Maldon Models, Basildon Blondes And Girls From Grays by Paul Curtis (book club books txt) 📕

FAMILY MODE

What would a super Model say?
When told she's in the family way
Patiently the doctor takes his time
And then she says, “Is it mine”?

JOKE MODE

I’ll tell you this with no mistake
And I’ll tell you how to make
A Super Model laugh on Sunday
Tell her the joke on Saturday

COMPUTER MODEL

How can you tell if a Model has been using the computer?
There are many spots of Tippex on the screen of the monitor
How can you tell if her friend has used it while she’s away?
There is writing on the Tippex spots all over the display


THUNDERING MODE

Models always smile as bolts of lightning strike
But its not the thunder crashes that the models like
It’s only lightening that makes them strike a pose
They think their being photographed - I suppose

TAKE A BREAK

Models are only allowed to take
Thirty minute for their lunch break
Because if an hours break they take
Retraining they must undertake

PARKING MODE

It’s good to have a Model in your car
If you have trouble parking near or far
As a Model passenger with a pretty face
Allows you to park in a disabled space


VENTING HER SPLEEN
A young ventriloquist is working on the circuit of bars and pubs
Occasionally he manages to get a couple of evenings at nightclubs
Normally he will perform his act to a room full of drunken blokes
On one such night he’s doing his usual act including blonde jokes
When a big blonde woman in the front stands on her chair and says
"I’m sick to death of demeaning blonde jokes and your sexist ways
Tell me why does my hair color effect my worth as a human being?
Why do you stereotype blonde women that way its very demeaning?”
Embarrassed he began to apologize only getting out a word or three
"You stay out of this, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

EYE MODE

I think that this is worth a try
To put a sparkle in a Models eye
The only way it will work I fear
Is to shine a torch into her ear

SMART MODE

Bigfoot is unlike a smart Model
And that’s certainly always been
Because unlike an intelligent model
A Bigfoot has actually been seen

SMART MODE AGAIN

UFO’s are very like smart Models
And the thing they have in common
Is you're always hearing about them
But no one has actually ever seen one


MATING CALL’S

Well the mating call of the common blonde is “I think I’m drunk”
While the ugly blonde has a much louder call “I SAID I'M DRUNK”
Then the mating call of the brunette “all the blondes have gone”
And finally the mating call of the redhead. “I’m the last one”

GOLDILOCKS

A Blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
At first the question stumped me
But after careful consideration
It has to be Humpme Dumpme

CLUB 18-30 GIRLS

The first thing the eighteen thirty girls do
Next morning is introduce themselves to you
Not all girls behave this way as they roam
Sometimes they get up and just go home


THE SMART WISH

Three blondes were walking in a desert land
When they found a lamp lying in the sand
Rubbing from the lamp the sand they cleared
Then with a puff of smoke a genie appeared
Saying, “To show my gratitude this I will do”
"I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
"I wish I was more intelligent,” the first said
The genie nodded and she became a redhead
The second said, "I wish I were smarter yet"
With another nod and she became a brunette
The third said, “I wish to be smarter, if I can”
“Than both of them” So she became a man

AFTER SEX

What Eighteen thirty girls
Do after sex
Is open the car door
And shout out next!

ABORT ABORT

Soppy Susie the vacuous blonde student
Was sat in class trying to make the grade
When the teacher asked her if she knew
What the decision was in Roe Vs Wade
Finally she thought she had the answer
After quite a while of just sitting there
"It’s the decision George Washington
Made before he crossed the Delaware."

AFTER SEX AGAIN

Eighteen thirty girls will say after having sex
Something polite though nothing to complex
You’d never accuse these girls of being wise
But after sex they always say “Thanks Guys”

FINISHED!

Why do eighteen thirty girls
Reach climax?
So they know when
To stop having sex!

FINISHED?

I have a simple question that wont let me relax
How can you determine as a matter of fact?
Whether they’re on their fronts or their backs
When an eighteen thirty girl reaches climax?
If really difficult to tell when she never reacts
Some say, “who cares” and just make tracks
Does she drops her nail-file or ask for a snack
Or does the bloke behind slap you on the back

COMPACT MODE

Peach and Bimbette were walking down the street
When one spots a compact lying on the concrete
Peach bends down and picks it up from the gutter
She opens it, looks in the mirror and starts to mutter
"Hmm, this person looks very familiar you know"
“I know her but I cant think where from though”
Taking the compact Bimbette says "let me see!"
She looks at it and says "You dumb bitch it's me!"


