Those El Paso Stars by Stephen McKinney (best ereader for pdf txt) 📕

straight was criticized, hated. He had thought countless times about telling someone. But every time, he decided not to. His parents would surely kick him out of their house if they knew. From what had transpired during his English presentation, he knew that his schoolmates would never stop making fun of him if he were to tell them. He had never met anyone else who was gay. It was hard for Sawyer. He always felt uncomfortable, he always felt alone. All Sawyer wanted was someone to love, and more, for someone to love him. The warm tears felt good, running down his cheeks on this chilly night. He picked his head up and looked up at the stars. Sawyer imagined being one, shining in a sky where gay or straight didn’t exist. But the sound of thunder in the distance snapped Sawyer and his dreams back to reality. He steadied himself, wiped the last of the tears from his cheeks, and began walking back home.
The next morning, Sawyer woke up late. He scrambled to throw on some clothes, gather his things, and run to the bus stop. He arrived right as the bus opened its doors. Sweating, Sawyer got on the bus and took a seat next to the same girl he had sat by the previous morning.
“I can’t believe these fucking busses! It should be against the law for the temperature to be this high on a public school bus!” exclaimed the girl. Sawyer looked up at the girl. She was beautiful. She had long blonde hair with sea blue eyes.
“I couldn’t agree with you more”
“Sarah, my name is Sarah.”
“Well, I couldn’t agree with you more, Sarah”. She laughed. For the remainder of the bus ride Sawyer and Sarah continued talking. Sawyer learned that she was a freshman as well. And that she also loved reading. They discussed all kinds of books that they had both had the fortune of reading. But before Sawyer could learn any more about Sarah, the bus stopped at the school. They both walked off the bus together. “Well, goodbye Sawyer, it was very nice chatting with you!”
“You too, Sarah.”
Sawyer walked into school thinking that if he wasn’t gay, Sarah would be the girl for him. Sawyer sat in is classes, looking at the clock, thinking about Sarah. When the time to go to lunch came, Sawyer went to the cafeteria as usual. Unlike every other student in the school, Sawyer hated lunch. Every day he sat in the same spot, alone, and ate his packed lunch. Earlier in the year he tried reading, but it was too loud to concentrate. Sawyer walked into the cafeteria and sat at his usual spot and took out his lunch from his book bag. He started to bite in to his turkey sandwich when he noticed a familiar face across the room. It was Sarah, eating her lunch by herself. He immediately walked over to where she was sitting and took a seat.
“Why are you eating lunch alone?” asked Sawyer.
“Why are you eating lunch alone?” she replied.
“I don’t have many friends here, so I choose to eat by myself.”
“Well, I’m glad you came over because I don’t have a lot of friends here either,” Sarah remarked.
Sawyer and Sarah had one of the best conversations Sawyer could ever remember having. He learned that Sarah was an artist, who didn’t care for football either. She was outgoing, funny, and kind. They talked all throughout lunch, promising each other they would do it more often. They also sat on the bus together, again. Sawyer stepped off the bus feeling for the first time in his life that he had a friend.
The banging of pots and pans in the kitchen filled Sawyer’s ears as he tried to watch TV in the living room. He was watching a nature show on the Discovery Channel that was about the ocean. It was fascinating stuff, to Sawyer. The commercials suddenly appeared on the screen and Sawyer sighed. A commercial for eHarmony, an online matchmaking service, came on. Sawyer never understood why companies like these only advertised to heterosexual people. Happy images of straight couples appeared on the screen. Sawyer wondered if he would ever see happy images of gay or lesbian couples on his TV screen. Probably not, he decided. For some odd reason, Sawyer decided to ask his mother her opinion on the matter.
“Mom, why is it that there are only heterosexual people on the commercials for services like eHarmony?”
“Are you asking why there are no gay or lesbians portrayed in those commercials?” she replied.
“Yes.”
“Well, Sawyer dear, I don’t know the answer to that question, but I’m sure as hell glad they don’t put them in there. Those rats don’t deserve to be on TV.”
Sawyer sat still in his chair. His mother had essentially just called him a rat. He got up and walked into his bedroom, unable to control the tears from falling down his face. Sawyer sat down on his bed and closed his eyes. He thought about what it would be like if he just were to die. If he were to end his life. Then the pain would go away. Then he wouldn’t have to live this lie. Then he could finally be free. He laid down, pulled the covers over his body, and cried himself to sleep.
