The Magic Pudding by Norman Lindsay (top e book reader txt) π
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- Author: Norman Lindsay
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'That's where the Magic comes in,' explained Bill. 'The more you eats the more you gets. Cut-an'-come-again is his name, an' cut, an' come again, is his nature.[Pg 19] Me an' Sam has been eatin' away at this Puddin' for years, and there's not a mark on him. Perhaps,' he added, 'you would like to hear how we came to own this remarkable Puddin'.'
'Nothing would please me more,' said Bunyip Bluegum.
'In that case,' said Bill, 'let her go for a song.'
Was a feller called Curry and Rice,
A son of a gun as fat as a tun
With a face as round as a hot-cross bun,
Or a barrel, to be precise.
A-rollin' homeward bound.
We strikes on the ice, goes down in a trice,
And all on board but Curry and Rice
And me an' Sam is drowned.
[Pg 20]
We climbs on a lump of ice,
And there in the sleet we suffered a treat
For several months from frozen feet,
With nothin' at all but ice to eat,
And ice does not suffice.
With the cook at any price.
We was both as thin as a piece of tin
While that there cook was busting his skin
On nothin' to eat but ice.
[Pg 21]
More deep than words can utter;
Whatever we do, here's me an' you,
Us both as thin as Irish stoo,
While he's as fat as butter."
To see by a pale blue flare,
That cook has got in a phantom pot
A big plum-duff an' a rump-steak hot,
And the guzzlin' wizard is eatin' the lot,
On top of the iceberg bare.'
'There's a verse left out here,' said Bill, stopping the song, 'owin' to the difficulty of explainin' exactly what happened, when me and Sam discovered the deceitful nature of that cook. The next verse is as followsβ
What happened to Curry and Rice.
The whole affair is shrouded in doubt,
For the night was dark and the flare went out,
And all we heard was a startled shout,
Though I think meself, in the subsequent rout,
That us bein' thin, an' him bein' stout,
In the middle of pushin' an' shovin' about,
HeβMUST HAVE FELL OFF THE ICE.'
[Pg 22]
'That won't do, you know,' began the Puddin', but Sam said hurriedly, 'It was very dark, and there's no sayin' at this date what happened.'
'Yes there is,' said the Puddin', 'for I had my eye on the whole affair, and it's my belief that if he hadn't been so round you'd have never rolled him off the iceberg, for you was both singin' out "Yo heave Ho" for half an hour, an' him trying to hold on to Bill's beard.'
'In the haste of the moment,' said Bill, 'he may have got a bit of a shove, for the ice bein' slippy, and us bein' justly enraged, and him bein' as round as a barrel, he may, as I said, have been too fat to save himself from rollin' off the iceberg. The point, however, is immaterial to our story, which concerns this Puddin'; and this Puddin',' said Bill patting him on the basin, 'was the very Puddin' that Curry and Rice invented on the iceberg.'
'He must have been a very clever cook,' said Bunyip.
'He was, poor feller, he was,' said Bill, greatly affected. 'For plum duff or Irish stoo there wasn't his equal in the land. But enough of these sad subjects. Pausin' only to explain that me an' Sam got off the[Pg 23] iceberg on a homeward bound chicken coop, landed on Tierra del Fuego, walked to Valparaiso, and so got home, I will proceed to enliven the occasion with "The Ballad of the Bo'sun's Bride".'
And without more ado, Bill, who had one of those beef-and-thunder voices, roared outβ
We was rollin' homeward bound,
When the bo'sun's bride fell over the side
And very near got drowned.
Rollin' home, rollin' home,
Rollin' home across the foam,
She had to swim to save her glim
And catch us rollin' home.'
It was a very long song, so the rest of it is left out here, but there was a great deal of rolling and roaring in it, and they all joined in the chorus. They were all singing away at the top of their pipe, as Bill called it, when round a bend in the road they came on two low-looking persons hiding behind a tree. One was a Possum, with one of those sharp, snooting, snouting sort of faces, and the other was a bulbous, boozy-looking Wombat in an old long-tailed coat, and a hat that marked him down as a man you couldn't trust in the fowlyard. They were busy sharpening up a carving knife on a portable grind-stone, but the moment they caught sight of the travellers the Possum whipped the knife behind him and the Wombat put his hat over the grindstone.
Bill Barnacle flew into a passion at these signs of treachery.
'I see you there,' he shouted.
