Aboard My Train Of Thought by Scott C. Endsley (best book club books for discussion .TXT) 📕

to an agreement."

"Yeah well, I'm uh... s...sorry for blowin' my top... I need some fresh air. I'll be back." As Ralph excused himself, it became apparent to me that his instant celebrity status was starting to wear thin his nerves. Neither one of us could have foreseen the pressure. As he walked out toward the rose garden, he planted a cigarette in his mouth, lit up, and was about to take in a deep drag when notorious news reporter, Sam McDonald, immediately shoved a microphone into his face.

"So, Mr. McCovey, er uh... Ralph....Uh, tell me, sir, as soon as you're sworn into office, what are you going to try to persuade the President to do for the betterment of the immediate sagging economy? What would you suggest to the President to lessen the likelihood of a defeat in the 96 election? "

Ralph took a long and thoughtful puff on his cigarette before he responded. "Well, the economy IS sagging. People outta work. Mothers not able to feed their kids... I just don't know but what lengths I'm going to have to go to get him to propose to both houses of congress... a big, across-the-board, tax cut!... It's called 'trickle-down-economics," he answered, giving a devilish wide ivory white smile.
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(Episode 10)
Meanwhile, almost 50 light years from Earth in their second day of interstellar travel, Professor Endicotsley and Derf Enotstnilf were just getting to know one another. Derf was a likable host and tried everything to make the professor less nervous, sometimes telling him an Apathonian joke or two. Giles was polite, and laughed, though he didn't understand any of them. Nevertheless he amused himself by lecturing the poor alien about world history and literature.
After about two grueling hours of how and why Mary Queen of Scots lost her head, Derf finally spoke up. "Yes, I know a lot about your planet....We've been watching it awhile. Mind if I smoke?"

"Smoke?!.. oh uh..." Giles reached into the pocket of his bathrobe, feeling around for a pack of cigarettes he'd hidden from Edie.

"No thanks, Giles... I've got my own." Derf took out what appeared to be a beige bottle of glycerin suppositories and slowly slid one of them up his left nostril, then inhaled as a bluish colored thick haze emitted from the bald crown of his head. "Wow! That first smoke of the day always give a pleasant head rush!... So tell me about Edie, Giles... Do you love her? I think she's sweet on you!"

The professor was at a loss. "Well, I....um. When do we land?"

Derf snickered, then in his native tongue interpreted to the other two crew members Giles' answer they had been waiting to hear. "That language," Giles spoke up, "that's what I was hearing on my six meter radio tranciever right before you contacted me!"

"Six meters, huh?....Oh, of course, that's 50 harmonics down from the frequency of 114 gigglehertz we use to stay in communication with the mothership," Derf explained as there was a sudden jolt, similar to when an elevator reaches its destined floor. "Well, we've landed, professor. Step outside and breathe the sweet air of Apathonia!"

The thought never occurred to Giles that he was the first humankind to ever set foot on another planet. All he noticed was the thick oxygen that filled his lungs that seemed to have, like Derf said, a sweet scent.

"You like it?" Derf proudly asked, "It's potpourri! Our forefathers all agreed on it, and added it to our artificial atmosphere..... Come come, the Greatest of Greats in the Council of Councils is waiting to speak with you!"

"Why won't you just tell me what he wants? You haven't given me a hint as of yet!"
Derf didn't respond, he just smiled. "Come come!"

Apathonia appeared to be quite a strange place, indeed. There appeared to be two suns, one about twice the size of our own, and another only half. Giles noticed there was also a pinkish blue hue in the sky which hovered low, as he and Derf approached some sort of palace.
"Ah, what a lovely doorway. This must be the Council of Councils!" Giles remarked, trying to impress his host.

Derf laughed, "No, my friend, this is the Door of Doors, which is the main entrance of the Building of Buildings, which houses the Council of Councils! Come Come... the Greatest Of Greats is waiting!"

"So, tell me Derf, why are there two suns in your sky?"

"Well, Giles, to make a long story short," Derf answered, "about three centuries ago some careless camper started a moon fire, and it's been burning ever since."

Giles wasn't sure if it was a mere joke, but laughed aloud with Derf. Just at the instant the two approached the Door Of Doors, without warning, a hideously clamorous siren blared as flood lights flashed in their general direction. "What the devil is that all about?!" Giles quivered.

"Oh uh, my fly was down, that's all, Giles..." Derf blushed.

Giles bent to his waist in laughter at the first Apathonian joke he understood in the course of two days, then looked up in time to see a perturbed Derf Enotstnilf... "That wasn't a joke, Giles.....Come come, the Greatest of Greats is waiting."
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(Episode 11)
Giles and Derf slowly climbed up a multitude of steps then down a corridor, until they reached a huge doorway adorned with giant stained glass windows. Right above the archway hung a decorative gold and silver plaque that read: The Greatest of Greats. Derf unexpectedly took off his right shoe and sock, then placed his foot over some sort of detection device. The door opened swiftly as a middle aged Apathonian woman, decked in royal garb, announced, "Ah Derfbag, I've told you time and time again not to bother with that silly thing... I can recognize your foot odor anywhere! ... Oh Hun, you're going to have to call on the Cyber-Plumber one more time, the Toilet Of Toilets has crashed again..... Oh dear, who's this?"

