To love and to lose by pumpkin1997 (recommended reading .txt) 📕

to love and to lose

reduced to half
my husband and best friend were gone.i collapsed on the floor.i didnt har them approach until esme wrapped her arms around me.jasper knelt down infront of me.
"what happened bella?"
"when we spilt up,there were too many of them.we were each caught in a cirlce of newborns.edwards died first.then alice was destroyed saving me.she distarcted them,giving me enough time to run.there dead."jaspers face held all the pain and grief that i was feeling.we all sat and watched the fire burn all night and into the early hours of the morning.
"i think we should go now,"rosalie said,standing up.i got up pulling esme with me and we all ran home.everyone sat in the living room,not talking or doing anything.

we were all grieving.alice was our hope.the person who always there and never gave up on anyone.edward was trusting and had a good soul.the second in command as it were.my vampire in a silver volvo.none of them would see another day,hold there loved ones again.
"what are we going to say?we havent got any bodies.how are we going to explain were edward and alice are?what are we going to tell everyone?"rosalie asked
"the truth,"i whispered"that they're dead,"
"a car crash."emmett suggested"there was a crash and the car caught fire.we could use alices porche."
i saw jasper shaking his head
"no.we'll use edward volvo."
"are you sure bella?"i nodded
"yes,i dont want the reminder.i dont want it if i cant have its owner."they all noded.
"rose,emmett can you take car of it?fake a car crah and fire."
"of course esme."

a week later we had the funeral.emmett had run back and gathered the ashes.most of forks was there,including some of the wolves.charlie stood up and started talking about how they would be greatly missed.he had no idea.we had to spend an eternity without them.after that everyone came back to the cullen house.there was tea and sandwiches that we all had to eat and drink.jasper snuck of to his room and esme was being rather still and quiet.so it was up to me,emmett and rosalie to keep up the human act.i excused myself to go check on jasper.he was sat on the sofa,staring blankly at the wall.
"jasper,i know how you feel but we have to keep acting."
"why bella?ive been acting for years and what has it given me?a dead wife and brother."
"they would want you to.alice wouldnt want you to throw away your life."
"fine.i will go to school,act human and then come home."i walked out of the room and down the stairs.carlisle was in the kitchen.
"me and jasper would like to return to school soon carlisle.we need the distraction."carlisle nodded"you dont have to be strong all the time carlisle.i know you miss them to."
"i have to be bella.edward was the first of my children,my companion.alice was well alice.i miss them and wish nothing more than to turn back time and take there places but i cant."
"so what is this.guilt?carlisle you werent there when they were destroyed.if anyone is to blame then it is me.if i had not run then might of survived.if i had stayed and fought then maybe things would be different."carlisle held my shoulders
"no bella.if you hadnt run then you would of been killed to."

school
life continued in the cullen household but things were wrong.esme refused to make eye contact with me,jasper was in his room a lot,emmett anc rosalie never talked and carlisle was an empty shell.physically there but not mentally.we went to school in rosalie car.forks high school.were it all started.i got out of the car and was met by pitying eyes.i guess for once the cullens didnt look so bright anymore.everyone thought that id just lost a husband and jasper a wife,but they were wrong.the love went deeper than that.we'd lost our destinys.

i was 19 so had similiar lessons to emmett and rosalie.6 dull lessons that didnt challenge me atual.i looked down at my timetable.

cival war-history ept
wood work
IT
GYM
physchology
biology

i dreaded the last two.biology was were edward and i only decided to do physchology because of alice.jasper was in my cival war class.rosalie my IT and emmett in Gym and biology.
at lunch we sat at a table together.picking at trays of uneaten food.a boy who i knew as ben miller came over.
"im sorry for the loss of alice and edward but its theyre fault really.they always drive so fast and never watch where there going.it was bound to happen."i growled at him.rosalie held my arm while emmett had a arm across my chest.he spoke to ben.
"you are a worse driver than either of them wer ben.if you so mauch as say alices or edwards name again than i will personally drive my truck into your car making sure you are locked inside."ben backed away.


go now
when we got home all the others ran off.i walked inside the house and found a note addressed to me.

bella,
ive always considered you my daughter and before any of this happened you were.but since edward and alices death youve changed.the light which you once held has gone.i thought you would bind this family together,make us finally complete.you would of but not now.so before any more damage is done,i ask you to leave.this house and this family.we have all gone out in order to give you time to pack.goodbye
esme

i ran upstairs packed my bags and sat on the sofa.i would wait for them to get home.i wanted to hear it from esme herself.hear the words for my mother.
two hours later a 2 cars pulled up outside.i stood up as everyone walked in.
"bella."
"what is this!20 years ago you made me a cullen and now youre....disowning me!"
"yes bella.i formally disown you if thats what you want."
"want.it is hardly what i want esme.ive tried but its so hard."
"its hard on all of us bella.but we make an effort."
"i have been.but youve been ignoring me.desperateley trying not to make eye contact with me foor weeks.so guess what mother.i take it back,this whole life.im no longer a cullen.i never truly was.i am isabella marie swan."

