The Magic Pudding by Norman Lindsay (top e book reader txt) π
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- Author: Norman Lindsay
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'Puddin'-thieves!' exclaimed the Mayor. 'Don't tell me that puddin'-thieves have come to Tooraloo.'
I can't believe it's true,
That we should have a puddin'-thief
Or two in Tooraloo.
And very pale in hue
To know that puddin'-thieves should come
To sacred Tooraloo.
Ho! seize these scoundrels who
Pollute the moral atmosphere
Of rural Tooraloo.'
'We protest against these cruel words,' said the Possum. 'We have been assaulted and battered and snout-bended by ruffians of the worst description.'
'How can Your Worship say such things,' said the Wombat, 'and us a-wearin' bell-toppers before your very eyes.'
'If you've been assaulted and battered,' said the Mayor, 'we shall have to arrest the assaulters and batterers, as well.'
'What's fair to one is fair to all,' said the Constable. 'You'll admit that, of course?' he added to Bill.
'I admit nothin' of the sort,' said Bill. 'If you want to arrest anybody, do your duty and arrest these here puddin'-snatchers.
A constant felon-catcher,
Then do not hesitate before
A common puddin'-snatcher.'
[Pg 111]
'We call on you to arrest these assaulters and batterers of people wearing top-hats,' said the puddin'-thieves;
We prove it by our hatter;
It is your duty to arrest
Not those in top-hats of the best
But those who top-hats batter.'
'It's very clear that somebody has to be arrested,' said the Mayor. 'I can't be put to the trouble of wearing my robes of office in public without somebody having to pay for it. I don't care whether you arrest the top-hat batterers, or the battered top-hatters; all I say is, do your duty, whatever happensβ
You must arrest or rue it;
As I'm the Mayor of Tooraloo,
And you've the painful job to do,
I call on you to do it.'
[Pg 112]
'Very well,' said the Constable, peevishly, 'as I've got to take all the responsibility, I'll settle the matter by arresting the Puddin'. As far as I can see, he's the ringleader in this disturbance.'
'You're a carrot-nosed poltroon,' said the Puddin' loudly. 'As for the Mayor, he's a sausage-shaped porous plaster,' and he gave him a sharp pinch in the leg.
'What a ferocious Puddin',' said the Mayor, turning as pale as a turnip. 'Officer, do your duty and arrest this dangerous felon before he perpetrates further sacrilegious acts.'[Pg 113]
'That's all very well, you know,' said the Constable, turning as pale as tripe; 'but he might nip me.'
'I can't help that,' cried the Mayor, angrily. 'At all costs I must be protected from danger. Do your duty and arrest this felon with your hat.'
The Constable looked round, gasped, and summoning all his courage, scooped up the Puddin' in his hat.
'My word,' he said, breathlessly, 'but that was a narrow squeak. I expected every moment to be my last.'
'Now we breathe more freely,' said the Mayor, and led the way to the Tooraloo Court House.
'If this isn't too bad,' said Bill, furiously. 'Here we've had all the worry and trouble of fightin' puddin'-thieves night and day, and, on top of it all, here's this Tooralooral tadpole of a Mayor shovin' his nose into the business and arrestin' our Puddin' without rhyme or reason.'
As they had arrived at the Court House at that moment, Bill was forced to smother his resentment for the time being. There was nobody in Court except the Judge and the Usher, who were seated on the[Pg 114] bench having a quiet game of cards over a bottle of port.
'Order in the Court,' shouted the Usher, as they all came crowding in; and the Judge, seeing the Constable carrying the Puddin' in his hat, said severely:
'This won't do, you know; it's Contempt of Court, bringing your lunch here.'
'An' it please you, My Lord,' said the Constable hurriedly, 'this here Puddin' has been arrested for pinching the Mayor.'
'As a consequence of which, I see you've pinched the Puddin',' said the Judge facetiously. 'Dear me, what spirits I am in to-day, to be sure!'
[Pg 115]
'The felon has an aroma most dangerously suggestive of beef gravy,' said the Usher, solemnly.
'Beef gravy?' said the Judge. 'Now, it seems to me that the aroma is much more subtly suggestive of steak and kidney.'
'Garnished, I think, with onions,' said the Usher.
'In order to settle this knotty point, just hand the felon up here a moment,' said the Judge. 'I don't suppose you've got a knife about you?' he asked.
'I've got a paper-knife,' said the Usher; and, the Puddin' having been handed up to the bench, the Judge and the Usher cut a slice each, and had another glass of port.
Bill was naturally enraged at seeing total strangers eating Puddin'-owners' private property, and he called out loudly:[Pg 116]
'Common justice and the lawful rights of Puddin'-owners.'
'Silence in the Court while the Judge is eating,' shouted the Usher; and the Judge said severelyβ
To see I'm taking food,
So, Silence in the Court!
(I'm also taking port),
If you intrude, in manner rude,
A lesson you'll be taught.'
'An' it please Your Lordship,' said the Mayor, pointing to Bill, 'this person is a brutal assaulter of people wearing top-hats.'
'No insults,' said Bill, and he gave the Mayor a slap in the face.
