Where's Fuckery Lane, bruv? by Al Calm (great novels of all time txt) 📕

I'm in the zone, really going for it, soaked in sweat, dripping off me face. I don't give a fuck how I look or smell. Fuck it, man. Going Old Skool! Nothing quite like seeing beautiful people around you looking proper sweaty and fucked: smell of shitloads of drugs and body funk. I look around, dancing like a motherfucking clumsycock, like I'm proper possessed by the demons of raving, LORD'AVEMERCEEE!

I'm sure Navigator points at me; I smile at him, saluting him for being the don of dons he will always be. Maybe I’m imagining it. Me brain’s seriously fucking around with me at the moment. I got to stop blacking out too, it’s real weird. I got to blame all that dodgy acid I done in the Dam. Fucking wicked time but it did fuck me up!!!! 

Probably pointing me out to security about how fucked I am, innit.

I’m bouncing off the sweaty walls, but Navigator's a proper fucking legend, man. I always check out his sets from back in the day and all, I've definitely seen him loads of times though I can’t always remember these days. So many times, a shitload of wicked vibes, I've lost count and they all merge into one. Nothing sweeter than a wicked MC like Navigator seeing a dude like me dancing as if he's about to drop dead. Dancing like it 1991 all over again! Jungle Muffin's still me tune, I love loadsa tunes - CHOONZ!

I'm in me fuckup zone again doing me thing. A girl slinks up to me in a bikini and smells me. She's fucking hot, short brown hair up in pigtails. She still looks like a model. I let some mean egg fart rip, it don't bother her though. She starts to grind with me, pop more pills, gum more powders, need a chuff. She hands me a loose joint, the roach proper sloppy. I chuff tasting fucked ganja smoke taste, me eyes get all blurred then find a bit of focus again.

Fucking pills and snort have fucked me taste buds, need more though - fucking having it right now fuckers! It's all good, I chuff a bit more of the joint, draining it like a fucker and pass it back to her. I turn around and she's gone, vanished into the crowd. Fucking psychedelic smoke bizzle! That’s when that Somebody’s Pulling Me VIP tune drops, I hear it on Origin a fair bit. Fucking banging, it’s making me turn loco I almost forget I need a piss. Had a wicked Friday too, getting wasted to Dugs in the morning, getting blasted to Subslayers in the evening. Fucking perfect. Shit, there's a dribble!!!

Get in the bogs, proper orgasm piss from heaven, another quick toot, then I let off another rancid shit-fart destined to be sniffed up on the smoke-free dancefloor. It’s foul, proper stinks out the bogs, I almost heave too. I'll puke later, I’ve learnt to store it up and hock it out coming back on a Nightbus. I find some more Rizla, all crumpled, a couple are a bit sweaty with the gum all stuck.

I double drop more pills, me last two Skulls. Sure Custard said he was gonna get some Pornhubs and Captain America's later. to be honest, I’ll do anything for some PG Tips now, fucking feeling real desperate I take some knock off ket pills - crown them as they’re all soft and crumbly; got some superstars leftover though I know the superstars aren’t too good these days.

Can tell it going to get smoked up in here, too, like a real hot box club vibe, so stock me some zootage. Usually go from a hot boxed car to a sweet ganja smelling club. I love it, you can tell by the smell it'll be a decent night. It's always fucking banging!

The bog door rams opens, getting me back. Painful as fuck, though luckily me shrunken cock directs more piss on the floor and not down me pants. I turn around slow, feeling fucked, hoping for the foxy bikini bird. It ain't the bird, it's me mate, Goofer. A fucking stone fried retard rat who's a just a master bullshitter. He laughs at me, he's got shrooms, trips and some mental pills. How the fuck he get them? I thought. I might have gave him some shit, but I wouldn’t trust this retard with shrooms. It must be that Crisp posh dude. He’s a wicked bloke, proper connected too. Knows everything and everyone. He don’t really know Goofer, he was probably trying to gte rid of him. Why else give Goofer some shrooms? He normally has fuck all, I don’t think Goofer has ever been into those kinds of drugs.

Goofer thinks he’s fucking John Gotti. It's Rebel Retard playing Tony Montana. He must've done some shit to loop da loop him, I just hope he didn't tick shit. He does that to some fucker, a proper wannabe be bigshot dealer who thinks Goofer’s the perfect mug, but Goofer does a burn with his goods. Not many fuckers tick, not even to family, just might get you killed, some fucker’s got to pay? Fucking way it goes, man. I keep zoning, I hate when time goes all wonky.The night goes into fast forward, we're laughing and puking. And having it right out, that’s when it goes blurry. Fucking remember scanning that Oyster, then look out and see Marble Arch. Fucking night bus man. What a fucker!

Wake up again thinking, Where the fuck am I? Strange bed, strange house.

