From Good to Bad by Cassidy Shay (primary phonics books TXT) 📕

The sun’s rays heat up my skin as I lay by the lake. This clear, clean oxygen that I’m breathing is so much better than the mix of gases and chemicals that I’m so used to breathing back in the big city. The oxygen is pure, the water is beautiful, and the sun is warm. It couldn’t be a better day.
The shore is littered with people. Old people, young people, short and tall people. It’s a gorgeous day, and everyone knows it.
The surrounding trees give the air a piney fragrance. The sounds of everyone shouting and running ring in my ears. My water tastes pure and cold as it flows down my throat. I’ve been laying in the sun for a long time now. My skin feels crispy, in need of some moisture. I slowly stand, straightening my new bikini as I walk towards the dock.
Remembering everything that my diving teacher told me, I push off with my legs and curve my body as I descend, hitting the water with perfect form.
I kick my feet, pushing my body farther and farther from the surface.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I can see their faces as they sit on the dock above me, distorted by the waves. Will they not help me? They are laughing, smiling, watching me struggle. Do they not know?
A bubble escapes from my mouth, a tiny bit of air surrounded by gallons and gallons of water. Another bubble closely follows, and the people above watch it pop as it breaks the surface. <fot;italic>Will they notice when the bubbles stop?
I didn’t fill my lungs with enough air, I dove too deep. Now, I’m doing all that I can to keep calm and not panic. Panic means death.
The bubbles are all gone now. No more are left waiting in my mouth, lungs, or anywhere else in my body. I feel myself sinking lower. There’s not enough oxygen left inside my lungs to give me strength.
My ability to see starts to fade, turning into a black spot in the corners of my vision. I look up one last time, pleading with my silent eyes. But they’re all looking away now.
I can’t move. I can only wait as my body sinks closer to the bottom. Not enough oxygen to keep my floating.
The whole world is black now. My vision is all gone, so I must rely on my other senses to guess at what is going on around me. As I sink lower and lower, I feel the pressure build. My ears seem to shrink. Hundreds of thousands of pounds of water are pushing at my skull, trying to get it to break under the pressure. I hear the waves hitting the beach.
A splash! Someone else is coming into the water. Can they see me? More splashes, smaller this time. They’re kicking their way closer to me. Will they rescue me?
The splashes get closer, but as the swimmer passes over me, the sound subsides into nothing. I am once again alone.
I hear several splashes to my left, and the sound of a motor. I refuse to let myself get excited, though.
My throat burns, the lack of oxygen igniting an underwater flame inside my body. The fire spreads to my lungs, turning my blood and tissues into fuel. This lack of oxygen is causing me more pain than I knew I could endure.
I hear the boat again, coming towards me. Several feet above me, I hear the motor stop. Someone dives in, and I feel an arm around my wait. The water tried to keep it’s iron grip on me, but my rescuer won’t allow it. Only a few more seconds, I think. and then I can breathe. I can smother this burning pain inside my chest with sweet, sweet oxygen.
I focus on the feel of the water moving. It’s released its hold on me, and I am no longer a prisoner. I am free, just as long as I make it to the top. The pressure on my head is less and less as we go up and up.
Finally, after eternities under water, I take a deep breath of clear, clean oxygen.



Eveylyn's Critique:

Whilst there is strength in the character. Good descriptive passages both of the drying sun and then the depth of the water and her sinking down in to it, I feel that there are some anomalies that need to be dealt with. First, if it is a normal beach and water scene here on earth, then I have to point out that the air is 3 parts nitrogen to one part oxygen, plus a little argon and carbon dioxide (set on another world, it might be different). You could say the air ‘ seemed oxygen rich’ to cover that.
The growing depths to which the character was sinking had the hint of terror and the feeling of being ‘lost’ The splashes etc. of rescuers was also well described.
Again, however, I wondered why she did not kick out to get to the surface if she a). could not swim and b). was not trying to commit suicide? If it were me, I would try my damnest to get up to the surface, struggle and strive to get air. Why would she immediately think they did not care about her sinking. As far as they knew at that time, she had just dived, so no way of telling she was in trouble. You have to think logically for a logical act. You could just as easily have had her struggling to reach the surface but then find that her strength waned or the current in the water took her down and down, if you see what I mean. It is a very good premise, it is just that you have to think these things through, follow the concept in a logical way. Good try, good descriptive passages but it could have been so much more. I mean, did the diving instructor tell her she was ready? A first dive maybe would need to be chaperoned surely?
Don’t get me wrong, I do think it is a good short story but as we are doing