i ran to italy to italy.to the volturi,to aro.
"ahhh bella,what can i do for you?"
"i wish to die."
"no what may i ask would bring this on?"i stepped forward,offering my hand to aro
"see for yourself,"he took my hand and there a minute later dropped it.
"i will not destroy you but if you are not happy with your lot,come join us.we would be happy to have you."
"i accept aro.after all where else is there to go?"


guard
i had been with aro for 10 years.i would go out and destroy newborn vampires for him and destroy them when they were brought here.
someone knocked my door.
"come in,"
"aro wishes to see you in the main hall."
"thank you alec.is it another newborn?"
"no not this time."he said.i walked into the main hall.i looked straight ahead at aro.
"did you break your phone again aro,so you had to send alec to get me?"
he laughed"actually caius crushed it.said the constant beeping was annoying."
"you could just put it on silent."
"suppose.now down to business.we found a male vampire on a killing spree in canada.demetri bring him out!"
demetri appeared wrestling a tall blond haired boy.i studied his face.
"jasper!"i shouted,making him look up at me
"bella,"he whispered
"aro please dont make me destroy him.let him live please for me."
"hes a killer bella.if i let him go then he will continue his killing spree."
"i am not suggesting that you let him go,just live.i will look after him and see that he causes no more harm."
"okay for you isabella he will live."i left.demetri dargged jasper behind me and threw him into my room.
"thank you demetri i can take it from here,"i said closing the door.jasper was sitting on the floor.his hair was knotted and his eyes were a vibrant red.i knelt next to him.
"jasper have a shower and i will find you some clean clothes,"i said pointing towards the bathroom.he got up and walked into the room.i got my phone out and called alec.
"hello,"
"hi alec its bella,"
"hi bella what may i do for you."
"could you bring me some mens clothes please,"
"of course i will have gina bring them over to you."
"thanks alec."
"anytime,"
2 minutes later there was a knock at my door.i opened it.
"clothes from alec,"gina said handing me a pile of clothes.
2send my thanks,"i said shutting the door.
"jasper i need to go out for a minute.your clothes are outside the bathroom door.im trusting you."i said walking out of my room.i went to see aro.
"aro i have come to ask permission for jasper to follow the same diet as me."
"of course if it will stop him going mad."
"thank you."i said running back to my room.jasper was sat with his ffet up on the chair his head resting on his knees.i went over and sat on a chair near him.
"jasper what happened?"
"you dont want to know,"
"but i need to know.i saved you and now i want to know why you needed saving?"
"carlisle and esme split up closely followed by emmett and rose.i lived with carlisle but it was strange.he never called me his son anymore and he never talked to anyone unless he had to.it was like he had given up.they were all like that.they had all given up.esmes deleted every number or way of contacting any of us,emmetts dissapeared,rose answers the phone but dosent say anything and carlisle just ignores it.there emotions were to much and i couldnt tell anyone.i felt weak so i thought drinking human blood would make me strong again.i didnt work so after that i went and killed every human i saw trying to find the one whos blood would make me strong again.the fact that none of my family had come after me mad me angrier which meant i killed more.now i realise that it didnt make me stronger.it made me weaker.made me back into jasper whitlcock,marias soldier.but now i cant get out of it.im trapped!"jasper kept running his hands throung his hair.i grabbed his hands
"dont talk like youve given up jasper!i wont let you give up!"i shouted at him.he nodded his head.we were silent for a while.
"bella what are you hiding?"
"okay.i have another gift as well as my shield.i can create sort of illusions."
"show me."
"i clicked my fingers and a firewirk shot out of them,flying up and then returning back to air.
"ok i beieve you,"jasper said
"so what am i going to do now?"he asked
"well you now work for me."i said
"and whats your job?"
"i destroy newborns and other vampires who are out of control,"i saw his face drop"you dont have to kill jasper.i know thats what maria got you to do."
"i want to help you,after all you saved me."i smiled.
"jasper where are they.i just need to make sure that theyre alright?"jasper closed his eyes.
"carlisles at the old house,emmetts in forks,rose and esme are living in the opposite ends of canada."
"okay im going to visit then tomorrow."
"ill go see rose and esme.i know you dont like them still,"
"thanks but you might slip up."
"i promise that i wont.ill travel at night so theres less of a chance."


my father
i ran on the edge of forks.the place that held so man memories for me.meeting edward,the accident on my 18th birthday,when edward left,when he changed me,when he died and when i left the cullen clan.everyone i