IT’S A SIN

If an eighteen thirty girl wont let you sin
You just have to persevere and not give in
If you believe you have her on the brink
Just ask her “Do you want another drink”?

PHOTOGRAPHIC MODE

A photographer had to go to Bimbette and say
That his models father had just passed away
Understandably Bimbette was quite distraught
So he told her to go home because she ought
After she left, he got to thinking that he should
Have told her that he’d do anything that he could
So he decided he’d go to her house to see her
When he arrived she was siting alone as it were
On the front porch crying even harder than before
"What’s wrong now Bimbette" he began to explore
Sobbing she said, "I just spoke with my sister Sue”
“And she just told me that her father just died too"


TO THE WOODS

Peach and Bimbette one day were walking in the woods
And found something on the ground where they stood
Peach bends down and says, “Look these are Bear marks”
Bimbette looked and disagreed with her friends remarks
“What are you on? They aren't bear marks you dummy”
'They're obviously deer prints” she says “Cant you see?”
It’s not clear how long they argued to be perfectly honest
Next day’s paper read: Two models hit by train in forest

MODUS OPERANDI

There were two models
Bimbette and Peach
Who once stole a calendar
And got six months each

ORANGE JUICE MODE

Peach, Bimbette and Soiree spent
Over twenty minutes looking vacant
At an orange juice can staring straight
Because the label read "concentrate."

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

She's always turns up late
It’s seems to be a family trait
When her ancestors arrived
They somehow contrived
Arriving at Plymouth Rock
Late to everyone’s shock
I think that the tardy shower
Sailed on the June flower

CAPITAL MODE

A super model named Bimbette one day
Was bragging to her model friend Soiree
About her knowledge of world capitals
While sitting round with some model pals
She said proudly, "Go ahead and ask me”
“I know them all just you wait and see"
So Soiree asks for the capital of Germany
Bimbette replies, "Oh, that's easy its G"


ACCIDENT MODE

When Models Bimbette and Soiree heard
That ninety- percent of accidents occurred
Around the home so it had been proved
They decided it was time that they moved

SHAMPOO MODE

Super models should I think
Wash their hair in the sink
It’s where you should be able
To safely wash a vegetable

PICKLED MODE

Its not just that models are fickle
The reason they don’t eat pickles
It’s their heads that are the problem
And that’s where the causes stem
Though it may seem a little bizarre
Its coz they can't get them in the jar


STAGNANCY TEST

The way to help a blonde
Get a positive pregnancy test
Is to ejaculate into her shoes
And then let the flies do the rest

A THIN DIME

Well the difference between
A skinny blonde schmuck
And a counterfeit dollar
Is that one's a phony buck

SHORT BLONDE

I suppose I’ve often thought
Why blonde jokes are so short?
They would say in their wisdom
Its so men can remember them.


MUMMY’S LITTLE ANGEL

A little blonde girl comes home from school
Very exited with news for her mum to submit
"Mummy, mummy today we learnt how to count
The others got to five but I got to ten good init
"Yes darling, very good, what a clever girl
You’ve done ever so well I have to admit”
"Is it because I’m blonde mummy?" "Yes darling,
Its because your blonde", ”yes it is mummy isn’t it”

Next day the girl comes home from school
Very exited with news for her mum to submit
"Mummy, mummy today we learnt the alphabet
The others got to k but I got up to z good init
"Yes darling, very good, what a clever girl
You’ve done ever so well I have to admit”
"Is it because I’m blonde mummy?" "Yes darling,
Its because your blonde", ”yes it is mummy isn’t it”


Next day the girl comes home from school
Very exited with something for her mum to see
"Mummy, today we went swimming, and well,
All the other girls are flat chested but look at me!"
She proceeds to show her breasts to her mum
"Yes darling, you are a very big girl I can see"
"Is it because I’m blonde mummy?" "No darling,
"You have big breasts because you're twenty three"

I THINK SHE’S BLONDE

I think that a blonde
Would be called
Who has half a brain
Well Gifted

BRAINY BLONDE

The brain cells
Of a blonde crone
Will almost inevitably
Die all Alone


AM I BLONDE

Bimbette and Peaches
Thought they couldn’t use
There AM radio in the afternoon
In their view

HOW MUCH

My blonde girlfriend
Is dumb to the core
She asks for price checks
At the pound store

ILLUMINATING LOVE MAKING

An 18-30 girl turns the light on
After a seeing too
by kicking open the car door
With a white shoe


FUN IN THE SUN

Why do 18-30 girls have more fun?
While they’re on the