The next day at school, Sawyer just couldn’t pay attention. He was extremely bored in all of his classes, especially English. Nobody had said anything to Sawyer after he gave his presentation, which relieved him. On this particular day, the class was learning about The Renaissance. Sawyer was sitting at his desk with his head down and couldn’t help but listen in on a conversation a couple of guys sitting next to him were having.
“Dude where did you get it at?”
“I told you, man, I got it yesterday at Gavin’s Guns down the road.”
“You shot anything with it yet?”
“Nah man, not yet.”
“Well I still can’t believe the guy sold a gun to you without a license!”
“Me too man, me too”.
“Wow,” Sawyer thought, freshman being able to buy guns, what a scary thought. But then Sawyer thought back to the night before, when he laid in his bed, contemplating suicide. “Maybe this could be the perfect opportunity. Don’t be stupid, you don’t even know anything about guns,” Sawyer thought to himself. He went back and forth in his head. He didn’t know how else he would perform the act. By the time the bell rang, Sawyer decided he would go after school and buy a gun.
Sawyer jumped off the bus and started sprinting home. The sandy road made him slip and stumble but he made it to his front porch all in one piece. Sawyer ran to his bedroom and went in his closet, searching for his money box. His money box was a shoe box filled with all the money he had saved over the years. He pulled the box out from under some clothes, grabbed all the money, stuffed it in his pocket and ran back out the door. Sawyer went into the shed by his house, pulled out his bike, and he was off. The ride to Gavin’s Guns was a long one. He hesitated several times along the ride, almost turning around, but he had gone a long way, and there was no stopping now. He arrived at Gavin’s, sweating as usual. He walked into the shop, scared. Gavin’s Guns was a different world to Sawyer. He had never held or even seen a gun before. So standing in a store filled with all kinds of different guns was a little nerve wracking to Sawyer. He tried to look confident, to show the guy at the counter he knew what he was doing. He looked at all of the guns, and then at the prices. He wanted to get out of the store as quickly as possible, so he decided on the cheapest one, a small 9 mm handgun.
“I would like to purchase this, along with some ammunition, please” said Sawyer to the employee.
The man at the counter looked at Sawer and said, “Boy, what do you need this for?”
“I’ve been hunting armadillos, sir, and my other gun just broke, so my momma let me come down here today to buy a new one.”
The man looked at Sawyer hesitantly, but eventually agreed. Sawyer paid, thanked the man, and walked out the store. Sawyer took the gun out of the box, put it in his waist and hopped on his bike to head back home.
The evening moved by lightning quick. Sawyer had asked his mom to make his favorite dinner; he wanted his last meal to be meaningful. The family sat at the table and played Two Truths and a Lie, like they always did. Sawyer had a hard time looking his father and mother in the eye, knowing what he was going to do that night. After dinner, Sawyer went back to his room to write a note, the most important note of his life. He had thought about it for a couple of days. It simply read:
Dear World,

If you are reading this, then, I am sorry. I want you all to know that I am a homosexual. I have kept that fact a secret for my whole life. It may be hard for you to understand why I did this, but, it makes perfect sense to me.

Sawyer

P.S. Dad, I am sorry I couldn’t be the son you wanted. If I could go back in time, I would throw the football with you in the yard more often. I love you.

A few tears slowly dropped onto the note as Sawyer folded the piece of paper and placed it inside his back pocket. Sawyer decided he needed to do one last thing before he left. He opened his door and went into his parent’s bedroom where he found his mother and father. He walked up to his mother and gave her a hug, the last one he would ever give her. He said goodnight to his father, and then left them in their room. He retreated to his bedroom. Sawyer put on a jacket, grabbed the gun from his desk drawer, and jumped out the window into the dark night.
It was a chilly, September night. Sawyer walked slowly across the desert, a ritual he had done hundreds of times. It was sad to think that this time though he wouldn’t be walking back. His feet dug into the sand as he got closer and closer. After a short while, he reached his destination, the rock. He was finally there. Sawyer felt calm as he pulled the gun out from his waist. It felt cold in Sawyer’s hands. He looked