Longing For December by Shelia Burket (reading diary TXT) 📕

him and under her breath begged him not to leave her. ”I love you so much”, she gasps trying not to sob uncontrollably. She broke down, “I can’t bear the thought of you”, he interrupted….”I’m sorry… it’s just”, she wiped her eyes on his sleeve. “I know”, he whispered. They embraced as if tomorrow would never find them…. And it never did. Ryan went off to war and she never saw him again.
She threw herself into her work trying to not feel the pain that ripped through her body. Every line of her children’s faces reminded her of her sweet Ryan. The sound of their laughter, the smiles they wore and the sparkle of their eyes. How could she go on? She must be strong for them. Her heart was crushed, her soul was bleeding, and she was slowly dying inside.
She began to pray…
“God please help me”, she cried inconsolably. “I don’t know what you want from me!” “If it’s not Ryan that my life is to be spent with, then who?”, “I can’t imagine why you would take from me”. “Why?”
The news of Ryan’s death brought Savanna’s world crashing in all around her. It was raining as if the whole world was mourning over his death. How could she bare to tell their children that daddy will never hold them again, it was so unfair…How could she go on? What possible reason could there be for God to take her Ryan away? She missed him so. Sometimes she could smell him as if he were lying right beside her. She often poured two cups of coffee forgetting Ryan wasn’t there, but in a sense he was, he always would be.
When the sun warmed her face in the morning she felt Ryan’s arms around her just like grandma’s quilt. It made her feel good to think of Ryan as she wrapped up in her quilt and sat in her rocking chair in the early morning light. Sometimes Ryan’s mom would stop by with Ryan’s favorite blueberry muffins for her and the kids. It seemed to be therapeutic for her. Ryan’s dad still did the yard work, it made him smile. She always brought him lemonade and the kids were so glad to see him. He always stayed for dinner and read to the kids. His parents were dear to her. It was good for her. Her mother came by and packed away Ryan’s clothes, leaving the uniform he was married in as she requested. She left it all the same for the first month; her mother insisted that it wasn’t healthy. She agreed to let her pack it up and let his mother take care of them. Savanna often saw him in her dreams usually in his uniform. He was always smiling. Maybe she too, would one day smile again.
Standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes Savanna heard a knock on the door. Drying her hands she walked towards the living room door. Her heart sank as she opened the door and saw military uniforms. Everything suddenly was a blur, she felt faint as the dish towel fell to the floor. The next thing she remembered was her mother wiping her forehead with a wet cloth. Dr. Anglin had been there for the past two hours. That was of coarse her mother’s idea. He had given her something for her nerves she had been sleeping for more than a hour. The kids had been picked up from school by Harmony, where they would be staying the night.
A sea of flowers cascaded over the front lawn as far as the eyes could see. She sat, legs curled beside her, heart broken and eyes heavy with tears as the colors before her began to run together. She drifted away in her heart to another place as the wind swept tiny pieces of hair across her face. Family and friends gathered around for days, bringing food, cards, flowers and condolences. The smell of carnations and roses began to nauseate her; her head throbbed from allergies and of coarse crying until there was nothing left to come out. Then the numbness set in. At first the shock of it all prevented any crying. Then it came like a raging river out of control. It ran it’s coarse like a deadly virus. Some days she could barely move, she threw up, threw things, she screamed and then she didn’t talk at all. Everything around her whispered his name. Insanity was creeping in….maybe it would be a comfort. “If I lost my mind”, she thought. “I wouldn’t know what’s really been lost”. Savanna began to sink into a deep depression.
Sitting in the corner of a dimly lit room in a blue chair covered with tiny flowers, she sits alone. The ticking of the clock pushes her to the edge of insanity. It’s been days since she talked to her family and friends. The phone rings and her machine picks up, “You have reached the home of Ryan, Savanna, Caden, Cyle and Cassie sorry we missed you, leave a message and we will call you back”, “Hey girl pick-up”, a frustrated voice at the other end shouts, “Hello”. The machine cuts off. The phone rings again, Savanna’s friend Harmony leaves another message. “Savanna, I’m coming over there if you don’t pick up! Teary eyed Savanna reaches for a cigarette, camel lights, Ryan’s brand, she found them in the drawer of the nights stand. She quit smoking years ago, but kept a pack of Ryan’s in the drawer for emergencies. Stress is definitely an emergency and this is definitely a stressful situation. She lights her cigarette and reaches for her trusty cup of coffee. Maxwell house, master blend her very best friend. There is no other that could compare to the only pleasure she can now seem to find. Here eyes are swollen, her head is aching, her face hurts, she can barely breathe out of her stopped up head. The quiet is calming to her shredded nerves. The ringer is off, only the red light flashing signals her never ending chain of phone calls that has flooded her house since the news came. She has screamed, cried, slammed, kicked and has now reached a state of numbness. Maybe its shock…whatever it is she just wants to be left alone.
