The Infernal Marriage by Benjamin Disraeli (best books to read txt) 📕

or a messenger, like Hermes? Was the daughter of Jove and Ceres to be destined to a mere place in our household! Lady! she is the object of envy to half the goddesses. Bating our own bed, which she could not share, what lot more distinguished than hers? Recollect that goddesses, who desire a becoming match, have a very limited circle to elect from. Even Venus was obliged to put up with Vulcan. It will not do to be too nice. Thank your stars that she is not an old maid like Minerva.'

'But Mars? he loved her.'

'A young officer only with his half-pay, however good his connections, is surely not a proper mate for our daughter.'

'Apollo?'

'I have no opinion of a literary son-in-law. These scribblers are at present the fashion, and are very well to ask to dinner; but I confess a more intimate connection with them is not at all to my taste.'

'I meet Apollo everywhere.'

'The truth is, he is courted because every one is afraid of him. He is the editor of a daily journal, and under the pretence of throwing light upon every subject, brings a great many disagreeable things into notice, which is excessively inconvenient. Nobody likes to be paragraphed; and for my part I should only be too happy to extinguish the Sun and every other newspaper were it only in my power.'

'But Pluto is so old, and so ugly, and, all agree, so ill-tempered.'

'He has a splendid income, a magnificent estate; his settlements are worthy of his means. This ought to satisfy a mother; and his political influence is necessary to me, and this satisfies a father.'

'But the heart-----'

'As for that, she fancies she loves him; and whether she do or not, these feelings, we know, never last. Rest assured, my dear Ceres, that our girl has made a brilliant match, in spite of the gloomy atmosphere in which she has to reside.'

'It must end in misery. I know Proserpine. I confess it with tears, she is a spoiled child.'

'This may occasion Pluto many uneasy moments; but that is nothing to you or me. Between ourselves, I shall not be at all surprised if she plague his life out.'

'But how can she consort with the Fates? How is it possible for her to associate with the Furies? She, who is used to the gayest and most amiable society in the world? Indeed, indeed, 'tis an ill-assorted union!'

'They are united, however; and, take my word for it, my dear madam, that you had better leave Pluto alone. The interference of a mother-in-law is proverbially never very felicitous.'

In the meantime affairs went on swimmingly in Tartarus. The obstinate Fates and the sulky Furies were unwittingly the cause of universal satisfaction. Everyone enjoyed himself, and enjoyment when it is unexpected is doubly satisfactory. Tantalus, Sisyphus, and Ixion, for the first time during their punishment, had an opportunity for a little conversation.

'Long live our reforming Queen,' said the ex-king of Lydia. 'You cannot conceive, my dear companions, anything more delightful than this long-coveted draught of cold water; its flavour far surpasses the memory of my choicest wines. And as for this delicious fruit, one must live in a hot climate, like our present one, sufficiently to appreciate its refreshing gust. I would, my dear friends, you could only share my banquet.'

'Your Majesty is very kind,' replied Sisyphus, 'but it seems to me that nothing in the world will ever induce me again to move. One must have toiled for ages to comprehend the rapturous sense of repose that now pervades my exhausted frame. Is it possible that that damned stone can really have disappeared?'

'You say truly,' said Ixion, 'the couches of Olympus cannot compare with this resting wheel.'

'Noble Sisyphus,' rejoined Tantalus, 'we are both of us acquainted with the cause of our companion's presence in those infernal regions, since his daring exploit has had the good fortune of being celebrated by one of the fashionable authors of this part of the world.'

'I have never had time to read his work,' interrupted Ixion. 'What sort of a fellow is he?'

'One of the most conceited dogs that I ever met with,' replied the King. 'He thinks he is a great genius, and perhaps he has some little talent for the extravagant.'

'Are there any critics in Hell?'

'Myriads. They abound about the marshes of Cocytus, where they croak furiously. They are all to a man against our author.'

'That speaks more to his credit than his own self-opinion,' rejoined Ixion.

'_A nous moutons!_' exclaimed Tantalus; 'I was about to observe that I am curious to learn for what reason our friend Sisyphus was doomed to his late terrible exertions.'

'For the simplest in the world,' replied the object of the inquiry; 'because I was not a hypocrite. No one ever led a pleasanter life than myself, and no one was more popular in society. I was considered, as they phrased it, the most long-headed prince of my time, and was in truth a finished man of the world. I had not an acquaintance whom I had not taken in, and gods and men alike favoured me. In an unlucky moment, however, I offended the infernal deities, and it was then suddenly discovered that I was the most abandoned character of my age. You know the rest.'

'You seem,' exclaimed Tantalus, 'to be relating my own history; for I myself led a reckless career with impunity, until some of the gods did me the honour of dining with me, and were dissatisfied with the repast. I am convinced myself that, provided a man frequent the temples, and observe with strictness the sacred festivals, such is the force of public opinion, that there is no crime which he may not commit without hazard.'

