Revenge Of The Grinch by Brady H (epub e reader .TXT) 📕

Am i seeing what i think im seeing? A reindeer? It cant be. But its right there in front of me in my backyard. Around the reindeers neck is a collar that says 'Rudolph' that cant be. I think this is a joke. But where did the reindeer come from. This isnt Canada. Its freezing cold. The reindeer is staring at me chewing something. Huh? Something came out of the reindeers mouth. It must have been his breath. But it wasnt. Thats when i noticed it. It was a ciggerette in the mouth of the reindeer. I rubbed my eyes to make sure i wasnt imagining it. I was old enough to know doesnt exist and that reindeers dont smoke! It stepped closer to me. Was it smiling? As a matter of fact it was. The reindeer smiled at me then winked, and threw more smoke from his mouth.
"Hey brotha! Hows it hanging!?" The voice startled me. I slipped on ice on my deck and fell on my butt. The reindeer laughed and trotted up the stairs, its ciggerette inches from my face. He blew in my face. I coughed twice.
"Sorry i startled you man. Shit, i just needed to get rid of my goddamn brothers. Nixon can be a real pain in the ass. 'Hey Rudolph want to play some reindeer games?' You know that really pisses me off! Im just glad i got plastic surgery to get rid of my red nose. I got so much shit for that on the playground. Sheesh!" Rudolph sat down next to me as i rubbed my bottom. He wasnt done talking.
"Santa insisted i keep the red nose. I say hell no! Who are you to talk. That fatass. I swear i saw Mrs. Clause with one of the elves named petie. On one of their breaks i saw them. That petie is one sick little man. He has a nice lookin sister if you know what i mean?"
i was too scared to talk. I had to be dreaming. I brought myself to my feet. As well as Rudolph still working at that ciggerette. When did reindeer smoke?
"So yeah thats that. You want to go for a rid kid? Whats your name?"
I had trouble getting anything out of my mouth. They were blocked in my throat.
"Look kid im very old and dont have all day. Whats the name?"
"Gregg. This is my house. I call it Greggs place." I dont know why i said that last part.
"Greggs place huh? I see, i see. You ever see that one show? Hold on let me think of it. Oh yeah. Youve ever seen the mighty boosh? Ha! Funny ass show!" I told him i have never seen it.
"Come on hop on for a ride! Ill show you a good time. I will show you the world. We will visit the president and leave him a surprise on his doorstep" we both laughed. I hopped on his back and then we were flying high in the sky. I could see everything. It was beautiful.
"See that house right down there?" I nodded, "thats Jay Leno's house. Watch this" Rudolph flew straight down like a bird landing down on Leno's roof without a sound. He told me to wait on the roof. Next he flew off the roof to a seperate building connected to Leno's house.
"His garage!" Rudolph yelled, "Its where he keepa his cars!"
"How are you going to get in?" I asked. He gave me a dirty look. Rudolph smashed the door window with his antlers, then stood on his hind legs and kicked the door down. There was absolutley no sound. Like he never did it at all. He was magic. He flew back up to me and told me to get on. He flew back down to the broken down door and suddenly appearing in his teeth was a spray paint bottle. I shook my head no.
"Oh come on it will be hilarious. He is too ubsessed with his cars," he said walking into the garage. When inside he looked back at me telling me to come. I did.
"Ok. Oh how about that one over there," he motioned to a very old car with his antlers. A 1967 Bel air. He knudged the spray can in my hand with his nose.
"Write something!" He told me. I didnt know what to write. I looked at him confused. Then magically my hand pressed the spray can and i was writing by an invisible force. I tried to stop it but it was impossibel. When it was done writing on the old car Rudolph cracked up laughing. I have to get out of here, i thought. This was no reindeer.
"Who are you?" I said dropping the spray can on the ground.
"Having your suspitions are you?" His voice changed. Instead of cheery it was deep and loud. He jumped on the hood of the car and looked over me. Thats when he changed completely. Instead of a reindeer he turned into an ugly green thing. Then it came to me. The grinch.
"Almost christmas eve, Gregg. We have alot of work to do! Christmas is pathetic! Why should anyone get gifts if i never got any!" He spilt out laughter. He jumped off the car and came inches from my face.
"You know you arnt getting away from this right?" He said spitting in my face. I wiped it off.
"Dont you have a dog to help you rob gifts from innocent children?" I asked taking a step back. He brought his finger to his chin tapping it eyes to the ceiling.
"Ah yes. I do remember that antlered dog! He was a waste of time. Its you who i want Gregg." The Grinch took out a pair of antlers from thin air and forced it on my head. I tried taking them off but couldnt.
"Now come on! We havd work to do!" A green sleigh appeared now. He threw himself in and i followed. Off we went in the air while was held hostage by this green bastard.
Am i ever going to get out of this alive?


Christmas eve came and i was sitting on a sofa in the grinch's cave. I needed to get out of here.
"Need to go to the bathroom before you leave? Its going to be a long night!" He said laughing. I asked him where the bathroom was. He sent me down the hall. I needed to figure out a plan to get out of here. I walked into the bathroom and sat on the toilet thinking of a plan. Thats when a tap came on the window. I jumped. Slowly i crept to the window and drew back the drape. What i saw shocked me. A fat man with a large beard and a red suit floated outside the window. He was in a sleigh. I saw the real Rudolph with his red nose. Santa tapped on the window again and i opened it.
"Santa!" I said excitedly.
"Shh. Keep your voice down son. Now help me get this window out" together me and santa worked at the window. Eventually the window came apart and i sat it on the counter. The window was not big so i had to sqeeze. Half way out of the window the bathroom door smashed open. The grinch ran to the end of the bathroom and tried pulling me back in the bathroom. I kicked hard. Santa had my arm and was pulling me out. I was the rope in a tug of war match. The grich gave up and left the bathroom. Santa pulled me in the sled. Ii was out of breath. Santa grabbed hot coco next to him and handed it to me. I thanked him.
"Whoofta! That was a close one. Off we go!" Santa said and snapped the reigns. When i finished my hot coco i noticed behind me someone on our trail about a football fields length away. It was the grinch. Santa saw it too and slapped the reigns faster. The reindeer pumped their legs faster. The grinch kept gaining more speed. After several minutes of the cat and mouse game the grinch caught up and rammed his sleigh into Santa's. The reindeer were able to keep balance. Once more the grinch rammed his sled into St. Nicks. The reindeer and Santa kept calm. Santa did a sharp u turn. I nearly fell out of the sled, but Santa held onto me. The grich again trailed.
"Ever been on a roller coaster, Gregg?" Santa asked. Before i was able to answer he drove straight down from the sky. He got so low the reindeers hooves scraped the roofs of the the houses. I looked behind me. The grinch was going to do the same manuever. Out of the corner of my eye i saw Santa smile. The grich smashed into the chimney shattering his sleigh. Wood flew everywhere. The grich lay on his back on the roof of the abandoned house motionless. He did not move a muscle.
Santa and i celebrated our victory. We continued to cruise in the sky.
"Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Christmas!" Santa sang as we flew by the moon.

Text: Brady H
Publication Date: 12-22-2012

All Rights Reserved

Dedication:
To the hollidays! Merry Christmas!