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what you wanted of me the other

day.”

 

“Have you got it here?”

 

“I have got it here, sir.”

 

“Sergeant,” the lawyer proceeds in his dry passionless manner, far

more hopeless in the dealing with than any amount of vehemence,

“make up your mind while I speak to you, for this is final. After

I have finished speaking I have closed the subject, and I won’t re-open it. Understand that. You can leave here, for a few days,

what you say you have brought here if you choose; you can take it

away at once if you choose. In case you choose to leave it here, I

can do this for you—I can replace this matter on its old footing,

and I can go so far besides as to give you a written undertaking

that this man Bagnet shall never be troubled in any way until you

have been proceeded against to the utmost, that your means shall be

exhausted before the creditor looks to his. This is in fact all

but freeing him. Have you decided?”

 

The trooper puts his hand into his breast and answers with a long

breath, “I must do it, sir.”

 

So Mr. Tulkinghorn, putting on his spectacles, sits down and writes

the undertaking, which he slowly reads and explains to Bagnet, who

has all this time been staring at the ceiling and who puts his hand

on his bald head again, under this new verbal shower-bath, and

seems exceedingly in need of the old girl through whom to express

his sentiments. The trooper then takes from his breast-pocket a

folded paper, which he lays with an unwilling hand at the lawyer’s

elbow. “‘Tis only a letter of instructions, sir. The last I ever

had from him.”

 

Look at a millstone, Mr. George, for some change in its expression,

and you will find it quite as soon as in the face of Mr.

Tulkinghorn when he opens and reads the letter! He refolds it and

lays it in his desk with a countenance as unperturbable as death.

 

Nor has he anything more to say or do but to nod once in the same

frigid and discourteous manner and to say briefly, “You can go.

Show these men out, there!” Being shown out, they repair to Mr.

Bagnet’s residence to dine.

 

Boiled beef and greens constitute the day’s variety on the former

repast of boiled pork and greens, and Mrs. Bagnet serves out the

meal in the same way and seasons it with the best of temper, being

that rare sort of old girl that she receives Good to her arms

without a hint that it might be Better and catches light from any

little spot of darkness near her. The spot on this occasion is the

darkened brow of Mr. George; he is unusually thoughtful and

depressed. At first Mrs. Bagnet trusts to the combined endearments

of Quebec and Malta to restore him, but finding those young ladies

sensible that their existing Bluffy is not the Bluffy of their

usual frolicsome acquaintance, she winks off the light infantry and

leaves him to deploy at leisure on the open ground of the domestic

hearth.

 

But he does not. He remains in close order, clouded and depressed.

During the lengthy cleaning up and pattening process, when he and

Mr. Bagnet are supplied with their pipes, he is no better than he

was at dinner. He forgets to smoke, looks at the fire and ponders,

lets his pipe out, fills the breast of Mr. Bagnet with perturbation

and dismay by showing that he has no enjoyment of tobacco.

 

Therefore when Mrs. Bagnet at last appears, rosy from the

invigorating pail, and sits down to her work, Mr. Bagnet growls,

“Old girl!” and winks monitions to her to find out what’s the

matter.

 

“Why, George!” says Mrs. Bagnet, quietly threading her needle.

“How low you are!”

 

“Am I? Not good company? Well, I am afraid I am not.”

 

“He ain’t at all like Bluffy, mother!” cries little Malta.

 

“Because he ain’t well, I think, mother,” adds Quebec.

 

“Sure that’s a bad sign not to be like Bluffy, too!” returns the

trooper, kissing the young damsels. “But it’s true,” with a sigh,

“true, I am afraid. These little ones are always right!”

 

“George,” says Mrs. Bagnet, working busily, “if I thought you cross

enough to think of anything that a shrill old soldier’s wife—who

could have bitten her tongue off afterwards and ought to have done

it almost—said this morning, I don’t know what I shouldn’t say to

you now.”

 

“My kind soul of a darling,” returns the trooper. “Not a morsel of

it.”

 

“Because really and truly, George, what I said and meant to say was

that I trusted Lignum to you and was sure you’d bring him through

it. And you HAVE brought him through it, noble!”

 

“Thankee, my dear!” says George. “I am glad of your good opinion.”

 

In giving Mrs. Bagnet’s hand, with her work in it, a friendly

shake—for she took her seat beside him—the trooper’s attention is

attracted to her face. After looking at it for a little while as

she plies her needle, he looks to young Woolwich, sitting on his

stool in the corner, and beckons that fifer to him.