'You can't see all of us,' shouted the Possum, and the Wombat added, ''Cause why, some of us is behind the tree.'[Pg 24]
Bill led the others aside, in order to hold a consultation.
'What on earth's to be done?' he said.
'We shall have to fight them, as usual,' said Sam.
'Why do you have to fight them?' asked Bunyip Bluegum.
'Because they're after our Puddin',' said Bill.
'They're after our Puddin',' explained Sam, 'because they're professional puddin'-thieves.'
'And as we're perfessional Puddin'-owners,' said Bill, 'we have to fight them on principle. The fighting,' he added, 'is a mere flea-bite, as the sayin' goes. The trouble is, what's to be done with the Puddin'?'
'While you do the fighting,' said Bunyip bravely, 'I shall mind the Puddin'.'
'The trouble is,' said Bill, 'that this is a very secret,[Pg 25] crafty Puddin', an' if you wasn't up to his game he'd be askin' you to look at a spider an' then run away while your back is turned.'
'That's right,' said the Puddin', gloomily. 'Take a Puddin's character away. Don't mind his feelings.'
'We don't mind your feelin's, Albert,' said Bill. 'What we minds is your treacherous 'abits.' But Bunyip[Pg 26] Bluegum said, 'Why not turn him upside-down and sit on him?'
'What a brutal suggestion,' said the Puddin'; but no notice was taken of his objections, and as soon as he was turned safely upside-down, Bill and Sam ran straight at the puddin'-thieves and commenced sparring up at them with the greatest activity.
'Put 'em up, ye puddin'-snatchers,' shouted Bill. 'Don't keep us sparrin' up here all day. Come out an' take your gruel while you've got the chance.'
The Possum wished to turn the matter off by saying, 'I see the price of eggs has gone up again', but Bill gave him a punch on the snout that bent it like a carrot, and Sam caught the Wombat such a flip with his flapper that he gave in at once.
'I shan't be able to fight any more this afternoon,' said the Wombat, 'as I've got sore feet.' The Possum[Pg 27] said hurriedly, 'We shall be late for that appointment', and they took their grindstone and off they went.
But when they were a safe distance away the Possum sang out: 'You'll repent this conduct. You'll repent bending a man's snout so that he can hardly see over it, let alone breathe through it with comfort', and the Wombat added, 'For shame, flapping a man with sore feet.'
'We laugh with scorn at threats,' said Bill, and he added as a warningβ
And if again I tap it,
Oh, with a clout I'll bend that snout
With force enough to snap it.'
and Sam added for the Wombat's benefitβ
When they deserve to cop it.
So do not try to pipe your eye,
Or with my flip I'll flop it.'
[Pg 28]
The puddin'-thieves disappeared over the hill and, as the evening happened to come down rather suddenly at that moment, Bill said, 'Business bein' over for the day, now's the time to set about makin' the camp fire.'
This was a welcome suggestion, for, as all travellers know, if you don't sit by a camp fire in the evening, you have to sit by nothing in the dark, which is a most unsociable way of spending your time. They found a comfortable nook under the hedge, where there were plenty of dry leaves to rest on, and there they built a fire, and put the billy on, and made tea. The tea and sugar and three tin cups and half a pound of mixed biscuits were brought out of the bag by Sam, while Bill cut slices of steak-and-kidney from the Puddin'. After that they had[Pg 29] boiled jam-roll and apple-dumpling, as the fancy took them, for if you wanted a change of food from the Puddin', all you had to do was to whistle twice and turn the basin round.
After they had eaten as much as they wanted, the things were put away in the bag, and they settled down comfortably for the evening.
'This is what I call grand,' said Bill, cutting up his tobacco. 'Full-and-plenty to eat, pipes goin' and the evenin's enjoyment before us. Tune up on the mouth-organ, Sam, an' off she goes with a song.'
They had a mouth-organ in the bag which they took turns at playing, and Bill led off with a song which he said was calledβ
[Pg 30]
I'd run away to sea,
And be a Pirate brave and bold
On the coast of Caribbee.
With Spanish silver and Spanish gold,
And out of every ship I sink
I'll collar the best of food and drink.
Or the shores of South Amerikee
Are all the same to a Pirate bold,
Whose thoughts are fixed on Spanish gold."
A Pirate for to be;
But I found there was never a Pirate left
On the coast of Caribbee.
Are Merchant Captains, hard as sin,
And Merchant Mates as hard as nails
Aboard of every ship that sails.[Pg 31]
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