Maldon Models, Basildon Blondes And Girls From Grays by Paul Curtis (book club books txt) 📕

coast of the sun
They don’t do things by the letter
Because they don't know any better

WELL FAX ME

You know when you’re contacted
By a blonde of the fairer sex
You find that they put a stamp on
when they send you a fax

DOWN TO EARTH

My blonde girlfriends
Are really such fools
They think Ertha Kitt
Is a set of garden tools


IF IT MOVES SALUTE IT

My blonde girlfriends
Are really barmy
They think general motors
Is in the army

AIR HEAD

Bimbette went to the airport
And saw a sign that said
"Airport left," she turned around
And went home instead

TEX MEX RING DING

My blonde girlfriends
Are really silly
They think taco bell
Is the Mexican Phone Company


WHAT A GAS

My blonde girlfriend
Is quite a dozy bunny
She has just sold her car
To raise some petrol money

INCONCEIVABLE

Bimbette went to see her doctor
As she was felling quite unwell
And after a thorough examination
The doctor had something to tell
Bimbette was then told the news
That she was in fact expecting
After the initial shock was over
She wanted to know about delivering
He said you’ll be in the same position
Roughly when you conceived you know
“What in the back of a Mini Cooper
With me legs sticking out the window”?


VIENS A MOI

Bimbette and peaches walk up to a perfume counter
And after a few moments browsing pick up a sampler
Bimbette sprays it on her wrist and then smells it
"What do you fink Peach That's quite a nice one init?”
Peaches then sniffed the perfume Bimbette had tried
"Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" Bimbette replied
"Viens a moi! She said, “what the fuck does that mean?"
The assistant offered some help thinking they were keen
“Viens a moi” she offered “is French for “come to me””
Bimbette takes sniffs again and offers her arm to peachy
After a lengthy sniff "That doesn't smell like come to me”
Bimbette said, “Does it smell like come to you Peachy?"

CHECK WITH THE DOC

Bimbette went to the doctors
To talk about her pregnancy
Doc asked, “Have you had a check up?”
She said, “No he was polish actually”


HEY WAYNE

Bimbette an unmarried mother went to claim benefit
And in front of a case manager she was asked to sit
He asked her “How many children do you have then?”
After a few moments the mother finally replied “Ten”
Horrified and thinking this was “One of those” claims
"Ten?" Said the case manager "What are their names?"
Bimbette replied impatiently “They’re all called Wayne”
“They’re all called Wayne? Isn’t that a bit of a pain?
"Naah" she said "If they’re out playing in the street
“I just shout, “Come in Wayne” and it works a treat”
“It works at bed time and when its time for dinner”
“But what if” asked the manager in a perturbed manner
"You want to speak to one boy individually?" He said
"That’s easy," she said "I use their surnames instead"

CLASS BOOBS

If a brunette, a blonde, and a redhead
Are all together in the third grade
The blonde has the biggest breasts
Because she's eighteen years of age

BETTER DEAD THAN RED

Bimbette suspected that her boyfriend Fred was cheating on her
So she went out and bought herself a gun to end the sordid affair
She went to his house and when she entered found Fred was in bed
But she found that he was not alone but in the arms of a redhead
Well Bimbette was beside herself and she was incredibly angry
How could he betray her with a great busty redheaded old floozy?
She opened her bag took out the gun and put it to her blonde head.
He said "No don't do it baby" she replied, "Shut up, you're next Fred!"


NEIGHBORS FROM HELL

Norma is just getting out of the shower when she hears their doorbell ring
Husband Jay who’s getting in the shower says “see who’s at the door darling”
So Norma wraps herself up in a towel and runs down the stairs to answer it
She opens the front door and standing there is her next-door neighbor Sanjit
Before she could say a word Sanjit said as soon as she had opened the door
"I'll give you five hundred pounds to drop the towel you’re wearing to the floor
Norma thought for a second then dropped the towel and stood naked before him
He looked over every inch of her wet naked slender form, well toned and slim
Then without taking his eyes off her he handed her the money and was away
Excited at her windfall, Norma put the towel back on and ran upstairs to Jay
But before Norma had a chance to tell him of her good fortune with the money
Her husband shouted out from the shower, "Who was that at the door honey?"
Norma still a little flushed replied to him "It was Sanjit from next door actually"
"That’s Great," Jay said, "Did he give you the five hundred pounds he owes me?"