 

“See there, my boy,” says George, very gently smoothing the

mother’s hair with his hand, “there’s a good loving forehead for

you! All bright with love of you, my boy. A little touched by the

sun and the weather through following your father about and taking

care of you, but as fresh and wholesome as a ripe apple on a tree.”

 

Mr. Bagnet’s face expresses, so far as in its wooden material lies,

the highest approbation and acquiescence.

 

“The time will come, my boy,” pursues the trooper, “when this hair

of your mother’s will be grey, and this forehead all crossed and

recrossed with wrinkles, and a fine old lady she’ll be then. Take

care, while you are young, that you can think in those days, ‘I

never whitened a hair of her dear head—I never marked a sorrowful

line in her face!’ For of all the many things that you can think

of when you are a man, you had better have THAT by you, Woolwich!”

 

Mr. George concludes by rising from his chair, seating the boy

beside his mother in it, and saying, with something of a hurry

about him, that he’ll smoke his pipe in the street a bit.

CHAPTER XXXV

Esther’s Narrative

 

I lay ill through several weeks, and the usual tenor of my life

became like an old remembrance. But this was not the effect of

time so much as of the change in all my habits made by the

helplessness and inaction of a sick-room. Before I had been

confined to it many days, everything else seemed to have retired

into a remote distance where there was little or no separation

between the various stages of my life which had been really divided

by years. In falling ill, I seemed to have crossed a dark lake and

to have left all my experiences, mingled together by the great

distance, on the healthy shore.

 

My housekeeping duties, though at first it caused me great anxiety

to think that they were unperformed, were soon as far off as the

oldest of the old duties at Greenleaf or the summer afternoons when

I went home from school with my portfolio under my arm, and my

childish shadow at my side, to my godmother’s house. I had never

known before how short life really was and into how small a space

the mind could put it.

 

While I was very ill, the way in which these divisions of time

became confused with one another distressed my mind exceedingly.

At once a child, an elder girl, and the little woman I had been so

happy as, I was not only oppressed by cares and difficulties

adapted to each station, but by the great perplexity of endlessly

trying to reconcile them. I suppose that few who have not been in

such a condition can quite understand what I mean or what painful

unrest arose from this source.

 

For the same reason I am almost afraid to hint at that time in my

disorder—it seemed one long night, but I believe there were both

nights and days in it—when I laboured up colossal staircases, ever

striving to reach the top, and ever turned, as I have seen a worm

in a garden path, by some obstruction, and labouring again. I knew

perfectly at intervals, and I think vaguely at most times, that I

was in my bed; and I talked with Charley, and felt her touch, and

knew her very well; yet I would find myself complaining, “Oh, more

of these never-ending stairs, Charley—more and more—piled up to

the sky’, I think!” and labouring on again.

 

Dare I hint at that worse time when, strung together somewhere in

great black space, there was a flaming necklace, or ring, or starry

circle of some kind, of which I was one of the beads! And when my

only prayer was to be taken off from the rest and when it was such

inexplicable agony and misery to be a part of the dreadful thing?

 

Perhaps the less I say of these sick experiences, the less tedious

and the more intelligible I shall be. I do not recall them to make

others unhappy or because I am now the least unhappy in remembering

them. It may be that if we knew more of such strange afflictions

we might be the better able to alleviate their intensity.

 

The repose that succeeded, the long delicious sleep, the blissful

rest, when in my weakness I was too calm to have any care for

myself and could have heard (or so I think now) that I was dying,

with no other emotion than with a pitying love for those I left

behind—this state can be perhaps more widely understood. I was in

this state when I first shrunk from the light as it twinkled on me

once more, and knew with a boundless joy for which no words are

rapturous enough that I should see again.

 

I had heard my Ada crying at the door, day and night; I had heard

her calling to me that I was cruel and did not love her; I had

heard her praying and imploring to be let in to nurse and comfort

me and to leave my bedside no more; but I had only said, when I

could speak, “Never, my sweet girl, never!” and I had over and over

again reminded Charley that she was to keep my darling from the

room whether I lived or died. Charley had been true to me in that

time of need, and with her little hand and her great heart had kept

the door fast.

 

But now, my sight strengthening and the glorious light coming every

day more fully and brightly on me, I could read the letters that my

dear wrote to me every morning and evening and could put them to my

lips and lay my cheek upon them with no fear of hurting her. I

could see my little maid, so tender and so careful, going about the

two rooms setting everything in order and speaking cheerfully to

Ada from the open window again. I could understand the stillness

in the house and the thoughtfulness it expressed on the part of all

those who had always been so good to me. I could weep in the

exquisite felicity of my heart and be as happy in my weakness as

ever I had been in my strength.

 

By and by my strength began to be restored.

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