The silence is broken by a knock at the front door. “Savanna honey it’s me let me in”. The door is unlocked; she hears the creek of the hinges as someone enters. “Savanna where are you?” Harmony calls. The bedroom door opens. Sitting in Ryan’s sweatpants and t-shirt, Mascara underneath her eyes from days before, her hair in a sloppy knot, she’s curled up with a fleece blanket. “Do I smell smoke?” Harmony asks, hands on her hips. “Want one?” She barks. “Why not”, Harmony throws her hands up. Harmony lights up and sits on the edge of the bed. “You need to get out of here”. “I can’t”….she sniffs. Savanna asks tearfully “How are the kids?” harmony strokes her hair. “They’re doing okay honey, I’m worried about you”. “Kids sometimes handle things better than adults”. “Have you eaten?” “Why don’t you get in the shower and go to lunch with me or just get out of this house”. “You look like hell”. Savanna tries not to laugh, but fails. “Go!” “Alright already!” passing a mirror, “Oh my I do look lovely.” “Go princess get beautiful!” “I’ll call Tia and Crissy, we’ll make it a girls day. You’ll feel better I promise.” One step at a time, Savanna put one foot in front of the other and the sun started to shine a little brighter each day.
She pulled it together enough for the kids to come home and forced herself to live again. The kids seemed content with the fact that daddy was in heaven with Jesus for the most part. There were sad days, but they made their way through them together with love and prayers. Everyone was so kind. There were casseroles and cakes for miles. They gave her the alone time she needed, but not for too long, worried she’d become too depressed, but yet they did respect the fact that she needed time. Her mother and father along with close friends helped her with the kids. Savanna began to take the kids to church, it seemed to help. She hoped God would give her the guidance she so desperately needed.
Savanna threw herself into her work. In her heart she hoped she’d love again. Maybe fate would be kind to her. October 31st, Halloween. A clear morning with a chill in the air, the kids are still sleeping. Savanna grabs the broom from the closet in the kitchen. She steps outside to sweep the leaves that have blown across the porch. Three big orange pumpkins carved by the kid’s line the banister. She stops, looking across the sea of blue that flowed into the peaks of the tall West Virginia Mountains. A perfect painted canvas, she smiles. The multi colored leaves spiral in the air as the October wind rustled them about. Soon the yard would be filled with goblins and characters of fairytales with smiling faces and sticky fingers from lollipops and such. Candles will be lit in Jack-o-lanterns with glowing faces all over town. Savanna will dress up too, as she always does to join in the festivities. This year she’ll be a gypsy, hoop earrings, scarves and a flowing dress. Her long auburn curls will be swept up on the sides with a clip with the back hanging down. The day quickly turns to night and the bowls of candy now in place awaiting the eager children.
She pauses as she remembers Caden’s first Halloween, he was a little cowboy. Ryan carried him with his little cowboy hat and boots. He ate so much candy that night he threw up chocolate. I don’t know who was sicker Caden or Ryan? Savanna’s mother picked the kids up at 5pm to take them out trick or treating. She would stay as tradition has it to give out candy.
November came shedding the leaves of fall to the ground. The trees bare the air cold, yet a different kind of beauty was still there. The morning November sky was amber and shades of gold. The birds sang their song of approaching winter with the occasional snowflake drifting through the air. Savanna sits by the fireplace her high school journal in hand and reads……
It is summer again…driving by the lumber yard with my mother one hot July day, I saw him working with his uncle. Faded Levi’s, no shirt, work boots and tan, he looks up and smiles. I waved and blushed he throws his hand up. My mother questions me. ”Who’s that dear?” “It’s Blake, a guy from school”, still turning my head to look.
Fighting back her tears, Savanna smiles as she turns the page to read another.


Learning to Smile Again

One year later…September slowly rolls in …the evening is quiet, she is alone, and the peace is exhilarating. The constant roar of a box fan humming along with the window unit is the only sounds heard. She pulls out a box of photographs tucked away beneath her bed. Pausing before opening the lid, she