I look around at everything, not that I can see much, eyes all blurry. Proper covered in sweat and puke, soaked like a stripper. Thought I’d had a wet dream or pissed everywhere again. I think back, maybe I did get a blowjob in the bogs? I get this vague memory of some bird, in a dirty club bog, sucking on me sore pimply prick, it’s taking a while for me to come, feels like ages, but I spray cum over her face, as she sucks on me cock to get the last drops out. I want to kiss her pussy, but she gets all funny, getting all Royal and posh over it, as her snatch does whiff a bit but I totally love fishy fanny.

Shit what a wicked club - yeah, I keep thinking of that tranny! Shit, that dude did look a bit deceptive, it can’t be the same bird, can it? Nah way! Think it just the second time that I've been sucked off by a bloke then. Tranny. Whatever. The other time was Luke, he’s me cousin. Yeah, Luke's proper gay but I was proper out of it. He did say sorry afterwards, taking advantage of me and all. But I have to be honest and say I didn't mind at all. Saying it Jodie comes pretty close in the cocksuck game for a bird. She's the only bird I know who really likes to gobble a cock and can do it like a pro. She ain't a ho yet, but she's damn close. Got some dodgy fellas after her, like some real messy relationships. She got a thing for psychos, though. I got to stay away from her, she's a fucking nutter like that Layla bird.

Groundhog day, fuck it. I been here before, I'm getting fucked, real fucked. I know I'm tripping out, I got no fucking idea of time. Should have been at work time ago. Do I still even work? Fucking pointless zero hours bullshit anyway, proper fucking me mind. Here's how me day usually flows: line, smoke, shot, line, drop pills, line, smoke, tea, shot, line, smoke, coffee, line, smoke, work for like five minutes, offy, beer, line, drop more pills, line, get sent home, another beer on the tube - maybe a bottle of vodka too, line, piss, smoke, it goes on and on! What a fucked ride! 

It goes like that most days. Sometimes there will be a huge part where it really goes fuckfuckfuckfuck! That's when I'm on talking terms with the birds. I look around, where the fuck Goofer go? I don't know what that fucker done, I just hope he didn't poison me again!

Shit PC Buzz got to be here!  Fuck off! I always see that stoned sniffer dog, fucking trips me right out. Why would you see a freaky stoned sniffer dog? I don't know, it's just stuck with me. I think I'm cursed with all that kind of shit. Me main man, Custard Cream chilling in the corner, as normal. Looking proper shady, looking proper fucked. He's a harmless dude really, giving off some heavy rasta-pagan-hippy-jedi bro vibes. Yeah, he's cool, but you can't chat to the crazy fucker when he's that fucking fucked! Everytime I look around, see Custard Cream looking caned just bopping in the corner, somehow attracting randoms to him. He's a right random too, but he cracks me up. Him and Crisp Roll are all cool. No wonder they have a laugh with DJ Hog and wind up Clive. It don't bother me. The missus don't even know those fuckers exist. You know how it goes. I get back to the gaff and I'll be faced with bills and shit, fuck that! They're better off without me around anyways.

I get that feeling I been tripping out for time. I nod at the bouncers, they smile, they know I'm here and there all the time. I'm like a fucking ghost tripper. A ghost clubber. Embrace the vibe, cook up yer brain with chemicals and lazers! I'm just always up for it. I bop to the bass, then move like in some trippy junglist ballet, it feels like I been skanking with some weird fat bird with short ginger hair and massive jugs for a little too long. She looks in me eyes as if we've known each other forever. Turns out we been going for it for hours. She looks at me as if we're about to get married. I picture her in a wedding dress. I think of Cow out of Cow and Chicken! I almost start corpsing, like a proper giggly spazzout, she thinks I just got a bit of tripped giggles, thank fuck!  I didn't say it, she'd probably batter me. I just thought it, I'm sure I did say some shit though. I don't think a lot of the shit I say, it just comes out like mad, then I get a flashback later on that I actually said it for real!

I'm too busy getting horny with this fat bitch to realise I'm not thinking about shit. I got a secret for you, no joke! Here it goes: I don't really trust me eyes. I never have done. Some South American German Tourist dude had some mental acid from France or wherever and I ain't joking it fucked with me! I didn't stop tripping for days after dropping it. So I have lots of gaps in me mind. I probably should slow down chuffing too, but I fucking enjoy it. Fuck it, why not. Just going to die anyway!

I blink and I'm at a house. I look around and everything's silent. I'm in a bed in some quiet part of London. It must be Sunday. Distant cars, me used johnny stuck to me leg and it's been dribbling. I didn't put no johnny on so it must be Ms Healthy Kooch. I don't know, she's demolished a load of ice cream too. I think she's bang on. You don't really eat anything when you're fucked, I just like staring at ice cream. Fucking having it!!!  Who says clubbing proper empty?

Fucking banging, I love it. Just looking out for me. I don't mind linking up with some women, whoever as long as they dig a party. Nothing