BASILDON BLONDE

A dizzy blonde
A little bit simple
A fun filled package
All tits and dimples
Smelling of chips,
Booze and fags
A good time girl
Looking for a shag


BIMBETTE AND THE BUILDER

Bimbette saw a builder called Paddy one day in a bar
And she noticed on one of his wellies the letter R
Then she saw something odd on the other boot as well
She noticed that the other welly bore the letter L
Curiosity got the better of her so she asked Paddy
“Scuse me there are letters on your boots I can see”
Paddy smiled at her and said, “It’s quite simple really”
“The one with the R on it is for my right foot you see
And the welly with the L on it goes on my left one”
Bimbette stood blankly for a while after he was done
Then suddenly the light of understanding flickers
"Blimey! So that's why I’ve got C&A on my knickers”

DAGENHAM DIRT BAGS # 1

Bimbette, Peaches and Soiree
Three slappers from Essex way
Are out on the town one day
Middle aged Women on the loose
Two old Dogs and a Moose
Well oiled and up for a goose
LONGSTREET MAYBE

Returning home, Bimbette was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime and then sat down and cried
The closest police officer to the burgled house was a dog handler and his canine friend
So officer Katarski and a German shepherd called Monty were the first ones to attend
As the officer approached the house with his dog on a lead Bimbette ran out at the sound
She shuddered at the sight of the policeman and his dog, then sat down on the ground
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen”
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They actually send me a blind policeman!"


BASILDON BIMBETTE

Bimbette had to fill out a form
A task she found hard to perform
Finally she only had one box to go
Where it said “sign here” she wrote Leo

BASILDON BLONDER

She had piercing’s
In ears nose and lip
And a very ugly Tatt
On one of her hips
A sad old slapper
Looking for sex
A good time girl
No doubt from Essex

DAGENHAM DIRT BAGS # 2

Bimbette, Peaches and Soiree
Three slappers from Essex way
The dogs out on the common
Taking their pets for a play
BASILDON BLONDEST

Aided by four inch white stiletto heels
She stood to the height of five foot four
As on unsteady fishnet covered legs
She tottered ungracefully through the door
Wearing a skirt no wider than a belt
And a skimpy top clearly not up to the job
When Plied with an Alco pop or two
She’ll be any easy lay for some young yob

SHOPPING MODE # 1

Bimbette was a model
And was not very bright
And she went shopping
After work one night
She bought herself a scarf
Which was garish and bright
But she had to take it back
Because it was too tight


SHOPPING MODE # 2

Bimbette was a model
And not very bright
She went shopping
After work one night
But something unforeseen
Was to befall her
Tragically she was trapped
On the malls escalator
For four hours
She stood with eyes tight shut
Unable to move a muscle
Due to a power cut

CHANGING MODE

Fed up with blonde jokes
Bimbette and Peachy, her chum
Decided to dye their hair
They are now both platinum


A BRIGHT SPARK

Dave wanted to take a few days off
But he had already used all his holidays
So he thought if he acted mad
He might get sent home for a few days

So he hung upside down from a light fitting
And made a selection of funny noises
Blonde Bimbette the office temp,
Asked him what on earth he was doing

“I’m pretending to be a light bulb”
He said “In this ceiling light array
So the Boss will think I’m mad
And send me home for a few days”

Then the boss came in to the office
And asked what the hell he was doing
He told him “I’m a light bulb of course”
As he hung upside down from a light fitting


The boss said he was suffering from stress
And should go home for a few days
So he jumped down from the ceiling
And left the office for his bonus holidays

Then Bimbette the temp headed for the door
“Where are you going?" the boss had to ask
"Well I'm going home too” she replied
“You can’t expect me to work in the dark”

BREAST STROKE MODE

When Bimbette the model Was still at school
She lost in a race in the swimming pool
It was the breast stroke race she came last in
Because her competitors used their arms to swim

BLONDSKI

Bimbette always wanted to go water skiing
And desperately wanted to fulfill her hope
But despite an lengthy and extensive search
She was unable to find a Lake with a slope.

GETTING THE BOOTS

Bimbette was fired from her job
At the local pharmacy
The reason for her dismissal
With which she did not agree

Was For failing to print labels
For the prescription medicines
Which she vehemently denied
And would fight by any means

Her claim for wrongful dismissal
However she was not a winner
As her defence, was that the bottles
Would not fit into the printer


PUZZLED GIRLS

Bimbette and peaches
Finished a jigsaw
And got really excited
And they danced around the floor

It had only taken six months
Hence the dance and cheers
On the box it clearly read
"2-4 years!"

FURTHER BLONDES

One night
Bimbette asked her friend
"Which do you think is farther
Florida or the moon?"
Peaches replied
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"


CRASH LOCATION

On the M25 just beyond Dartford
She lost control of her car and crashed
Hitting the barrier with great force
Then came rest with the car smashed
It happened close to where she