My Edit:

The sun’s rays heat up my skin as I lay by the lake. This clear, clean, seemingly oxygen-rich air that I’m breathing is so much better than the mix of gases and chemicals that I’m so used to breathing back in the big city. The oxygen is pure, the water is beautiful, and the sun is warm. It couldn’t be a better day.
The shore is littered with people. Old people, young people, short and tall people. It’s a gorgeous day, and everyone knows it.
The surrounding trees give the air a piney fragrance. The sounds of everyone shouting and running ring in my ears. My water tastes pure and cold as it flows down my throat. I’ve been laying in the sun for a long time now. My skin feels crispy, in need of some moisture. I slowly stand, straightening my new bikini as I walk towards the dock.
Remembering everything that my diving teacher told me, I push off with my legs and curve my body as I descend, hitting the water with perfect form.
I kick my feet, pushing my body farther and farther from the surface.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I can see their faces as they sit on the dock above me, distorted by the waves. Will they not help me? They are laughing, smiling, watching me struggle. Do they not know?
A bubble escapes from my mouth, a tiny bit of air surrounded by gallons and gallons of water. Another bubble closely follows, and the people above watch it pop as it breaks the surface. <fot;italic>Will they notice when the bubbles stop?
I didn’t fill my lungs with enough air, I dove too deep. Now, I’m doing all that I can to keep calm and not panic. Panic means death. I try to kick my way back to the surface, but the gravity, even though it’s reduced by the water, works against me.
The bubbles are all gone now. No more are left waiting in my mouth, lungs, or anywhere else in my body. I feel myself sinking lower. There’s not enough oxygen left inside my lungs to give me strength.
My ability to see starts to fade, turning into a black spot in the corners of my vision. I look up one last time, pleading with my silent eyes. But they’re all looking away now.
I can’t move. I can only wait as the current pushes my body closer to the bottom. Not enough oxygen to keep my floating.
The whole world is black now. My vision is all gone, so I must rely on my other senses to guess at what is going on around me. As I sink lower and lower, I feel the pressure build. My ears seem to shrink. Hundreds of thousands of pounds of water are pushing at my skull, trying to get it to break under the pressure. I hear the waves hitting the beach.
A splash! Someone else is coming into the water. Can they see me? More splashes, smaller this time. They’re kicking their way closer to me. Will they rescue me?
The splashes get closer, but as the swimmer passes over me, the sound subsides into nothing. I am once again alone.
I hear several splashes to my left, and the sound of a motor. I refuse to let myself get excited, though.
My throat burns, the lack of oxygen igniting an underwater flame inside my body. The fire spreads to my lungs, turning my blood and tissues into fuel. This lack of oxygen is causing me more pain than I know I could endure.
I hear the boat again, coming towards me. Several feet above me, I hear the motor stop. Someone dives in, and I feel an arm around my wait. The water tried to keep it’s iron grip on me, but my rescuer won’t allow it. Only a few more seconds, I think. and then I can breathe. I can smother this burning pain inside my chest with sweet, sweet oxygen.
I focus on the feel of the water moving. It’s released its hold on me, and I am no longer a prisoner. I am free, just as long as I make it to the top. The pressure on my head is less and less as we go up and up.
Finally, after eternities under water, I take a deep breath of clear, clean oxygen.




What I learned:

I learned that sometimes I don't always get my thoughts across to the reader, so I should be more clear on that, since not everyone thinks the same way that I do.


Thank you, Evelyn, for the critique!