'Long live hypocrisy!' exclaimed Ixion. 'It is not my forte. But if I began life anew, I would be more observant in my sacrifices.'

'Who could have anticipated this wonderful revolution!' exclaimed Sisyphus, stretching himself. 'I wonder what will occur next! Perhaps we shall be all released.'

'You say truly,' said Ixion. 'I am grateful to our reforming Queen; but I have no idea of stopping here. This cursed wheel indeed no longer whirls; but I confess my expectations will be much disappointed if I cannot free myself from these adamantine bonds that fix me to its orb.'

'And one cannot drink water for ever,' said Tantalus.

'D--n all half measures,' said Ixion. 'We must proceed in this system of amelioration.'

'Without doubt,' responded his companion.

'The Queen must have a party,' continued the audacious lover of Juno. 'The Fates and the Furies never can be conciliated. It is evident to me that she must fall unless she unbinds these chains of mine.'

'And grants me full liberty of egress and regress,' exclaimed Sisyphus.

'And me a bottle of the finest golden wine of Lydia,' said Tantalus.

The infernal honeymoon was over. A cloud appeared in the hitherto serene heaven of the royal lovers. Proserpine became unwell. A mysterious languor pervaded her frame; her accustomed hilarity deserted her. She gave up her daily rides; she never quitted the palace, scarcely her chamber. All day long she remained lying on a sofa, and whenever Pluto endeavoured to console her she went into hysterics. His Majesty was quite miserable, and the Fates and the Furies began to hold up their heads. The two court physicians could throw no light upon the complaint, which baffled all their remedies. These, indeed, were not numerous, for the two physicians possessed each only one idea. With one every complaint was nervous; the other traced everything to the liver. The name of the first was Dr. Blue-Devil; and of the other Dr. Blue-Pill. They were most eminent men.

Her Majesty, getting worse every day, Pluto, in despair, determined to send for AEsculapius. It was a long way to send for a physician; but then he was the most fashionable one in the world. He cared not how far he travelled to visit a patient, because he was paid by the mile; and it was calculated that his fee for quitting earth, and attending the Queen of Hell, would allow him to leave off business.

What a wise physician was AEsculapius! Physic was his abhorrence. He never was known, in the whole course of his practice, ever to have prescribed a single drug. He was a handsome man, with a flowing beard curiously perfumed, and a robe of the choicest purple. He twirled a cane of agate, round which was twined a serpent of precious stones, the gift of Juno, and he rode in a chariot drawn by horses of the Sun. When he visited Proserpine, he neither examined her tongue nor felt her pulse, but gave her an account of a fancy ball which he had attended the last evening he passed on _terra firma_. His details were so interesting that the Queen soon felt better. The next day he renewed his visit, and gave her an account of a new singer that had appeared at Ephesus. The effect of this recital was so satisfactory, that a bulletin in the evening announced that the Queen was convalescent. The third day AEsculapius took his departure, having previously enjoined change of scene for her Majesty, and a visit to the Elysian Fields!

'Heh, heh!' shrieked Tisiphone.

'Hah, hah!' squeaked Megaera.

'Hoh, hoh!' moaned Alecto.

'Now or never,'said the infernal sisters. 'There is a decided reaction. The moment she embarks, unquestionably we will flare up.' So they ran off to the Fates.

'We must be prudent,' said Clotho.

'Our time is not come,' remarked Lachesis.

'I wish the reaction was more decided,' said Atropos; 'but it is a great thing that they are going to be parted, for the King must remain.'

The opposition party, although aiming at the same result, was therefore evidently divided as to the means by which it was to be obtained. The sanguine Furies were for fighting it out at once, and talked bravely of the strong conservative spirit only dormant in Tartarus. Even the Radicals themselves are dissatisfied: Tantalus is no longer contented with water, or Ixion with repose. But the circumspect Fates felt that a false step at present could never be regained. They talked, therefore, of watching events. Both divisions, however, agreed that the royal embarkation was to be the signal for renewed intrigues and renovated exertions.

When Proserpine was assured that she must be parted for a time from Pluto, she was inconsolable. They passed the night in sorrowful embraces. She vowed that she could not live a day without him, and that she certainly should die before she reached the first post. The mighty heart of the King of Hades was torn to pieces with contending emotions. In the agony of his overwhelming passion the security of his realm seemed of secondary importance compared with the happiness of his wife. Fear and hatred of the Parcae and the Eumenides equalled, however, in the breast of Proserpine, her affection for her husband. The consciousness that his absence would be a signal for a revolution, and that the crown of Tartarus might be lost to her expected offspring, animated her with a spirit of heroism. She reconciled herself to the terrible separation, on condition that Pluto wrote to her every day.

'Adieu! my best, my only beloved!' ejaculated the unhappy Queen; 'do not forget me for a moment; and let nothing in the world induce you to speak to any of those horrid people. I know them; I know exactly what