some reason.  She just couldn't comprehend at the time that her life wasn't ruined, but ultimately, she ruined her life.  She wasted all her good talents that she had to offer the world all because she didn't know how to walk away, let go and live.  All these thoughts continuously drove Nicola into a deep dark depression.

When the officer came to do her rounds, she handed her a sealed, stamped envelope and asked for it to be sent out in the mail.  Once the officer left, knew she had at least 30 minutes until she would see any officer walk by and check on her again.  Nicola used a razor she had taped under the metal pole of the bed.  She stripped the sheet from top to bottom in half.  Wrapping it around the bar of the window and twisting it tight, she looked blank.  Wrapping the garment around her throat and notting it, she then took the razor and sliced through her wrists.  She stood there wondering why she could not feel it.  She was numb.  Suddenly everything just went dark.  As her body slumped and she passed out from losing so much blood, her back slid down the wall.  the homemade rope hung only inches from the window bar.  Her body convulsing, Nicola, for the final time seemed to cry as tears streamed down her cheeks.

Vanessa opened the mailbox and saw that there was a letter from Westpointe Correctional Institution.  It was for her brother Lance.  Lance had only been home three months.  He did a little time, but in that time, it seemed like he did a lot of thinking.  He hadn't once had a woman over to the house, or stayed out with one since he came home.  He was working, and making pretty good money.  Vanessa was concerned about him though.  He seemed to be deeply depressed; perhaps over Michelle moving on with her life and never responding to his attempt to contact her.

"Lance, you have a letter."

"Oh yeah?  From who?

"Your stalker."

"Lance rolled his eyes, took the envelope and tossed it in the trash."

"I guess that's what I get for letting her come over here.  This trash is non-stop.  She tried to kill us."

"Lance, you haven't read one letter.  She might be trying to apologize.  She might need some closure.  Hell, you need some closure.  Maybe an apology can help your sad ass."

Vanessa walked out the door.  It was Saturday and the sun was out.  Lance had a long week of work and he just wanted to relax.  A beer sounded good.  He wondered what Michelle was up to.  He had found her new number in Vanessa's phone when she let him use it for a call one day.  He memorized it and wrote it down.  He hadn't had the nerve yet to call her.  He knew he shouldn't, but he still didn't think that she should have moved on so fast.  He was sure it had to be for the money, hell, she married a doctor.

He grabbed a beer from the refridgerator.  He thought of how lonely he was, mostly because he was on house arrest.  Maybe because of his heartache.  He messed up bad.  Opening the beer, he looked down at the trash can and picked up the letter from Nikki.  He carried it upstairs to his room and opened the letter.

Dear Lance,

I cannot believe that after all this time, I still haven't heard from you.  It has been torture, day by day, I watch the officer hand out letters from loved ones to the other women in this place and not one of them from you to me.  When I heard you were released for your parole violation, I was angry.  Knowing you were confined just like me, I wasn't worried about what you were doing out there with anyone else, but you always came back to me, I was always your go to girl.  I immediately placed you name on my visiting list and wrote you a letter, I even called your sister's house.  I really needed to see you.  There is something that I needed to tell you in person, but I vowed that if you never talked to me again, then you would never know. Well now is the time I guess.  I know you don't care and I don't expect you to.  My life is ruined, I don't have one.  The decision I made was so that another person would not grow up and be embarassed of what I have become.  I had a baby girl eight months after my incarceration.  I named her Harmony, because I wanted her to live a peaceful, loving life, and because I wanted that for her, I decided to have a closed adoption.  I didn't want her to know who I was, until she is eighteen and has made the choice herself, and if she knew you, she would know me too, so I told them that I didn't know the father.

I wanted to tell you face to face because without your consent, if you stepped up and wanted to challenge the adoption, you could, but you never even gave a rat's ass as to how I was holding up in here, because now that I am in jail, there is nothing you can use me for.  You've left me all alone.  Do you know the really fucked up part about all of this Lance?  Michelle wrote me a letter and asked to see me.  When she saw me, I could see part of the scar on her left shoulder from the bullet I put in her.  I couldn't believe that I would do something like that.  I expected her to hate me, but she didn't.  She told me that she forgave me and prayed for me.  That should have been my deliverence Lance, but it wasn't because, I wanted you to forgive me too.  Forgive me for trying to kill you, forgive me for not telling that I was pregnant with your child, and forgiveness for letting another family raise her.  I cannot even forgive myself and since you won't, I am tired of the torture and I must say goodbye.  I hate you now for what you are making me do.

Love & Hate Forever and Ever,

Nicola

Publication Date: 11-06-2014

All Rights Reserved