"This is the Earth dweller, your Greatest of Greats!" Derf saluted.

"Oh my, this is wonderful! Oh please do excuse me for the mess, I didn't expect you this soon. So tell me," she leaned closer, "how was your flight, hmmm?"

"Well, your Greatness..."

"Oh, stop it! Just call me Irol. That's my name, hun!" she winked.

"Well uh.... Irol, Ma'am..... Why am I here?"

"What?!" She immediately stomped her foot and began bitching at Derf in her native tongue. "I'm sorry old Derfbag here didn't fill you in, hun. Seems we've got a problem. You see, Apathonia is almost 50 lightyears away from your darling little planet, and for the last 6 months, we've been receiving 40 something year old television signals on our Channel Of Channels from a certain station KBCQ, in Roswell, New Mexico, who began about that time airing a program called, "Exercise With Ethel..."

"...And you want me to tell them they're interfering and to stop their transmission, correct?" Giles scoffed.

"Well hun, not exactly. We recently experienced a tremendous radiation disturbance from our outer dwarf star due to the gravitational pull of our flaming moon when it was in the 7th house... this caused great propagation difficulty one particular morning, and I missed program number 155... 'Strengthening Your Abs....' Since you're the President's distant cousin, I figured you could pull some strings into getting a copy."

"You brought me 50 lightyears from home for this?!" Giles rose to his feet, "Madam, I have better things to do!!!"

"Well, there is one itty-bitty matter you need to tell your presidential cousin about..." Irol went on to explain to the professor that the Apathonians were willing and ready to abduct 144,000 American citizens, if the United States government wasn't willing to release some 100 Apathonians kept in a secret place called Area 51 and a half (so secret that even the aliens locked up at Area 51, across the alley, don't even know about it).

One particular resident there was abducted by Neil Armstrong, who was Moon-walking at the time. The foolishly trusting Apathonian approached him and asked the astronaut for a jump, because his spaceship's ignition wouldn't start. Armstrong lured him on to the Eagle with a bottle of Tang. After being subjected to the astronaut's entire family photos from his wallet, and about 50 different war stories for 6 long days, the poor alien begged, "Take me to your leader, PLEASE," upon splashing down in the Pacific.

"All you need to do for us is secure a release of the Apathonian hostages. Now surely, sugar," Irol winked, "you wouldn't want to return to Earth not being able to walk, and instead, being wheeled around like an invalid again. Now dear, wouldn't you like to go back a much younger man, able to take care of himself, hmmm?"

"Come on, Giles," Derf added, "you'll be doing yourself as well as us a favor!"

"I guess you leave me with no choice. Okay, I'll go," Giles accepted with hesitance.

"Oh wonderful, dear! Now, you be sure to tell those little ol' Earthlings how nice our planet is.... Bye bye, sugarpie," her Greatness winked while blowing a kiss. Once Irol shut the door behind them, she quickly removed her friendly masquerade. "Dumb Anthropoid! ....Hmm, what's this? I guess he left his book... Aboard My Train of Thought? Hmmm... oh well, he probably won't miss this garbage."

On second thought, she threw open the window and hurled it outside, thinking the primate might find it. Instead, it clobbered a street beggar right in the middle of the forehead, who collapsed in pain, crying "My eyes... Oh! My eyes!"

"Why didn't you tell me what this was all about in the beginning?!" Giles scolded Derf as they boarded the mothership.

"Sorry, I had my orders. Besides, you wouldn't have come with us if I did.... Oh, watch your head getting in."

"Can you make the trip a little more speedy? I'm sure Edie's worried sick," Giles complained.
"Well Giles, going 50 lightyears in just two days, we can't go much faster than that," Derf explained. "Here, take the window seat. It will help pass the time away."

Giles was stunned from the moment he buckled in at how quickly they went from lifting off the ground, through the pink planet's outer atmosphere, and out of their solar system in just minutes. Stars and other planets seemed to zoom in and out like passing signs along a highway. "If only Mankind could get hold of technology like this, we'd be out of the dark ages," he mused aloud.

"That won't happen for at least another century I'm afraid, Giles," said Derf, putting his hand on the professor's shoulder. "Too many tycoons making money on petroleum. Our crafts are controlled by perpetual motion, which doesn't cost anything but the time to invent the original source of power."

"Why, people on Earth have tried to invent that for years! What is the secret? I must know!" Giles' eyes lit up.

Derf laughed, throwing his head back. "You all had the secret right under your noses. Before we were able to break the light barrier, it took approximately 50 years to reach your planet. But our technology greatly advanced after we visited an earthly salvage yard, and brought back an engine from an old abandoned Yugo!"

The two didn't talk much more over the course of two days, until they reached their destiny, Roswell. As they slowed to an approach over the southwestern army town, Giles looked out the window and noticed all the outdated automobiles driving around in a monstrous thunderstorm. "Wait a minute! Something is strange