[Pg 117]
The Mayor went as pale as cheese, and the Usher called out: 'No face-slapping while the judge is dining!' and the Judge said, angrilyβ
As you ought to be aware,
While I am chewing a slice,
To have you slapping the Mayor.
If I have to complain of you again
I'll commit you in a trice,
You'd better take my advice;
Don't let me warn you twice.'
'All very well for you to talk,' said Bill, scornfully, 'sittin' up there eatin' our Puddin'. I'm a respectable Puddin'-owner, an' I calls on you to hand over that Puddin' under threat of an action-at-law for wrongful imprisonment, trespass, and illegally using the same.'
'Personal remarks to the Judge are not allowed,' shouted the Usher, and the Judge said solemnlyβ
A Judge you mustn't knock,
Or else you'll be detected
And shoved into the dock.
You'll get a nasty shock
When gaolers turn the lock.
In prison cell you'll give a yell
To hear the hangman knock.'
Here, the Usher took off his coat, as the day was warm, and hung it on the back of his chair. He then rapped on the bench and saidβ
Less noise while we're having a well-earned rest,
For the Judge and the Usher never must shirk
A well-earned rest in the middle of work.
It's the duty of both they are well aware
To preserve their precious lives with care;
It's their duty, when feeling overwrought,
To preserve their lives with Puddin' and Port.'
[Pg 118]
He sat down and tossed off a bumper of port to prove his words. 'Your deal, I think,' said the Judge, and they went on sipping and munching and dealing out cards. At this, Bill gave way to despair.
'What on earth's to be done?' he asked. 'Here's these legal ferrets has got our Puddin' in their clutches, and here's us, spellbound with anguish, watchin' them wolfin' it. Here's a situation as would wring groans from the breast of a boiled onion.'
'Why, it's worse than droppin' soverins down a drain,' said Sam.[Pg 119]
'It's worse than catchin' your whiskers in the mangle,' said Bill.
By a fortunate chance, at this moment the Possum happened to put his snout within Bill's reach, and Bill hit it a swinging clout to relieve his feelings.
'It's unlawful,' shouted the Possum, 'to hit a man's snout unexpectedly when he isn't engaged puddin'-stealing.'
'Observe the rules,' said the Wombat solemnly. 'Be kind to snouts when not engaged in theft.'
'If it hadn't been for you two tryin' to steal our Puddin' all this trouble wouldn't have happened,' said Bill.
'It's the Mayor's fault for bringing us all here,' cried the Possum, angrily. 'If you was a just man, you'd clout him on the snout, too.'
'The Mayor's to blame,' said the Wombat. 'What about the whole lot of us settin' on to him?'
At this suggestion the Mayor trembled so violently that his hat fell off.
'What dreadful words are these?' he asked, and the Constable said hurriedly, 'Never set on to the Mayor while the local Constable is present. Let that be your golden rule.'
'That's all very well,' said Bill, 'but if you two hadn't come interferin' at the wrong moment, our Puddin' wouldn't have been arrested, and all this trouble wouldn't have happened. As you're responsible, the question now is, What are you going to do about it?'
'My advice is,' said the Constable, impressively, 'resign yourselves to Fate.'
'My advice,' said the Mayor in a low voice, 'is general expressions of esteem and friendship, hand-shaking all round, inquiries after each other's health, chatty remarks about the weather, the price of potatoes, and how well the onions are looking.'[Pg 120]
Bill treated these suggestions with scorn. 'If any man in the company has better advice to offer, let him stand forth,' said he.
Bunyip Bluegum stood forth. 'My advice,' he said, 'is this: try the case without the Judge; or, in other words, assume the legal functions of this defaulting personage in the bag-wig who is at present engaged in distending himself illegally with our Puddin'. For mark how runs the axiomβ
It's clear your case will never budge;
But if a Judge you have to face,
The chances are you'll lose your case.
To win your case, and save your pelf,
Why, try the blooming case yourself!'
'As usual, our friend here solves the problem in a few well-chosen words,' said Bill, and preparations were made at once for trying the case. After a sharp struggle, in which it was found necessary to bend the Possum's snout severely in order to make him listen to reason, the puddin'-thieves were forced into the dock. Their top-hats and frock-coats were taken away, for fear the jury might take them for undertakers, and not scoundrels. The Mayor and the Constable were pushed into the jury box to perform the duties of twelve good men and true, and the others took seats about the Court as witnesses for the prosecution.
There was some delay before the proceedings began, for Bill said, 'Here's me, the Crown Prosecutor, without a wig. This'll never do.' Fortunately, a wig was found in the Judge's private room, and Bill put it on with great satisfaction.
'I'm afraid this is unconstitutional,' said the Mayor to the Constable.[Pg 121]
'It is unconstitutional,' said the Constable; 'but it's better than getting a punch on the snout.'
The Mayor turned so pale at this that the Constable had to thrust a banana into his mouth to restore his courage.
'Thank you,' said the Mayor, peevishly; 'but, on the whole, I prefer to be restored with peeled bananas.'
'Order in the jury box,' said Bill, sharply, and the[Pg 122] Mayor having hurriedly bolted his banana,
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